my boyfriend says he loves being with me when we're both relaxed and is completely committed to our relationship, in every way, but when I start to expect and ask to be together at certain times, he feels pressured and has become extremely angry and hurt that I start to doubt him. It has the effect of pushing him away. I find it really difficult to follow his pace, as I begin to suffer from emptiness when we've not been together for more than a couple of days. Can two people be in love and yet be incompatible in their need for togetherness - which causes confusion and hurt for both people?

talaniman

Yes they can, and those problems can be overcome with honest communications, and a willingness to work together, to resolve those issues. lLet ask you your ages,and how long has this relationship has been going on?

ForeverZero

Being a strapping young lad myself, i wanna call a quick time out and point something out. When i was dating my ex, she pretty much was the same way, in the sense that if i didn't see her every 12 seconds she'd become sad and upset, at which point it's my fault she's sad and it's my job to fix it. I'm of the opinion that if you can't spend 2 or 3 days without your partner, that's a strong indication of codependency, which wreaked havoc on my last relationship. You might consider looking inside yourself for things to fill your life with besides relationships.

frangipanis

Thanks ForeverZero – odd, since my boyfriend says he can be feeling content and happy for weeks and confident we’re on track, until I suddenly raise an issue he feels I’ve invented that reduces everything back down to zero… just that you have zero in your name, that’s all.

I’m glad you said what you did, since basically, I think that’s how he feels at a gut level. I like to be with him every second or third day by the way, not every second, which is a big difference and doesn’t constitute being clingy, in my opinion. However, in his mind it does and is made worse if I start to feel jealous or suspicious (which I admit I go a little crazy with) and like you say, he really doesn’t want to go back there again with any woman.

However, once my comfort zone is breached, my emotions start to play havoc, and I need to find a happy compromise. But getting to that point seems near impossible at the moment, since my boyfriend doesn’t want to be in a position where he feels he has to see me or give me an idea of when we will be seeing each other, as I should naturally trust he loves me no matter where he is or what he's doing. This makes me feel I’m being left in limbo, and I really don’t like being put in that position.

I do see that he has become an important key to my happiness at the moment, which isn’t healthy and it worries me that I’m like that, even though my life is fairly well balanced otherwise. I mean, I have family, work, friends, things I’m interested in outside the relationship, and I could realistically move on with my life without him.

******

And thanks Talaniman for your optimism which I need right now... he is 47 and I’m 48, we’re both divorced with kids and were in long lasting marriages (mine lasted 20 years) where we were both faithful. We’re both responsible people and loving, and possibly both a little head strong. We've been together for 9 months.

Any way you can help me through this, would be appreciated.

talaniman

Keep your life balanced, and assuming this is an exclusive dating relationship, your still at the point of learning how to communicate, and how to work together. No hurry, take it slow, and pay attention. By all standards, your still in the early learning stage, so don't make high expectations at this time, but do be honest, and tactful. Your not a young kid and neither is he, and we know how set in our ways we can be. Be patient, as there is no hurry to establish how you go about resolving your issues. Take the time it takes, and don't rush the process.

frangipanis

We're beginning to talk about our relationship in a less emotional way, getting to understand each other a little better. And yes, especially because we approached our relationship with care from the start and based it on friendship and love, it still feels fairly new and a little open ended at this stage.

I'm not sure why I'm disappointed when he says he would be happy to continue along the way we have been for longer to be sure of his feelings, even though he reassures me he's very much in love with me. When I hear those words, I seem to instinctively want to turn away from him and run for safety, rather than giving him what he says he really wants and genuinely put my faith in him, and to be patient.