At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
Hello everyone. I just joined this site as I feel as if I have no one to talk to about this. This is quite long, sorry to those who actually read it, but thanks. I pretty much had my 'ex' move in after knowing him for 2 weeks (met in a bar), as he needed a place to stay. It was all very fast because of this move although we clicked right away. He has/had many issues he will be going through--a 'common law divorce soon' and she wants their 2 kids one min the next she doesn't them full time, and is going for the house, etc), she also has her own issues' also his mother died about a year ago, they were fairly close he said.
So he said he started drinking more because of this. We drank at the end of every day and we would always argue when we did. I told him it was a lot to do with drinking and let's stop, but he never paid much mind and blamed me most of our (drunken) fights. He is a good man at heart I believe but totally confused. His ex cheated on him about a year ago now and did before this also... and he 'hated' her but stayed there for his kids, until he met me..He will be going through a court battle soon with her, but when with me, he kept on putting it off-(getting lawyer etc). He drank instead.
He said he is a procrastinator and I tried to edge him on to get started. He said I am a great woman with a huge heart, but he can't forgive me talking to this ex/B/F-guy friend (who I should of cut right off a few days after I met him, according to him.) It was 100% platonic though between me and this guy, he knew this. One thing he said from beginning though was he HATES more than anything, liars and cheaters...I think he was referring mostly to his ex 'wife' before who did this, he couldn't stop telling me this through our short lived relationship - "never lie to me or cheat”, I never would cheat and I believe he knew this, but I told him a couple little lies and that started it all I think.
Also I said so many hurtful things to him a few nights before he moved out, as he did me. Both were drinking, of course. Then he'd call and made excuses to come get things of his he left here--this lasted about a week or so after he left. He would always blame me again for talking to the ex and a few other little annoying things he could think of I did. Then one night about 3 days after he left he called me from a bar at midnight and said “I miss you but we are totally done”- He was yelling very loud and blaming me again- saying you picked your ‘ex’ over me so –Bye Bye-(He sounded very ha ha sounding I thought when he said this). Then he hung up. Then he called a few days after this and said he was thinking that we should date maybe, start over, that he liked how I/we were in the beginning, wished it could go back to that way now---carefree fun etc., and that we moved very fast (him moving in right away.)
He told me he ‘hates his ex wife and they never argued like me and him did-- He said we are not compatible’. He said before though that I made him feel loved. Every darn day out of the relationship, we drank when he got off work. He broke up with me that night on the phone - from nightclub, (this was almost 3 weeks ago now though) and he was quiet those times he came over, except saying he thinks I am a liar that I was out running around all day with ‘who knows who’ and that he thinks I did this and that even after I swore on everything to him this last time I did not.
He said not much and hugged me as he ‘had to go somewhere’ "excuse I think not to stay long" he was very polite this time he smiled and I said bye have a good dinner tonight with his brother. It was so calm, but he never brought up getting back or anything these times. That was it. I can't contact him as I have no idea where he is-but work, and I won't actually go to see him there. So I am still holding on that he will come around and want to try again. But regarding his ex and kids problems, I told him I would've stood by him.
I wish I knew what he was thinking about us is all. Guess if no calls for this long, he's not coming back---and everyone is telling me “if he really loved you he would have called you or came over to see how you are doing this past 3 weeks. I want to know if that means he never/or doesn't now love me? can anyone tell me if you think he may call/comeback if it has been this long without any contact and the last visit was so relaxed but trivial? Thanks
My eyes hurt reading it so I didnt. Its time though for you to go No Contact untill your emotionally at a stage where you are indifferent. By staying in contact with confusion - an ex, you will become emotionally unstable. Its unhealthy. Work on yourself and your life for a while and learn what its liek to be single and happy. A relationship should never make someones life, ever!
Leave this person alone, the more you push the more they will pull away.
Very well posted. Clearly defines your position and sounds like your in very deep waters.
If this were a Psych-101 question I'll bet 99% of the students whould answer as follows:
To resolve the current situation, C/L divorce, Legal facts to deal with, no clear commitment in terms of child custody, betrayal during marriage, death of a loved one, possible loss of a home, lack of anger control, a well defined level of sub clinical paranoia and an addiction to alcohol, you should both see if there's a miracle out there because THIS is beyond any one human being's capability to resurrect. This man is to you what a "black hole" is to the Universe.
To resolve this current situation with both contestants sober and no history of alcohol or drug abuse would be at least monumental. With the given history any thought of resolution is simply a joke.
To give what you describe as a relationship any change of developing into a healthy life long partnership, he must seek professional help for his addictions and behavior, must follow through as directed, demonstrate for at least a year that he has both feet on the ground and recognize his responsibilities as a birth father.
Consider he follows through with the above and it's now 2009.
Submit your question again but exclude any mention of alcohol, betrayal, anger, paranoia, custody and loss of home. The question would again sit before the Psych-101 students and this time their answer would be much different.
Be smart and take care of yourself starting right now.
Linear Mode
