[ZCR]

I shifted to a hostel in another state altogether last year. Since then, I've been home around five times already and each time, I struggle to grasp how rapidly things change between me and my friends here.
I'm the sort of person who takes her time making friends but once I'm your bud, it's all neat.
At college, I was into academics and extra curriculars to the point that I barely stepped out of my room, except for meals and all. Add to it the fact that one roommate of mine(out of 2) is unreasonbly stupid and why and goes around painting me as tyranosaurus rex.
My peers' perception of me has thankfully changed over time (I'm glad) but we're still not 'friends' friends... we're acquaintances.
Back home, people stop talking all of a sudden, with the stupidest excuses or worse... none.
I got back in touch with a friend of mine, S after nearly a year: we stopped talking because she refused to listen to my side of things in a situation and I decided not to talk to her. Sent her one last message, turns out we're cool. S and I had been friends for something like 8-9 yrs till we stopped talking and it really hurt.
She's back on Facebook, new friends and all... And I find myself cringing when I see her hanging out with other people who hadn't meant much to her when we were friends.

And for a finishing stroke, the guy I'm dating: things are too unpredictable.
We started talking, hit it off and are now dating, but in his words, it's 'no clauses'. While he even apologised once if he had let me down, I don't know.
We've both been through our share of rocky relationships and I fell, we're injecting more 'emotional aloofness/detachment' into this than is needed.
I'm at home, and he's in the state where my college is (!) so we aren't able to talk much. A missed call once a week or two, or im's.that's all.
I'm lonely and confused.

I'm a very active person and I keep myself busy: writers' soc, robotics soc, litsoc, speaking events, organising stuff, blogging and lots.
I feel void, and I crave intimacy.
What do I do?

[smoothy]

i shifted to a hostel in another state altogether last year. Since then, i've been home around five times already and each time, i struggle to grasp how rapidly things change between me and my friends here.
I'm the sort of person who takes her time making friends but once i'm your bud, it's all neat.
at college, i was into academics and extra curriculars to the point that i barely stepped out of my room, except for meals and all. Add to it the fact that one roommate of mine(out of 2) is unreasonbly stupid and y and goes around painting me as tyranosaurus rex.
my peers' perception of me has thankfully changed over time (i'm glad) but we're still not 'friends' friends... we're acquaintances.
Back home, people stop talking all of a sudden, with the stupidest excuses or worse... none.
I got back in touch with a friend of mine, S after nearly a year: we stopped talking because she refused to listen to my side of things in a situation and i decided not to talk to her. Sent her one last message, turns out we're cool. S and i had been friends for something like 8-9 yrs till we stopped talking and it really hurt.
She's back on Facebook, new friends and all... And i find myself cringing when i see her hanging out with other people who hadn't meant much to her when we were friends.

And for a finishing stroke, the guy i'm dating: things are too unpredictable.
We started talking, hit it off and are now dating, but in his words, it's 'no clauses'. while he even apologised once if he had let me down, i don't know.
We've both been through our share of rocky relationships and i fell, we're injecting more 'emotional aloofness/detachment' into this than is needed.
I'm at home, and he's in the state where my college is (!) so we aren't able to talk much. a missed call once a week or two, or im's.that's all.
i'm lonely and confused.

I'm a very active person and i keep myself busy: writers' soc, robotics soc, litsoc, speaking events, organising stuff, blogging and lots.
I feel void, and i crave intimacy.
What do i do?

You suck it up... you see change because there is change... even with yourself. There is vast change at your age... heck... I haven't seen evena couple of my college friends for the last 25 years... and even then its because I worked and lived with them after college for the first 7 years after I graduated from it.

They have moved on with their lives just as you have... and you are seeing maybe for the first time... the world doesn't revolve around you. Others have their lives and things that are important to them... and they only have time for the people and things that are major parts of their lives... something you no longer are since you moved away.

