[spring47]

My son told us when he was 15 that he was gay we didn't respond so well, however, things quietened down and we quietly accepted the fact that he was gay and life plodded on as normal going family holidays and outings etc. As normal families do we had arguments along the way with him calling me names and me stupidly calling him names back. We were so close and went everywhere together we were best friends as well as mother and son. Things started going wrong last year when one day he got up and decided that he didn't want to speak to any of us anymore. We tried so hard to approach and mend things without his co operation. His temper tantrums and anger filled his body movements and with every day that passed you could see the anger becoming more aggressive and the hate also even although we were letting him come and go as he pleased . He told his aunt that the reason for this was that the names that I had called him had really hurt him and he was so angry but I continued to apologise to him and it made no difference. He was constantly slamming the doors and disrepecting the house and its contents and giving us verbal abuse. We tried to approach him again recently to try and resolve the situation we approached him calmly and he went nuts trashing his room and then went out overnight and came back the next day with a friend and took all his belongings saying that he wants nothing to do with any of his family including his gran and aunts etc. He has the grudge against me his mother but is taking it out on everyone connected to me even his sisters and brother who is only 10. We now don't know where he is. We contacted one of his friends and he has told his friends that we constantly treated him badly not accepting that he was gay which didn't make sense as we had let his partner stay overnight twice and had not treated him any differently other than the stupid argument we had. How can I get him to contact us and not lose the connection with his siblings and make him see that life is too short to bear grudges. Over the months when his friends tried to get him to talk about how he was feeling or why he wasn't talking to us he would get defensive and tell them he didn't want to talk about it and that he didn't want anything to do with his family. We have provided well for him and he has had a privlidged childhood. We also re assured him that we were OK with him being gay but he doesn't seem to believe this.

Any advice anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated.

[N0help4u]

It sounds like his problems are with himself and he is taking them out on you.
He probably knows you are not having a real problem with his being gay but for some reason it is the easy out for explaining why he has so much anger.

Until he wakes up and realizes he is the one making life miserable for himself there really isn't much you can do.
He has to want to come back and be a part of the family. Continue telling his friends that you want him back in your life but do not defend yourself, complain about him being the one to cut the ties or put blame on him because if they repeat things like that back to him he may take it negatively.

[MsMewiththat]

How old is your son now?
I think that with consistancy and through continuing to reach out he will come around.

It hurts when you don't understand yourself why you are different. It would have to hurt even more to have a parent, the only people on this earth that should kind of be a given on loving you, turn something so confusing around on you and use it against you and call you names.
Name calling is never OK and we protect our children from bullies at school at the park where ever, but to turn into one even for a second has to be hurtful.
I'm sure you were angry about so many things but it is going to take time for him to forgive you. Allow him his time. Welcome him back when/if he comes, encourage him to teach you about his life and support him not just verbally but all the way.
I don't know your beliefs, but if so pray!

[Justwantfair]

As normal families do we had arguments along the way with him calling me names and me stupidly calling him names back. we were so close and went everywhere together we were best friends as well as mother and son.

Ok, you have a whole list of problems in just these two sentences.

Yes, normal families have arguments, but he was fifteen years old and he was going to treat you the way you allow him to treat you. By calling him names in return, you aren't doing anything more then acting like a fifteen year old yourself. You do not have to stoop to that level just because your teenager is on that level.

You called yourself 'so close', so he had confessed one of the hardest things to confess to you and you used it against him. I can't even begin to imagine how crushing that would be for him. That not only does he get alienated on a daily basis because of his sexuality, his own mother used his sexuality against him.

Last, your son doesn't need a best friend, he needs a mother. The longer you want to play 'friends' with him, the longer he is going to push the boundaries to see what he can get away with. He no longer respects you, you want to be his friend, but he didn't choose to be friends with you. He is fifteen, he still needs direction and you have left him without anyone giving him any.

