[pasiria]

When we love someone we tend to make excuses for his behavior, we always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially when the other person is good to us in many other ways. Not only do we begin to tolerate what is bothering us, but we think it's normal. But, deep down inside and intellectually speaking, I know for certain that it is not normal for a mate to ignore me completely for days. Not even a word of sweetness. I'm I willing to tolerate this for the rest of my life? No. Do I think he is the last man on earth? Certainly not. However, I would like to get some insight on what you all think about breaking up. In 3 days from now, I will have my engagement get/together involving my family and his only. Just the parents (dinner at home). But, just a few hours ago my fiancé got upset over me watching another channel rather than the local news (which he is addicted to). We only have one TV, due to his procrastination of not hooking the other. Well we seldom watch TV, but I told him, I was sorry I didn't know it was time for news and he was on the phone anyway, talking about his police problems with his brother. I even asked him if he wanted a massage to distress a little. I asked him why he treated me so coldly. He didn't answer, like most of the times. I felt like trowing a tantrum, screaming and racing hell, but I controlled my behavior and appeased myself with comforting thoughts. I'd rather act smart then regret it, plus he needs to sleep to be up in the morning. I will talk to him tomorrow. I do love him, but each time he does this to me is less and less. The problem is that I do not have a job now, but I do have a degree, so that means I just need to get back on my feet and I'm afraid of his reaction. He will throwme on the street and I will loose my expensive furniture. I will talk a lawyer (a good friend). Anyhow, I need advice. Any thoughs are appreciated.

[Alty]

I can't tell you to stay or to go, that's your decision. Having said that, I think you already know the answer, you are just looking for confirmation. You don't like the way he treats you and he is controlling and mean. It sounds like the only reason you are even considering sticking with him is because of the furniture and the roof over your head. Honey I'd rather be homeless that live with someone who doesn't treat me right.

Like I said before, the decision is yours, either decision will take courage and conviction, let us know what you decide.

Good Luck.

[talaniman]

Hook up your own TV. How old are you both? How old is this relationship? How long have you lived together?

[Kevin_s]

Have you tried talking to him about his neglectful actions towards you? You can't expect to have a healthy relationship (and marriage for that matter) if you can't have open communication. It seems like he is selfish and has anger issues if he seriously got mad about the stupid television channel (WHEN HE WON'T HOOK UP THE OTHER T.V.)

Before you take the plunge and get married and deal with the other issues that come with divorce... it may be good to talk to him and maybe see if he's willing to talk to a counselor or therapist to try to help. If he is in love with you and doesn't want to lose you, I'm pretty sure he'll be all right with the idea. The only problem I see in talking to him about this is that he gets angry (just don't try to talk to him when the news is on haha)

Like Altenweg said above, it's your decision on what path you're going to take, and it seems like you came here to vent and to have confirmation on the feelings and decision you are already coming to (like many people on this board do as well)

Goodluck!

Kevin

[pasiria]

Thank you so much, yes, I needed to vent. This site is like having a bunch of friends, all with different perspectives, experiences, and knowledge. I have tried to ask him to sit down and talk, he will say a few words and close up again. I have tried to ask him if we can go to counseling and he ignores the issue and makes up excuses. He works one full time job and a part time, with weekends off. He refuses to make time to even go walk our two grate danes. We are mature individuals 34 and 36. Both just turned. The reason I haven'r hooked up the other Tv is because that one is not in our room and it is a plasma and I would need to hook it up to the dvd player, we lost the remote, which makes it difficult and we lost the manual when we moved into this home. Yes, I'm worried more about my furniture. It's about 5,000.00, with 2 payments to finish. I had it before I met him. I just want my bedroom, the rest of the furniture is not that expensive. Yes, yes yes, you are right, I'm worried about being homeless. I attend the University and I'm looking forward to taking a creative writing course with an internationally published author. God, I have to admit, I am materialistic, because I'll miss the nice neighborhood and the luxurious vehicle. Even though I have mine too and it's paid off and it's very nice. But, as I sat in bed reading, I asked myself what was more important, love or money. I know it's love, I need it more than I need the money. I look in the mirror and I see a women who wants to be so treasured. But, even so, I am planning on one last ultimatum, therapy, because I always to to communicate using phrases such as "we need to talk nicely and calm, we need to get to the bottom of this, we need to know... blah blah blah into the wall. This is not the first time we have this happen, he likes to ignore me, even if I call his name and I'm tired of the situation. I got accepted into the creative writing spanish course with an internationally know author because my GPA is a 4.0, I was very, very happy, but he didn't even say a word about it, not a word and I was expecting a compliment. He never gives one and he says he is just that way. I believe his low self-esteem is threatened by others' achievements and accomplishments, he is also irritable and is passive aggressive. He is also unforgiving and holds grudges. He really needs help, but will not accpet it. Relationships can be confusing and painful when there is no communication or affection. I need to get out. Thanks for listening, really.

