Back story: GF and I have been together for around 7 years. Technically she cheated on her current boyfriend when her and I got together. Around 3 years in we took a 6 month break since things were just not working well and she wanted to see other people. We eventually found each other again and things could not have been better.

At the 4.5 year mark she cheated on me. It started with sex and the "relationship" continued for about a month until I found out. I accepted that she made a mistake and we agreed to go to counseling. I took this pretty hard for a while. Counseling lasted a few months and it seemed like she had completely changed and things were back to being better than ever. Although I always had the thought in my mind wondering if she would do it again, each time eventually convincing myself that nope, she really has changed.

There have been some major changes in out lives but we currently live together and things are ok. We both love each other but there are definitely good times and bad. We have been in a down trend for the last few months due to school (major time draw) and both working (another major time draw).

Recently I found out that she has some serious feelings for a friend of hers. To the extent that she has thought about leaving me, and the effects it would have on our family, friends, relationship, etc. She has only known this friend for about a month or so. Nothing has happened between them at all, just her feelings at this point.

After I found out, we had a talk and many things were discussed but basically she admitted that she thinks she has infidelity issues and she can not guarantee that she would not cheat in the future. She can not seem to rationalize why she seeks out other relationships or guys and thinks this would happen with anyone she is with based on her past infidelity in every relationship she has been in.

I am trying to determine if I should make an effort to go to counseling with her. I have been hurt before and I am not really willing to wait until it (cheating) happens again. Seven years is a long time and overall I really do love her and we get along better than anyone when times are good but infidelity is something I can not seem to get over. A deal-breaker you might say. Especially if she thinks it could easily happen again.

Can someone really change, is this worth it for me, I wish this was easy.

unsuretoday

In my gut I agree with you tal and chuff, but some of our friends that know about our situation have strongly suggested counseling and that it has helped them in similar situations.

I think what it comes down to is should I allow an attempt at counseling and see how it goes or just cut my losses now. We have very limited experience with counseling but some people swear by it. I know that relationships are never easy but I am definitely leaning towards giving up on this one.

talaniman

Thats the way your post comes across. Your trying to look for reasons to stay, but would rather leave. That is one of your options. Another is to go 'fishing' and give your self some thinking time.

beenaroundtheblock

Humm she cheated on her then boyfriend to be with you?????? Damn son you need to get hit by a truck to figure this out. You have had more than enought slaps in the face by this girl move on. On second thought maybe you like being steeped on by women hell stay. Now go do the dishes.
Sincerely Mr. Sensitive

jenniferlup

I think that you should try to work on your relationship. I have been with my bf for 12 years now I am 25 years old. We have broken up a few times. I have a major trust issue with him as well. In highschool he cheated on me not sex just kissing but i consider that cheating. He told me he would never cheat on me again. And I don't know if I believe that. So I know how you feel. But a friend of mine once told me don't worry about it now because if something is going on you will always find out about it.. And as far as the pressure for marriage goes we go through the same stuff. But we are def not ready. Work on it I always felt if we come this far there must be a reason for it.. I love him and he loves me. I say keep working on it and if she cheats again then leave her. But then decide if you are going to take her back because as I know they always come back...

kp2171

i know what its like to wash your hands of a 7 year relationship when the other partner has cheated in the past, and seems to be drifting.

for me, walking away was the hardest thing, and yet the best thing i could have done. wed been good, wed fought through some issues, but it really was done at the end.

counseling can do a lot... but it takes both people wanting to actively create a better relationship... and i just think shes wanting to explore. having been in your shoes before, were i in your situation again, id leave in a breath.

i actually had to leave two relationships like this, one of 7 years, one of 2 years. thank God i did.

im now married 8 years to a woman i trust with all of my heart.

unsuretoday

It's over now. Had the talk last night. I must say it is rough. I know this is for the best, as much as I wish it wasn't.

I feel like she only wanted to be there for/with me when times were great. Once there was a hiccup, she started to stray rather than focus back on us.

Now we just need to figure out how to separate ourselves since we live together, and moving out is easier said than done.

chuff

I think this was the best decision for you to make now. The truth is, if you didn't do it now you would have done it later and it would have been after she cheated on you so you would have been worse off. You would have been dealing with that rage and the rage of knowing you were warned ahead of time. By stepping out now, you've done so on your terms with your head held high. I know it sucks but at the same time this was the best possible scenerio for you and still keep your dignity.

kp2171

sucks to be in your spot right now, except that its the first step toward a better place. been there. more than once, as i told you.

if it had to happen, im "glad" it happened now and now after another 6mo or a year of trying to work it out.

sorry youre in this spot, and glad you are taking steps to move on to better places.