Our 24 year old daughter was supposed to move out by March 30, 2008. She does not pay rent. She has broken her promises to us over and over. Now she says her apartment will not be ready until May 1. We knew she would keep postponing but what can we do? My husband wants to just change the locks and have the police escort her out. We live in New Jersey. Can we do that? Will the police help us? We have 6 other children living at home, 2 in college. It's demoralizing to the rest of the kids and us, when we work hard to make ends meet and she just watches Court TV all day.:mad:

Welcome to AMHD. Maybe she just loves all of you too much to leave. She should be paying rent. Just curious: does she help the others with transportation, homework, laundry, putting them to bed, baths, etc. Is she he oldest child? Is she involve in any volunteer work? Is she in school?

Hi George_1950 thanks for replying to my post. No, she doesn't do anything to help around the house. She could work but she does not. She is on SSI for epilepsy and has been granted approval through several agencies for all sorts of services but does not avail herself of them except for transportation to her doctors offices and the mall. She came here 3 years ago because her boyfriend was beating her up and now she wants to move back in with him. Which was the impetus for us to tell her to move out. (Our one proviso with her returning home was that she not see him anymore.) I'm sure she loves us but she has this weird sense of entitlement and my husband and I are at our wits end. She is almost proud when she tells us that she will not pay for room and board or anything else. When I told her she could no longer eat our food and share meals with us because we couldn't afford she just started stealing food behind our backs and preparing her meals while we were at work. She denies stealing and has created this story about how we have treated her so badly and we are just kicking her to the curb 'again and again.' It's obvious to everyone involved except her, that she doesn't really want to do anything except be with her abusive boyfriend and play house. She fully expects him to support her when she moves out.

One option is to do not much of anything and see how things play out, which is where you are now. A second option is to petition to be made her guardian; this may be a bit drastic, but bear with me. You could be granted the guardian of her person and property, which removes her legal ability to contract, to receive her SSI money, get her own medical treatment. It would have the effect of making her an 'adult' child. You may not even be successful, but the legal struggle may motivate her to do something - survive - on her on. The third option, and maybe the best, is to begin a relationship with the county mental health clinic or a private counselor/therapist (or minister, priest, or rabbi) with experience in this area, to help your daughter see the value of her life and the value of being productive in society. Please do not think you are having to reinvent the wheel.

The guardian thing sounds like a good idea tell her that if she has not moved by May 1st you are going for guardianship and having her money signed over to you and laying down a full list of rules which include counseling that should put a fire under her butt to get her out asap.

Unless she is putting herself or others at risk, no court will grant you guardianship of a 24 year old able bodied individual. How serious is her epilepsy? Just because a person is deemed disabled by Social Security (which would be why she's getting the SSI) doesn't necessarily mean they need a guardian in the legal sense. Unfortunately being a BRAT is not a crime or disability in the eyes of the law!
I say give her an ultimatum... out NOW or start kicking in to support herself.

They might be able to use it as a scare tactic if she doesn't know the laws.

First no the police will not get invovled at all, this is a civil issue.

Now if it was my child, I would change the locks but that is not the right and legal thing to do.
If you had given her a written notice to move out, and she did not, you can take her to housing court to evict her

Thanks too all of you who responded to me. A friend of ours also spoke to a Judge in our area (New Jersey) who said that the solution was simple: Wait until she is out and then change the locks and move all of her stuff outside. I think Fr_Chuck already suggested that, but he didn't think it was legal. Well, legal or not, this is what the Judge suggested.

So, at this point, we have put a lock on the door between her space and ours where there's a button on our side to lock it and a keyhole to lock from the other side. Fortunately, she doesn't have the key. We have also started locking the other doors to the house which, as far as we know she does not have keys for.
As soon as we know she will be out for an hour or two, we are changing the locks. We spoke to the other kids and they are united against letting her back into the house. Can you imagine? None of them have any sympathy left for her. She's driven them all away from her with her crazy behaviour.

Thanks again for everyone's help. I'm so glad I found this website.

Just a small thought. It's a little crude and mean but believe me it works. My father did it to both of my brothers at 18.

The next time she leaves the house for ANY reason... pack her a nice weekend bag and set it on the front porch with a note telling her you love her. You and your husband go find something to do for the whole day and... change the locks.

Hmm, as I was reading the prior responses, I contemplated all the possible reactions a person might have when they returned and found the locks changed. Hope she doesn't burn your house down, trash your cars, or lie in wait to shoot you. How good is your relationship?

I think a 30 day written notice is required to make it legal to evict her.

If she is an adult than yes the police can/will escort her out of the house at your request. Not sure where some people got the idea that the police will not get involved. If you call them and tell them that you asked her to leave but she would not than the police WILL escort her off the property.

Why would she need a 30 day written notice? The brat pays no rent has no rental agreement and NO rights to the house. Call the police and tell them you have a squatter or I like the idea of changing the locks when she is not there and leave her crap on the sidewalk! You can always ask a policeperson to be there when she comes home to find her stuff on the lawn to make sure nothing gets violent.