[friend4u178]

Pasira
I think you answered your own question really. I have to agree with all the others but I think deep down you really do know there is a problem and chances are they certainly won't change overnight. If your having second thoughts now I think entering into marriage at this stage would be fraught with danger.

Good Luck!

[kp2171]

Not sure where to go with this...

You state materialism is a driver here... and I'm not judging. Security and safety are real issues worth pursuing. But you know that there is more than just being comfortable to being happy.

So... he ignores you for days on end. I could not take it. I've been with unattentive women early on and I vowed to never live with that feeling again... that you must beg and search for every trace of affection... I just could not do it.

I think you know what you need to do... and I'm glad you have AMHD as a sounding board. A good relationship deserves work and effort... but there is a point at which you need to feel you are getting attention in return... and I think in this case you are doing all the heavy lifting.

Being alone is tough and scarey. But being trapped is also.

[talaniman]

If you can't resolve what to watch on TV, this marriage is headed for a lot of trouble.

Relationships can be confusing and painful when there is no communication or affection. I need to get out. Thanks for listening, really.

Not to bust your bubble but relationships can be confusing and painful WITH communication and affection.

[pasiria]

Talaniman, you have a great reputation as a relationship expert. I'd like to say that this is the first time we fight about a channel, which indeed I opted to immediately change it to what he likes. I know he likes to hear the local news, he works for the community and wants to be informed. However, I was not aware of the time and he was on the phone to begin with. The problem is, he got upset and turned into a freezer. He lays down turned away from me and won't speak. Other times we have fought about other minor things. The TV is not an issue because I rather read, play piano, accordion, exercise. The remote control is the least of my worries, he can have it. Anyway, he hardly has time anyhow. I know relationships can be confusing with or without communication. I've asked several couples and they have similar or worst problems. So, I thought it was normal. But, kp defined what I'm going through. I like affection and I don't want to have to beg for it all the time. However, he was not like this at the beginning of our relationship. I get to see him at around 4 today and really make up my mind in order to cancel the engagement lunch on Sunday. His uncle is driving about 250 miles Saturday morning and Sunday we have to drive another 300 round trip, then he has to drive another 250 to go back home. I want to avoid all this. The problem is I feel so much pressure from my mother and other family members to get married because I'm already living with him and I'm getting old to have babies etc... The truth is that I don't want a baby until I'm done with school. It's just tormenting. I just want to be away so far in a nice beach.

[talaniman]

I like affection and I don't want to have to beg for it all the time. However, he was not like this at the beginning of our relationship.

That I can understand, I don't know how old you are or the time you've spent, but it sounds as if your learning more about each other, as opposed to already knowing how he is. Most people don't just change after a year, you just start finding out how they really are. So that begs the question of ages, and the length of the relationship. Especially the time before moving in together. And be very wary of getting married because parents are pressing, its you who must be ready, not them. As you already have a few red flags waving, you certainly should pay attention to them, and deal openly with them. In any marriage, it comes down to whether the partners can put up with, and adjust, to each others not so good side, as well as those things you love about them. I think your better served exploring whether the kinks can be worked out together, before making a big leap like marriage.

[Kevin_s]

Any updates on the situation?