My husband and I keep ending up in dire financial straits. In previous posts, I questioned whether this was luck, past relatives getting revenge, etc. and, with your help, began to really pay closer attention to what goes on between my husband and I.

Quite simply, our economic mishaps seem to peter down to one thing: a lack of communication. While he tells me that it's all my fault and I don't communicate our financial status to him, I'm starting to see that it's more a matter of I talk, he doesn't listen.

What compounds the communication issue is he insists he has a "photographoc memory", but even though he can give the conversation back to me verbatim, he doesn't see that he misunderstood.

Prime examples (but just the very peak of the iceberg):

Mother's Day and my birthday fall roughly one week apart, and he takes a 4 day fishing trip right in between. He always asks what I want for a present.
(Example 1) Last year, I told him "a girl's night out to a movie with our daughter while you're away". He handed me a $50 bill to cover it and went off fishing - but then saw there was $75 left in the bank account while he was away and picked up a pair of $69 boots for himself at a store near the fishing camp. I had told him before he left that there was a check for $72 written out to the phone company that hadn't cleared yet, but in the excitement of buying new boots, he "forgot" - and then gave me back the whole conversation including that mentioned check. (Meanwhile, having seen the debit on the online "pending transactions" screen, I had to put in the $50 he gave me and transfer every penny out of my savings account to cover the boots he'd bought. He never came up with the $50 for the night out once he got home, so my only present was a new flower garden he decided to build me, whether I wanted it or not, and which I have to weed, water, etc.)
(2) This year, my request was for a dinner out with our son, just back from college, his fiance and our daughter at one of those Japanese restaurants that cooks the food right in front of you - our treat because none of them have a job at the moment, so they couldn't have bought presents anyway. Since he didn't like it the one time he went to one of these restaurants, I told him we'd do this while he was away on his fishing trip so he didn't have to eat things he didn't like. He fussed loudly about the cost of $100 for four to eat there (even though he'll often take us out to Applebees, which is generally about $125 for four), but told me to make the reservation. After the reservation was made, he went out and bought $100 worth of plants for my garden after I had repeatedly told him that I didn't want to add any more plants until next year so I could see what the bulbs I planted last fall were going to do. (He dug up some of those bulbs, which were STARTING to grow, in order to plant the annuals he'd bought, then thought his saying "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think they were going to do anything because the tulips were already up and blooming." was going to make up for it. He never asked, or I would have told him that the lilies and irises come up later than tulips...) Of course, because he spent the $100 I was holding aside for the dinner, I had to resort to more creative financing to cover the night out with the kids....

I've tried to get him to go to counseling with me to get him to understand why this is such a major stress factor in my life, but he doesn't believe in it and refuses.

I've gone to credit counselors, but unless he curbs his impulse spending, any budget I try to make is useless because he won't adhere to it.

I've tried praying to every diety I've ever heard of for him to finally get the point and stop spending money we don't have, but nothing happens.

Can anyone help me with this - even if it's just to tell me that, after 23 years of marriage, I should just give up and dump this bone-head because he's never going to change?

dmeeu

I will be married 30 years next month (to the same woman). People have asked me so many times how we lasted this long that I have been researching marriage. Tolstoy wrote in "Anna Karenina" that all happy familys are happy in the same way, but unhappy families are each unhappy in their own miserable way.

I liked that line so much, I have tried to identify the ways that happy families/marriages are happy. Beyond mutual love and respect, I have found that happy couples agree (or at least agree to disagree) in seven areas: Family, Children, Religion, Money, Careers, Sex, and distribution of duties.

I think Tolstoy meant that happy families always have those seven items worked out. Unhappy families are not necessarily unique, but they do each have their own combination of these seven items that cause their misery.

The divorce rate in this country peaked at 51% in 1981. It has abated slightly since then to 41%. I say slightly beause the numbers are now skewed by the number of people who set up housekeeping, live together for a few years, have a baby or two, and then go their separate ways. That is not tallied in the divorce statistics. With those situations rolled in, I am sure the divorce rate is as high as ever.

My advice to people young and old now is to look at your marriage/relationship and consider those seven items. If a conflict is there, it must me addressed or it will untimately ruin the marriage and you will become a statistic. My suggestion to Tigerella is to seek counseling. If your husband won't go, go alone. That problem is not going to go away by itself.

kp2171

my wife and i split up some accounts... though, given your husbands track record, he probably will grump about this too.

to make sure there is always money for critical bills, we have an account just for that. water, energy, mortgage, loans, credit, and annual bills like car tags, tax fees, etc. we have an estimated average that is automatically deposited every month. some months its too much, some months its too little (like when heating bills get high) but again, it all works out if you start out with a little extra in there are dont pull money out when there is extra.

we have another account that is variable expenses. food, gas, any other shopping that is variable. this account is harder to manage with two people. i handle the budget and the recordkeeping, and my wife informs me of any expenses she intends to make out of this account beforehand if possible so that we can plan the budget. its not a controlling her thing... its so that we can stay on track and on the same page. i have more time to manage it and she prefers not to.

she also has a third account. this is not at the same bank as the others. this is a savings account that gets a little money dumped into it every pay period. we started out with just $50 a month, now we do $200. it builds up nicely when youre not looking, and we do not have access to the account unless we go into the bank. we both agree this is emergency money and isnt touched for common purchases.

i dont know your situation and whether you could do something like this. having fixed expenses separated from variable has been a lifesaver... you never have to worry about the bills getting paid as long as you respect that money.

just something thats worked for us. if you cannot talk to him about it, it is going to make it hard to manage this. you both need to be on the same page. hes being insensitive and its not good.

talaniman

As KP says it takes a lot of co-operation and communication. personally you should not be under stress from this as he doesn't co-operate or communicate, or listen. Keep your own money do your own bills and don't put any money in his account. Extreme but necessary to wake his butt up. The only way that happens is when he's broke and has no access to money. Bet he'll start listening when you stop co-operating and communicating.

tiggerella

Thanks again for all the great advice - and for those questioning why this is under "Psychics": I was hoping someone would be able to sense the mental reasoning for some of this, as hubby was in a car accident in 1992 and I often wonder if maybe some of our issues are due to scrambled circuits in his head.....and a psychic might be able to tell me that....hehehe

NeedKarma

No psychics here (or anywhere).

talaniman

Psychic? I thought you said psycho!

kp2171

then you know im going to ignore you. maybe you should just pm the persons that you know will call you.