[joypulv]

'we stopped talking because she refused to listen to my side of things in a situation and i decided not to talk to her'

I wonder if this might provide an inkling of why you are being abandoned? Why does anyone have to listen to anything? If someone tells me they don't want to hear about it or they don't agree with me, I shut up or move on to another topic. Even best of friends get to refuse whatever they want to refuse, whether it's listening, agreeing, helping you move, telling you they like your cooking, or loved your favorite movie. Friendship, intimacy, families - they are all about give and take, compromise, accepting some things and not others, but basically understanding that the whole package isn't going to be to your liking 24/7. And when you say that this current boyfriend hasn't ever apologized for letting you down that to me fits into the first part about Right of Refusal - the only time someone lets someone else down is when they promise to be there on x day at x time and don't show. 99% of the time, people let themselves down based on some expectation that is based on their own perception of what is 'owed' them.
I hope I don't sound critical rather than critiquing. I'm trying to find out what might be causing all this.

[ZCR]

smoothy, I feel mute sometimes because I'd really like to have someone around to talk to, you know? Not the awkward 'oh-we-used-to-be-friends-once-we-don't-know-what-to-talk-about-lol' conversations.
Acceptance isn't such an easy thing, yes.
Maybe a couple of years down the line, I'm going to look at this question and go whoa.
I try dealing with all these changes, the best I can.
What according to you would be the thing to do?

[ZCR]

joypulv, S did not want to talk to me anymore, so I respected her decision.
Boyfriend apologised on his own, out of the blue when we were talking once.
I really appreciate your answers. :)

[smoothy]

smoothy, i feel mute sometimes because I'd really like to have someone around to talk to, you know? not the awkward 'oh-we-used-to-be-friends-once-we-don't-know-what-to-talk-about-lol' conversations.
acceptance isn't such an easy thing, yes.
maybe a couple of years down the line, I'm gonna look at this question and go whoa.
i try dealing with all these changes, the best i can.
what according to you would be the thing to do?

You make new Friends knowing they won't always be there... becuase there will be a lot more of that until you buy a house and settle down (not renting a place) and depending on where you move to, even where I live... on my street... where houses are in the half million dollar range... I've seen most of the houses change owners three times in the last 15 years. Nope NONE were forclosed on. Except one 14 years ago.

I've lived in three states, and two countries since I got out of college. What you learn to do is see what you have available... and deal with what you have. A lot of it is perspective...

To you 15 years is close to all the time you can remember... it seems like forever... BUT as you get older you will see its just a tick on a watch... so the older you get... things like this aren't going to be as disturbing.

DO I have any magic that lets you wake up tomorrow like it never happened? No... but this is one of those things most if not all of us learned to deal with. The best advice I can offer... is look at the big picture... don't hyper focus on the things of little importance.

College friends are of little importance.. after you graduate everyone goes their own way to get jobs and new lives... and that will take up most of their efforts for years to come as they struggle to make their way in life.


Not meaning to bust your balls so to speak... but your real education doesn't start until you leave college... You may feel like you know everything you will need to know now... or when you graduate... but your first day on the job.. you are going to be confronted with how nothing you had in college will be exactly what you need in your new job... you will feel like your first day in college... IF you are lucky... odds are you will feel completely bewildered.

Trust me... if you think its bad... imagine going to a new country where you know no one... your new coworkers are all new to you as is your boss... you don't speak the local language at all... and your new boss is an arse of epic porportions... and you have a contract to be there 5 years. And you find out in the coming months... nobody , but nobody is going to help you... unless you do it yourself.

I've done that... and believe me... anything is laughable easy once you've gone through that.

It changes how you view everything in life.

Smoothy's rules of life...

#1. Rely on nobody... take charge and do it yourself... or learn how to do it yourself. ( I taught myself a new language in a year so I could).

#2. Don't spend time blaming others... its your life... you are responsible for it. Nobody will hand you everything... you have to take charge and do it yourself.

