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How do children interfere with marriage?
Asked Nov 9, 2008, 01:06 PM
I am four weeks pregnant. My husband and I had only been married one year before we finally got pregnant. I love my husband more than anything. We never do anything without one another. We both want to have the child, but I'm scared to know that I will love something more than my own husband. I can't imagine loving something more than him and deep down I fear this might effect my relationship with my child and my husband in a seriously negative way.
We live together, we work together, we never do anything without one another. I know this is common for the first year or so of marriage- I was told it's called caccooning. I'm more nervous about having to take time off of work than recovering from delivery. I love working side by side with my husband full-time and I don't want that to change. I feel codependent with my husband, but it has been a functioning and happy thing for almost two years. This is both of our first child, so we are pretty clueless on what to expect.
TO THE POINT:
I'm curious how having a child at this point in our marriage will effect our relationship. What I might expect or how I can prepare (both he and myself).
How does having a child effect a codependent marriage?
Does working together help prepare for the teamwork involved in raising a child? Or does it hinder?
What do I do if- worst case scenario- I do not become attached to the child, become an abusive/jealous mother.. How will I know when this is happening? What can I do when/if it does?
Is it unhealthy to use a nanny/babysitter 2pm-12midnight 4-6 days a week? How will this distance effect my child's relationship towards us?
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Nov 9, 2008, 03:55 PM
I'm not an expert at raising children by any means (I'm only 22 myself, single, no children)... But here's my two cents.
I would say that since you and your husband are extremely close and work together well, that will only be a positive to having a child together. If you put forth the effort to work hard on raising him/her as you do at your job, then I see no reason to worry about that.
If you feel that you are not attatched to the child, or feel like doing something harmful to the baby, in any way emotional or physical, then recognize that and see a professional. If you don't recognize that surely your husband will. Try not to dwell on those thoughts, it is never healthy to concentrate on worse-case scenarios (especially when they are highly unlikely!)
This is only my opinion about the nanny, but I do think that may be a bit much. If it can't be helped it can't be helped though. I would just advise that in the time that you ARE at home with the child that you spend an incredible amount of time with him/her and make sure he/she knows how much you love them and want to spend time with them.
I think that you are worrying entirely too much. If you both love each other and the baby, that is all you need. You do not have to love one more than the other; and in any case, don't try to gauge it that way. There are different kinds of love and you won't feel the same love for your husband as you do your child, but you will love them both.
Congratulations on this happy time in your life and I wish you the best.
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Nov 10, 2008, 02:34 PM
Honestly, to me it's two different kinds of love that will have for your child and your husband. It will come to you.. The further you get along and start feeling the baby move the more you will love it and you will realize how easy it is to love both of them equal.My husband and I were very close when I got pregnant and I believe it only brought us closer.We got to experience having our first child together and all the joys that go with it.
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Nov 10, 2008, 05:03 PM
Ok, I am going to be totally honest here. While I totally agree that you have different love for your husband than you do for your child, I do think that children can make a relationship harder at times. My son was by far the best thing to happen to my husband and myself BUT there were times it was not easy. My husband and I used to spend every free second together, so imagine that every second spent on someone else, all the time. For the first couple months our relationship was put on hold, until we got to understanding how our new life would be. We used to go out to dinner at fancy restaurants all the time, now we only go to noisy ones that serve food fast because we only get about 30 minutes out of our 10 month old in a high chair. Like I said before, my son is our life, and we like it that way, but it is not always easy. Now that we have a routine...its great, but remember to always save sometime for you and your husband. Also as far as the child care thing goes...its up to you, me...I opted to quit my job as a full time RN to be a stay at home mom, I love it. I also know moms who do work full time and they love doing that, so when it comes to work it is your preference. Hope this helped!
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