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littleone01 · Jan 25, 2007, 05:33 PM

[F]
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years now ! We first met in a club, and start pretty hot and heavy! Soon after the passion died down as did the sex. Ive always been the one to want it more, and in the past he blamed his unwillingness on alcohol, saying alcohol makes him tired and not wanting to have sex. Well here we are four years later, and still facing the same sex problem, he has absolutely no SEX DRIVE. He always blames it on something else and I am starting to get annoyed. A year ago, I caught him cheating on me, which well hurt me, considering that we never have sex! Anyhow, we worked out that issue and well since that episode he has stopped wanting me all together !:mad: Im truly hurt, I tell him how I feel, and he blames his low libido on work and not me. Do you think he could still be cheating on me, or does he feel guilty about what happened and come to face the fact that he screwed up majorly and that sex with me reminds him of his mistakes?? Or can he be one of those guys that well everything stresses him out and that he could be too tired?? Someone please help??

Lacey · Jan 25, 2007, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by littleone01

[F]
My boyfriend and I have been going out for 5 years now ! We first met in a club, and start off pretty hot and heavy !! Soon after the passion died down as did the sex. Ive always been the one to want it more, and in the past he blamed his unwillingness on alcohol, saying alcohol makes him tired and not wanting to have sex. Well here we are four years later, and still facing the same sex problem, he has absolutely no SEX DRIVE. He always blames it on something else and I am starting to get annoyed. A year ago, I caught him cheating on me, which well hurt me, considering that we never have sex !! Anyhow, we worked out that issue and well since that episode he has stopped wanting me all together !:mad: Im truly hurt, I tell him how I feel, and he blames his low libido on work and not me. Do you think he could still be cheating on me, or does he feel guilty about what happened and come to face the fact that he screwed up majorly and that sex with me reminds him of his mistakes ??? or can he be one of those guys that well everything stresses him out and that he could be too tired ??? Someone please help ?????

When you say that you "worked out" his previous cheating episode... how did that go? What was his reasoning regarding having a more active libido with someone else but not enough left for you?
Does sex with you remind him of his mistakes?. uh, I think you are giving him a lot more credit for deep emotional thought than most guys have in relation to sex... honestly that's not a low blow to guys in general it's just been proven over and over that us ladies tend to place a much deeper meaning on the most basic pleasures and most men are much less complicated in their thinking about emotional things... I know that's generalizing... true, your guy could be different... but as you describe his responses, he sounds more like "most".

littleone01 · Jan 25, 2007, 08:56 PM

Ok to fully respond to your answer.. :)
We were having problems in our couple (non sex related) and decided to take a break. One night I decided to surprise him at home, and well found him with another girl. :( At that moment in time, he had not slept with her yet... I was deeply hurt.. On my part I was taking our time a part to think about the.. not to meet knew people.. I cried and basically stormed out of the apartment. The next day, he wrote me an email.. explaining what I had seen, that he understood how I probably felt and that I wouldn't want to talk to him.. yet for the first time I guess fully explained to me how he had been feeling the last couple of months.
After a month a part, we met over coffee, and he needed me to know.. he missed me and realized that I was the one for him. I needed questions to be answered and that's when I found out, he had cheated on me that night ! ( AFTER I HAD LEFT ) When I asked him why he had cheated on me, he said it was because he was MAD AT ME... MAD I guess that I had walked in.. Or I don't know.. but his reason was that HE WAS MAD AT ME and that in some way or form.. it was to get back at me... :mad: Anyhow.. I don't know if this makes any sense but... he insisted that what he had did wasn't worth it and that he fully regretted what he had did , that it didn't last more than 5 minutes when he realized what he was doing and didn't know how he could fully ever redeem himself!

So yada yada.. we got back together and I for the first month the sex was amazing.. I guess what you could call the make up sex.. but shortly after nothing... Like I said, I have discussed with him my feelings and he swears to me that his job and the fatigue are the only reason for his low libido...

Anyhow... like I said.. I would really appreciate any positive feedback.. most of my guy friends find this behavior odd... but could he just be tired?? Or is there some hidden thing that I should know?? :confused: for instance... is he still cheating... is he just one of those guys that doesn't like sex.. or..

Sentra · Jan 25, 2007, 09:28 PM

When guys hit a certain age, their sex drive lowers. It's a fact, honestly but also, anything else that is stress related can affect it too.

I should also bring up, that if he is reminded of his actions of infidelity every now and then, THAT will play a very large part in his low self-esteem, (which is what it sounds like) and possibly make him subconciously think that since sex is what got him in trouble in the first place, then it can't be good.

You can do one of a few things, the very first one being to NOT bring up his 'no sex' preference, he may feel bad enough that he doesn't have the urge and even more worse because he feels he isn't pleasing you.