#3. Be nice to others... you never know who can teach you things or give you advice in a pinch... after all... the clicks and childish groups are children's games... you are an adult now. You don't HAVE to like everyone... but you DO need to be nice to them. Again because you never know who will be the one that can help you when you need it the most. And its usually the person you least expect... and the "friends" will be the first ones to have excuses to NOT help.

#4. You are always going to find people that are incorrigible arseholes... smile and steer a wide path around them... lifes to short to be wasting it fighting small minded people.

[ZCR]

You make new Friends knowing they won't always be there....becuase there will be a lot more of that until you buy a house and settle down (not renting a place) and depending on where you move to, even where I live...on my street....where houses are in the half million dollar range...I've seen most of the houses change owners three times in the last 15 years. Nope NONE were forclosed on. Except one 14 years ago.

I've lived in three states, and two countries since I got out of college. What you learn to do is see what you have availible...and deal with what you have. A lot of it is perspective...

To you 15 years is close to all the time you can remember....it seems like forever....BUT as you get older you will see its just a tick on a watch...so the older you get...things like this aren't going to be as disturbing.

DO I have any magic that lets you wake up tomorrow like it never happened? No....but this is one of those things most if not all of us learned to deal with. The best advice I can offer...is look at the big picture...don't hyper focus on the things of little importance.

College friends are of little importance..after you graduate everyone goes their own way to get jobs and new lives...and that will take up most of their efforts for years to come as they struggle to make their way in life.


Not meaning to bust your balls so to speak...but your real education doesn't start until you leave college.... You may feel like you know everything you will need to know now...or when you graduate....but your first day on the job..you are going to be confronted with how nothing you had in college will be exactly what you need in your new job....you will feel like your first day in college....IF you are lucky....odds are you will feel completely bewildered.

Trust me......if you think its bad....imagine going to a new country where you know noone...your new coworkers are all new to you as is your boss...you don't speak the local language at all....and your new boss is an arse of epic porportions...and you have a contract to be there 5 years. And you find out in the coming months...nobody , but nobody is going to help you.....unless you do it yourself.

I've done that....and believe me...anything is laughable easy once you've gone through that.

It changes how you view everything in life.

Smoothy's rules of life.....

#1. Rely on nobody...take charge and do it yourself...or learn how to do it yourself. ( I taught myself a new language in a year so I could).

#2. Don't spend time blaming others....its your life...you are responsible for it. Nobody will hand you everything...you have to take charge and do it yourself.

#3. Be nice to others....you never know who can teach you things or give you advice in a pinch....after all....the clicks and childish groups are children's games...you are an adult now. You don't HAVE to like everyone...but you DO need to be nice to them. Again because you never know who will be the one that can help you when you need it the most. And its usually the person you least expect...and the "friends" will be the first ones to have excuses to NOT help.

#4. You are always going to find people that are incorrigible arseholes....smile and steer a wide path around them.....lifes to short to be wasting it fighting small minded people.

Much of the mist in my head's whooshed away.
Still working on Smoothy rule#4... A big thank you and a hug!

[smoothy]

You are welcome... point to make to you... I wasn't always the way I am now... that experience where I was royally screwed by an employer that took advantage of me after they conned me into going overseas to work for them then refused to honor the terms I accepted the job under ticked me off enough I was determined to not only NOT let them get the best of me... but to play them for all they were worth as payback...

And I did that spendidly if I must say so.

What's the old saying... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me?

I could spend hours talking about the things I did, why and how... and that's speaking... but I'm a horrible slow typist.. and I don't want all those details public anyway.

Those were all lessons I learned attending the School of Hard Knocks... I was once shy... and a bit gullible, but actually it was naïve... not to mention the trait that helped me pull that all off... I had a major temper and had a chip on my shoulder for people that tried to take advantage of me or push me around.

Its not going to be easy... but it is one way to turn something that's a negative into a positive. And it worked for me..

And Item #4. That's always going to be something you have to actively work on... probibly for life. I've only half mastered that. Still need to make a conscience effort at times to not let those types get to me.

[CFZD]

How old are you?

[ZCR]

how old are you?

... 18.