Time to correct these huge errors, now is not the time for pleading for his forgiveness. Now you have to step back into your role as mother, you don't become friends with your children until they have children until then you have a parenting job to do and it's time to step back into that role. If you want him home, be a mother, not a friend.

[N0help4u]

Hopefully he calls her and patches things up and is willing to come back home someday.
If and when he does you need to greet him with open arms

[hheath541]

How old is he now? If he's 18, then there are no legal matters you can take. That's not saying you can't do anything to patch things up.

It's going to take him a LONG time to forgive you for the way you reacted when he first came out to you. He'll never forget it. How long it takes depends on his age, emotional maturity, ability to understand others, desire to understand and/or forgive, and even the people he talks to. How you treated him afterward is also a factor.

Did the names you call him have homophobic undertones? Did you use his sexuality as a means of attack in ANY way? Did you, or anyone else in your family, make jokes about his sexuality or comments that could be taken badly? Even if it didn't seem like it to you at the time, things you said idly could have had an entirely different meaning to him.

There is a permissibility in today's society to make derogatory comments about homosexuality. 'that's gay' is a comment heard all to often to refer to anything that isn't understood, thought to be stupid, or found wanting in some way. 'fag,' 'homo,' and 'gay' are also used as insults, mostly aimed at boys when they are seen as acting less than 'manly.' the stereotype that all gay men are effeminate and flamboyant and over-the-top can also be hurtful, both for those who happen to fit the stereotype (and, thus, become easy targets for teasing) and those who do not (which can make them feel as if they're not 'gay enough' or lead to others making hurtful comments around them, because they don't believe that they could possibly be gay).

Coming out as a teenager is extremely hard. Teenagers who do find themselves outed, by choice or otherwise, often find themselves the target of teasing, and sometimes torture, at the hands of their peers. When they don't feel like they can be themselves at home it becomes infinitely harder to deal with, especially if they hear some of the same comments in their own homes.

First impressions are important. If your initial impression of someone is negative, then you are not going to seek out further interactions. The same goes for the first reaction to news or a situation. If someone reacts badly, then the subject becomes taboo and we keep most of what we think and feel to ourselves. If the subject is already somewhat of a social taboo, like homosexuality, then the impression is that much stronger, and longer lasting. The courage it takes to first brooch the subject is overwhelming, and to have it received badly is a painful blow.

You reacted badly when your son came out to you. You can't change that. You compounded the situation by not only trying to be more friend than mother, but by responding to his angry words and insults with your own. You can't change that, either. All you can do is change how you act from this point onward.

Don't try to force him to see things our way or do anything he doesn't want to do, assuming he is not still a minor. Since you have already apologized you just need to show, through words and deeds, that you are not going to repeat the same mistakes again. Do not, under any circumstances, true to guilt him into coming back. All it will do is make him resent you by making him feel like the choice was taken from him. Give him the time and space he needs to figure out who he is, without having to consider who he is within the family dynamic. Don't check up on him too often, it will make him feel suffocated, but don't cut off communications completely, which will make him feel unwanted and abandoned.

It will be hard on you, but he needs the time and space to figure things out. He has to decide who he is and what he wants to do with his life. He needs to figure out how his sexuality fits with who he always thought he should be, what he thought was expected of him, and how he thinks society views him. He has to find out where all the anger is coming from and who it's directed at so he can let it go. He has a lot of thinking and growing to do, and it will take time.

As long as you know he's not causing himself or others harm, I would give him all the time he needs. He'll come back when he's ready. You may even find that he comes back sooner if you give him a little space, if only because he'll realize that he misses his family. Just remember, no matter what happens or how long it takes, you can't force him to do anything and trying to be his friend first and mother second will cause more problems than it solves.

Friendship may come in five or ten years or twenty, but until then he still needs a mother more than a friend. He has other friends, but he only has one mother. He needs you to be someone he can come to with difficult problems that require more insight and life experience to solve than his friends have. He needs you to protect him, if only by showing him that he still has a place he can go to when he's in trouble. And he needs to you let him be his own person so he can grow into the adult you raised him to become.

