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i recently moved to a new city to join a grad program in psychology and neuroscience. i dont know why but even after a year i feel like i have no friends. i do talk to people and im pleasant but people see me as aloof. somehow i find myself unable to join and mingle with poeple and have them like me and want to be with me. im not desperate and rarely run after people but i do try to be warm. still i feel that people reject me. theyll invite everyone to a party but not me. am i repulsive? boring? i have many things to talk about, share, love good joke. I do tend to be a bit serious and find it hard to be lighthearted. still ive seen many serious people find friends and boyfriends and what not. what is wrong with me. please dont tell me tips from "how to win friends and influence people" i cannot be fake. i rarely find people who enjoy what i do-watching indie films, going to concerts art, music etc. rather i dont find people who have my taste in these things. but there's got to be someone!! i feel like poeple are only nice to me out of pity. it makes me hate this world. i hate pity. why isnt it enough that im myself? i dont expect to be liked by everyone- just someone.please help.
I have been finding the same. People seem content with where their lives are and not interested in expanding friendships or anything. I don't know if it is because they are so caught up in their own life to be bothered or because people do not trust others much any more or what but it is NOT you. It seems to be the normal any more.
I have the same interests and can't find anybody interested in going places and doing things either.
All it takes is one sociable aquaintance and you're in a crowd. It's sad but true. The sociable person can bring you in and make you part of the group. People can be so clique oriented.
At your age,I always found "sociable" people to be fake (well, except for one.) So, what I did was find people who needed me. Sometimes these people are socially undesirable, but if they need a friend too, they'll hang out with you. This may sound like loser mentality, but it frees you from climbing the social ladder with those who are busy looking accepted. Why look like you're wanted? Be wanted.
Later, when you've gotten your degree and a good job, the "right" crowd may be more important. Maybe you'll end up in that crowd, maybe not.
Perhaps you could find a club or organization that you could be a member of where the people share the same interests as you? Do you play an instrument? Do you like to sing? Do you like to dance? Do you like to read a lot? Do you like to go to church? Have you checked the media of various types for social clubs and activities that are going on in your area?
I do know what it feels like to think that I have no friends. If I wasn't involved in the various musical activities that I am in, I'm sure that I would find myself somewhat isolated because of the nature of my self-employment.
thanks for your answer. i do hang out with people of my own interest but usually, i find that even within that group, everyone else gets together and i get left out. so i dont know whats going on.
I think what you need to first learn to do is learn how to enjoy your own company, be by yourself sometime and if you cant even stand to be alone then maybe there is something people dont like being around you...
I was thinking about your situation. There may be something you do, or don't do that causes others to leave you out.
Do you remove clothes promptly from the washer and dry them. If not, you may smell like mold.
How about talking/chewing with your mouth full and open?
Do you brush and floss at least twice daily?
Do you wear a cologne that smells good to you but maybe not to others?
Do you bathe daily, wear antiperspirant with deodorant and put on clean clothes?
Are you leaving muddy tracks behind you in their houses?
Do you wipe up spee drops and put the toilet seat down when you're done?
There are a million and one little things that I have witnessed that have caused ostracism. Yeah, some things are very little, puny! Good luck.
I just want to also add that I can relate to your feelings. I've tried to join groups and make numerous efforts at friendships, but often feel like I'm being rejected. I know that people are all pretty busy with their own lives, but some people are just down right rude about it. They also might be afraid that a person might want more of a time commitment etc than they are willing to give.
Anyways, there are times when I just feel like saying "screw it" I don't need to please anyone else, and I can just be happy doing the things I enjoy... but I do know that it gets pretty boring not sharing things in life with others. Guess the trick is to just choose who and when to share, without investing too much of you own self worth on what other people decide to do as far as if they include you or not as much as you would like them to.
It can take time to adjust to a new place and a lot depends on the city you're in. You might try leaving your comfort zone by doing something totally different to anything you've done before, yet something you genuinely find fun and interesting. Scuba diving, rock climbing, drama... I scrabbled and exercised my way through my personal drama when my marriage ended and made a few interesting friends along the way. if you workout on a treadmill for 20 minutes, you'll experience a noticeable lift in your mood. Extend that to 30 minutes and you'll be feeling much better about yourself and your life. Trust me, it works.
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