If he is NOT cheating on your, there may be something else bothering him that he has not built up the courage to come right out and talk about just yet, give him time. Another thing, is make him happy and exaggerate other things in your relationship OTHER than sex.

Sex is just extra, if that is the only good thing about a relationship, it likely won't last unless there is something more substantial to keep the relationship together.

I can understand why you question his possibility of cheating, but if you can't trust him enough to at least be honest with you then the two of you do not need to be together. Without trust, there can be nothing.

Lacey · Jan 25, 2007, 09:35 PM

Hhhmm... well littleone I got to say my gut instinct is that he is not being completely honest... only because I think that the moment you appeared to "surprise him" and found him with someone else while you two were "taking a break"... his first thought should have been to follow you, explain himself one way or the other, that moment while he knew you'd be hurting... the fact that he got "mad" at all and then had the where with all and "energy" at that point to get naked with another woman... well he wasn't "missing you" when he walked this other woman in the house now was he?
Too often I've heard people say "we need a break" or "we'll just separate" (in a marriage) and for one of them that's simply an excuse to have intimate relations with someone other than the partner they claim to be taking a "break" from...
You are right... if your were just on a "break" from one another then you aren't supposed to be turning to someone else sexually... that's just my opinion... if you decide that you are going to be intimate with another then you must either end the current relationship or at the very least make it clear to the oher person that you intend on seeking sexual gratification elsewhere in the meantime... which allows them to end the relationship at that point if they can't accept the circumstances surrounding the "break"...

If you want to save this relationship and he still wants it then you two must sit down and honestly discuss your fears and questions regarding his lack of desire for you sexually... tell him that you are unhappy and have a need for more intimacy and you want to work with him to find a way to help him get the proper rest and help him rediscover his desire for you... you may need to compromise and he may need to meet you halfway also... as an example, see if you can help him with an errand so he has more time for you when not at work... little things like that... you must tell him you question his desire for you and ask him to be honest with you... if he is cheating and not willing to discuss these things it could be that he is "comfortable" and afraid to lose his "safe place" in you while he does what he wants.

littleone01 · Jan 26, 2007, 07:32 AM

Well to answer both of you.. and to whom might I say I greatly
Like I said, Im not finding justification for what he did, but bottom line is, we were on a break and if he needed to go elsewhere to realize what he had wasn't worth losing then be it, and I should never have known.. yet this time he got caught...
My reasons for bringing this subject up, is marly to try to clarify or enlighten on some aspects of the low libido subject.
For the moment, I don't think infidelity is the answer.. because well.. he's always at home.. OK OK.. I know it only takes 10 minutes to cheat on someone, but I don't think that's what the problem is.
I will try to amplify other things we do because as Sentra mentioned, I don't think that relationships are only about Sex, and we do spend great time together. I will try to help him out as much as I can, yet there is so much I can do!!

littleone01 · Jan 26, 2007, 07:34 AM

Sorry guys, I had written a severely long message and well I guess it got cut off.. therfore it might not make any sense... Im not going to re-write everything, but I want to thank you for your answers they were helpful !

talaniman · Jan 26, 2007, 09:18 AM

I think there are other areas of this relationship that need work and sex is only the tip of the iceberg. Drugs ,alcohol, or medication can lower libido but lack of communication can throw off other areas such as intimacy, or being able to share private feelings with one another and I can see that the trust is a big issue that needs a lot of work on both parts as he wonders if you trust him or not. Couples counseling would be my next move in this situation.

littleone01 · Jan 26, 2007, 09:22 AM

Ive brought up the idea of getting help ( i.e.. Counselling ) and he says absolutely not.. that this is not an issue that needs counselling.. he is aminent about the fact that he is tired and that's it !

talaniman · Jan 26, 2007, 09:43 AM

Then you go by yourself because you have major problems that need to be resolved and the first step is to identify them. Lack of sex is only a symptom of something more going on.

Lacey · Jan 26, 2007, 01:31 PM

The fact that he is "home all the time" does she more light on the fact that it may not be so much of a wandering eye or desire for others too...
His refusal to seek any outside help sounds it may involve something he finds embarrassing or feels is demeaning... he may be having performance anxieties related to any number of things as was listed above and may be fearing what he doesn't understand... I still encourage to try and talk to him a in way that says you want to help him figure out what's draining his energy in general... let him know you hate to see him so tired all the time and that you'd like to help him figure out how get better rest so he can simply enjoy his daily life when not at work... he won't talk to a counselor but if you feel comfortable doing that then definitely do it for you... but as for him it sounds like the only person he may trust to discuss what's really going on with his own stress and fears is you