[spring47]

He is now 19. I am so ashamed of myself for reacting the way I did. After a few weeks though things calmed down and nothing more was said so I thought he new we ere accepting that he was gay. The argument that the name calling happened was a few years ago and I am ashamed to say that yes I used his sexuality as a means of attack.I apologised to him afterwards and we seemed to be sorted but I can't understand how or why he was thinking about it after such a long time. His anger etc should be with me but he won't speak to his siblings and his older sister has always been supportive of him and he had a good relationship with his siblings but all of a sudden he has cut this off. His current partner contacted me because he wants to help me try to make things up what do you think we can do. We are meeting this weekend. He has tried to speak to him already but he won't listen to anything anyone says. I am desperate for any advice that anyone can give me. I really really hate myself and at times feel that it would be better if I wasn't on earth, I don't deserve to be. I am so angry at myself for doing what I did. I will do anything to try to make up for what I did. Do you think it would be better if his older sister tried to get him to reconcile with her just now, the thing is he has taken this out on the whole family when they did not do anything to him or have any part in any negativity.

[hheath541]

Give him time. All children go through a stage like this to a lesser or greater degree. There comes a point where they feel they need to cut ties with their family to be on their own. He's taking it to extremes, but pushing him will only make it worse. Just show him, quietly, that you support him and are willing to give him the space he needs. Let any actions the rest of the family takes be their choice, not something you asked them to do.

I know it's hard. You just have to give him the time he needs to work through things. You apologized for the past, now it's up to him to find it within himself to forgive you. Showing him that you are sorry and willing to put in the effort to change your actions will make all the difference in the world.

Since his partner wants to help reconcile things, it should be a quicker process than it would be if he had people telling him to stay away from you. Let him talk to your son and help him in his own way. Hearing that he should forgive you and that you're sorry from someone he loves and trusts, and who has likely gone through a similar situation, will help him cope and forgive faster. You, and your son, are very lucky to have a young man in your life who is willing and able to help fix the rift in your family. That one, simple, act shows that he truly loves your son.

[spring47]

Thank you, I am meeting with him on Sunday and I will come back and let you know how things go.

[N0help4u]

That's good
If he really didn't care you really would not have heard from him again.

[spring47]

Hi

Sorry, it's not my son I'm meeting with it's his partner who wants to try to help us resolve the situation.

[N0help4u]

That's a step.

[JoeCanada76]

Quite honestly, Just from reading what I wrote. I do not believe you accepted his choice for being gay or accepted him as being gay.

You quietly accepted him. That sounds like horse doo doo too me.
How can you quietly accept him there is no such thing. Either you accept him proudly for who he is or you do not. I do not think you do.

Your son, feels like he is better off now not being around his family. That is his choice and obviously he does not feel that he has been truly accepted by the family and I can not blame him for feeling that way.

Your son, might come around. You can apologize until your blue in the face but actions speak louder then words, You need to accept that he decided to leave. That now he has to find his own way.

That maybe there will be reconciliation down the road but you need to realize that this situation is really hard for him and that teenager going through all the changes and I know it is hard to try to be in his shoes and understand exactly what he is feeling.

I would suggest counseling for you to learn how to deal with this situation. Sounds like it is effecting the whole family. I would also really suggest counseling for your son. So he could deal with all the things that he is dealing with and maybe learn how to deal with things better without getting angry and defensive.

Do not force anything on him at this time. Let him have his space and hopefully down the road. Reconciliation is possible.

Best of luck. It is hard, but maybe it is best for him to experience life on his own. Learning life lessons on his own now. Time for him to grow up and start making his own decisions. Even if one of that decision is not to have anything to do with the family.

Do you not think it hurts and is hard for him to walk away from his family. I bet you that hurts a lot whether you think it does for him or not.