To those who recently posted on my adult child won't leave and won't pay rent issue: Yes, she could go nuts and try to burn the house down. We're hoping she won't do anythign like that but I suppose there is always that possibility. And we did give her an eviction notice and spoke to her very seriously on March 1. We made it clear and put in writing that she was to be out on March 31, 2008. But she has now tried to postpone that date and push it back no less than 4 times! We knew when we gave her the eviction that she would try to do that, and that is why, in less than six weeks, we have made the decision to change the locks on her. Otherwise, she will just keep pushing the date back.
But don't forget: she is really NOT a tenant. She just refuses to pay rent. We allowed her to live here for almost 3 years without paying anything. She came to us (for the third time) because her boyfriend was beating her up. Then she decided to have surgery for her epilepsy. In the 2nd year we told her that she would need to pay rent after her surgery was completed. That was done in August '07 but she still didn't pay anything. She didn't even kick in for a meal! We told her in serious discussions three times that she needed to contribute to the household and pay for things but she never came up with anything. Finally I typed up a little one paragraph room and board agreement to commence when her next check was due. (This still gave her almost 4 weeks notice before the payments would start.) When the date came she paid a portion of the amount we had agreed upon!! Next, she said she was looking for apartments with her abusive boyfriend which was the one thing we told her we would not tolerate. So, our next move was the eviction notice. So, she is not a legal tenant, she has no lease, and she has not paid any rent. That is why I don't think we will need to go through the Eviction process. Her nonsense has just been so demoralizing for all of us. My husband was suicidal last December. He's getting pretty depressed about it now. I can't sacrifice my entire family for this one girl. She seems to get some sort of kick out of seeing us struggle while she lays in bed or talks on the phone or watches our cable TV (my husband removed the cable box last night). The thing that really irks me is that she smokes, sitting out on our porch talking on the phone for hours. It is so trashy looking for her to be sitting out there like that. It really embarasses me. I can't imagine what our neighbors think.
Anyway, that's the long boring response to all of your kind and helpful suggestions.

To Squeaks77 and BMI; yes the changing locks idea has a lot of satisfaction to it. And we went down to visit the police yesterday but they said they would certainly not escort her off the premises. Now if she were already locked out and trying to break in, that was another story. They suggested speaking to the Sheriff to see if they would do it and that's when we called our friend who is married to an under-sheriff and they spoke to the judge who said to change the locks while she was away from the house, which is what we are now planning on doing. So, we'll see what happens. I'll do a post after the deed and let you all know how it went.

The police won't escort her off the property?? I live in Canada and they most certainly would come and take her out of the house, I guess it's different where you live.

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband have to go through something like this, it appears your daughter has no respect for her parents and that is just wrong. My parents had a similar albeit less difficult situation with my brother. He would notleave and so they called the police and they escorted him out (thats why it shocks me they told you they would not). He came crawling backbt still caused problems until he moved out years later, theyget along fine now (go figure).

I think that this girl needs a dose or reality as she seems unfazed by your actions sofar, in my experience once the "real" world sinks in they almost immediately realize their mistakes and reconciliation can be achieved. Either way it is going to be tough but I really like your comment about saving your family, how much can the family suffer for one person?

Best of luck to you and your family. Please let us know how it turns out.

You have a lot of kids, I assume they have to share bedrooms - if I were you I'd make her move out of the bedroom she's in (do it while she's not home if she refuses) and move one of your other kids in there and make her sleep on the couch or mattress on the floor or something.

Tell her that if she doesn't pay rent and help out with the other kids she can't have her room back. If that doesn't work I'd change the locks.

Make sure you make yourself the victim in her eyes otherwise she'll keep playing the victim card - tell her about all of your financial troubles and the stress that it's putting on the rest of your kids. Tell her that she had her turn already.

Tell her that your sorry for raising her to be such a brat and a deadbeat (lol - that'll shock her). Tell her that you feel sorry for her that she doesn't have any back up plan if her boyfriend leaves her because she's not coming back here. Tell her that you feel sorry for her for not living life and missing out on all the good things people her age get to do without their parents looking over their shoulder.

Otherwise you could always threaten Dr Phill :P

All good suggestions and thanks to all of you who helped us out. Believe me, the emotional support alone was worth millions! Our deadbeat girl is gone. Changing the locks worked. We locked her out on Tuesday evening after she left and on Wednesday after she showed up with the cops demanding her stuff. I was insulted by the cops and her over and over (they really bought her story about how we were mistreating her) but still inside I was shouting Hurray! And jumping up and down in my hear. I couldn't wait for her to get her stuff out. So, the saga on our end is over. Sad for her, though. KateBell88, you gave me some great ideas for the next time I have to speak to her. I will use all of your 'feel sorry' suggestions. They are great. Maybe she will get it eventually. If she lives very long. Thanks!

What's the law on this in North Carolina? My friends mother is going through a similar situation, but she is 78 & her son is verbally abusive, steals her meds & is a no good piece of... Anyway, him & his brainless wife have 2 girls. The wife & girls could go to her mothers, but she won't & thinks it is just fine to take over a persons house. They do not pay rent or help with food. Any thought?
Thanks