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    My 10 year girlfriend wants a break.

    Asked May 6, 2012, 02:24 PM 8 Answers
    I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years, we have been very happy in that time and have loved each other through thick and thin. Sure there have been ups and downs, but we have always loved each other.

    All of a sudden last week she sat me down and suggested we have an "open relationship", I refused and we talked for a while. In the end she said she was confused and didn't want an open relationship. She just was unhappy and didn't know why. So we sorted it out and it was lovely again for a week. She sat me down again today, and said that she wanted a break for 3 days (while crying her eyes out). She says she is unhappy and doesn't know why. She says that she doesn't want to break up, but needs time to think about what is going on with her lately.

    I love this girl very much and we have never had a problem like this before, even after 10 years we were still strong. Until this happens all of a sudden. She says she needs to find out who she is and sort her own head out. So tonight while still crying her eyes out she left me to stay at her mums house. We agreed we would meet on Wednesday at 7:00 pm to talk about whatever decision she has come to. She also keeps saying that she couldn't bare to not have me in her life and doesn't want to break up etc. She was kissing me and saying that she loved me before she left.

    To sum up - everything has been fine now all of a sudden after 10 years she starts coming out with all this weirdness saying she isn't happy and she doesn't know why, she needs to sort her head out etc.

    I would be very grateful if people could shed some light on this as I have nobody to talk to about it and this is my first night sleeping alone. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. She is a very honest person and she says it is nothing to do with wanting to be with another person.

    Last edited by talaniman; May 6, 2012 at 04:13 PM.
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    8 Answers
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,043, Reputation: 10288
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #2

    May 6, 2012, 04:27 PM


    Its called wonder lust my friend, the urge to explore and experiment in an effort to make sense of what she is doing, and where she is going. For whatever reasons you both have not defined what you are doing in the way of a settled definite path, instead of this 10 year dating thing, its now caught up with you.

    So why are you still just cruising along in a living arrangement that is making her unhappy. Great for you, but obviously not for her. I mean are there kids involved, or has more commitment to these family things been discussed? Or did you think you would live together in dating bliss forever? Please let me know the answers to these questions so I don't have to assume down a wrong track.

    Off hand I would say this is about YOU, not giving her what she needs, and she is stepping out for some fresh air. But more information is needed before one can figure out what she means by an open relationship. I take it as "we can date others and are no longer living together". That's what her actions are about.

    In any case, since the deed is done, and she is no longer there, consider you both single and free and restructure your life accordingly, because it sure looks like a break up to me!

    Sorry guy, but reality is best faced head on, and you have had to have seen this coming but dismissed it as impossible. No this was hardly out of the blue or that sudden, as she has been planning this for a long while, and I doubt your talk will change things, just make it final. Sorry, but hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
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    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 8,643, Reputation: 1640
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    #3

    May 6, 2012, 04:50 PM
    Just to add to what Talaniman has asked... how old are both of you and is this the first serious relationship for you both?
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    puccini's Avatar
    puccini Posts: 40, Reputation: 7
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    #4

    May 7, 2012, 05:22 PM
    You are not without hope if she is an honest girl as you say and says that she doesn't want to break up. If she restates this position on Wednesday: still confused, torn doesn't feel as though she wants to lose you, I would suggest counseling: for her or for you both. She clearly has deep feelings for you but perhaps feels your life doesn't have direction or maybe the romance has gone and you have become loving companions (which is perhaps why she briefly mentioned the open relationship - she loves you wants you in her life but also wants romance). I don't know but exploring it with a counselor would seem like a step in the right direction. You need to address it if you get back together I feel and not paper over it, since it will likely recur.
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    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 1,978, Reputation: 551
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    #5

    May 7, 2012, 05:27 PM
    It seems like she wants to see what else is out there, she either does it, doesn't like it and comes back, or she does it, likes it, and never returns. I would treat this as a break up for the time being, 10 years is a LONG time, especially for someone who is willing to all of a sudden, give up on you because of her own selfish feelings, if after 10 years she isn't sure if she wants to be with you, I would question the future of the relationship, regardless of the past.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,513, Reputation: 4591
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    #6

    May 8, 2012, 05:09 AM
    She wants to explore without losing you as her home base. On one hand she wants to know what else is out there (quoting mmresd). On the other she doesn't want to lose what she has.

    Do you want to be the backup if she doesn't find anyone/anything else?
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    spookyruthy's Avatar
    spookyruthy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    May 8, 2012, 05:19 AM
    Just out of curiosity... why did you guys not get married? If you were as happy and in love as you made out, why not seal the deal? You should have no problem marrying the love of your life.

    It might be a case of that she may feel she has wasted 10 years of her life on you with no full commitment from you I.E. a ring on her finger. It seems a shame for you to lose those 10 years, but it sounds like she's made up her mind.

    Give her time and space. She may come around and realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side.
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    puccini's Avatar
    puccini Posts: 40, Reputation: 7
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    #8

    May 8, 2012, 10:46 AM
    Most of what is said on here is specualtion. What is clear is that she loves you but she's confused and unhappy. If you love someone (and she clearly loves you) spending anytime with that person is a blessing not a waste. I hope you both find the right path forwad. Good luck.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 16,519, Reputation: 2332
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    #9

    May 8, 2012, 12:05 PM
    Gee, I would have asked her what you could do to regain whatever is lost. You are part of this, you know. You don't have to just sit there waiting for her to decide. In fact, she may be wondering why you don't. You are acting awfully passive about this!
    A lot of 10 year scenarios are like this:
    - someone else comes along, even just a tiny connection of excitement, and suddenly what you have seems dreary and boring.
    - men treat women more and more like mothers, being waited on, cooked for and cleaned up after, without getting off the couch and taking your eyes off the tube or computer.
    - (women have their stereotypes too, but this is what goes wrong with men.)
    - women need communication, tenderness, sweet words, even if silly romance is long gone. They need to feel appreciated, beautiful, and wanted. A surprise hug or smooch, a bunch of flowers for no reason, some words about how much you value her and why.
    - (men have their wants too, but this isn't about you, who claims to be happy with her.)
    So... how about it?
    -
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