[mscohens]

My husband and I have been married for 5 months and have been dating for a year. We have known each other for approximatly 5 years. He is always looking at thicker females. I am a petite female. I was always left or cheated on by my ex's with thicker women and I am extremely insecure about myself. I always tell my husband that he wants a bigger women and it is killing our love and marriage. My husband tells me if that is what he wanted he would have married a thicker women. Unfortunately I don't believe him because that is what he looks at. Women with a big chest and a big butt. How do I get over my insecurities?

[JoeCanada76]

First of all your insecurities is and what could ruin the marriage. Not him looking at thicker women.
You need to realize that just because men look at other women does not mean they want to be with other women. Also just because men may look at other women does not mean he will cheat either.
He married YOU. He is right, when he says if he wanted to be with somebody else he would not be with you.
You two have known each other for five years. You both married each other.

Now to get to the reason why you are feeling this way. It is obvious to me that you have a history of people who have cheated on you, please get past this. Just because it has happened before does not mean that it will happen again.

If you can not get past these experiences you need to seek out counseling for yourself. To work on the issues that you have and to get past them so you can just enjoy every moment with your husband instead of ruining every moment by worrying about things that might not ever happen.

[mudweiser]

My husband tells me if that is what he wanted he would of married a thicker women. Unfortunately I don't believe him because that is what he looks at. Women with a big chest and a big butt. How do I get over my insecurities?

He's told you. Straightforward too.

As for him looking- what's wrong with that? He's not touching. I'm sure you've had your little oogle every now and then.

The best thing to do when it comes to your body is to keep fit. Eat right. Exercise. You know the drill.

Do it for yourself.

Sarah

[talaniman]

Stop basing what he is looking at on what your feeling. Chances are he looks at all the ladies, not just the thick ones to use your words.

Don't let your feelings, become actions and words, in other words think long, and hard before you speak or act as you work to better control yourself and get to where you can enjoy your husband for what he is, YOURS.

Insecurity is based in fear, and low self esteem, so please do things for yourself, without your husband, that brings you confidence, and happiness.

[Gemini54]

I'd suggest you get some counselling.

You don't believe your husband, you just want to believe what the jealous, insecure voice in your head says.

That voice will kill your marriage.

Get some help so that you can understand what is creating your fear and deal with it.

[I wish]

It's possible that he is looking AT thicker women (not FOR thicker women), but he doesn't even have to say it to you: HE DID MARRY YOU. Actions speak louder than words.

Your insecurities is definitely a bigger problem than his wandering eyes. If you really think that he's more attracted to thicker woman, but chose you instead, doesn't that mean that he's with you for your personality more than your looks? Shouldn't you be grateful for that? However, I'm sure he's still attracted to you physically, it's rare to find a man who isn't attracted physically to their wife.

It sounds more ilike you are insecure about your own body. Why don't you make sure that you eat well, exercice and stay healthy. That's more important to you than to him. You should be doing that for yourself.

[ZoeMarie]

Maybe you could get a sumo suit to wear around the house. I'm only playing, but the others are right. You should get out and do things that make you feel good about yourself. Try not to worry about things that might not ever even happen. All guys look at other women, at least all the guys I've even been with. You just have to remember who he's going home with at the end of the day. Counseling might not be a bad idea if you're up for it. It helps to have someone to talk to you =) good luck! It sounds like you'll get things worked out

[strictlysolo]

I agree with the fact that you need help... But not with all the others acting like it's all YOUR problem. Here's why.. Unless your husband didn't pay attention to a thing about you during the 5 years you knew each other, he should know what you've been through in past relationships. He should also know, that when he looks at other women, it makes you uncomfortable.
Every man's excuse for checking out other women in front of their partner, is "I'm a guy." Oh OK, you're a guy so you have the right. I don't know about most men, but I know many who would have a little bit of a problem with their wives/girlfriends checking out other men in front of them...
Anyway, I think that your insecurities are unfortunate and I truly understand how hard they are to deal with. Some people are a little uncomfortable with the size of their legs.. But some people can't stop thinking about their flaws.
So, help is a good idea, from a counsellor or something, but.. Like everyone else has said, your husband married YOU. A part of you, are your insecurities. If he can't control obviously looking at other women when he's out with you, knowing the way you feel about it, he has an issue too.

[theskerne]

I agree with the fact that you need help... But not with all the others acting like it's all YOUR problem. Here's why.. Unless your husband didn't pay attention to a thing about you during the 5 years you knew each other, he should know what you've been through in past relationships. He should also know, that when he looks at other women, it makes you uncomfortable.
Every man's excuse for checking out other women in front of their partner, is "I'm a guy." Oh ok, you're a guy so you have the right. I don't know about most men, but I know many who would have a little bit of a problem with their wives/girlfriends checking out other men in front of them...
Anyway, I think that your insecurities are unfortunate and I truly understand how hard they are to deal with. Some people are a little uncomfortable with the size of their legs.. But some people can't stop thinking about their flaws.
So, help is a good idea, from a counsellor or something, but.. Like everyone else has said, your husband married YOU. A part of you, are your insecurities. If he can't control obviously looking at other women when he's out with you, knowing the way you feel about it, he has an issue too.

I totally agree with you it always seem like we as women have the problem and it is OK that men have excuses because they are men. If a man knows his partner has a problem then he should be helping not hindering

[Jake2008]

Speaking for myself, for what it's worth, I look, admire, sometimes drool, and smile when I see a good looking, confident man. Nature did not take away the instinct to see other people, or to see something attractive in other people. I have eyes in my head, not all people look the same to me, sometimes some of them stand out for whatever reason, I look, admire, and keep driving.

My husband does the same thing. A good looking fit woman in a bikini at the beach- I should expect him not to look?

I don't see this as a man thing at all. Women look, men look, what's the big deal.

God help me if I can't enjoy looking at a man, or have an insecure jealous mate that gets bent about it.

The issue here I think is insecurity, plain and simple. To be finding fault with the husband, because he simply looks, or finds attractive, certain body types, is unfair.

Why make him feel guilty about doing something that is perfectly natural?

[Cat1864]

Since the op hasn't been back since she first posted in June 2009, I hope she is working on her insecurities and her new marriage.

Maybe she will be back, maybe not, but if she does come back it will probably be with updated information that will generate a need for new advice.

[Amorez]

Men do tend to look at other women, and many women look at other men, but I think there is something deeper than this that people are not addressing... which is the superficiality of society and this dates back to thousands of years ago. In other words, people are over-affected about what they see on the surface, and to be honest, most of their ideas are influenced by social conditioning, like 'what is considered beautiful,' media, other friends, porn etc... Some may see me as idealistic, however, I seriously do not look at other men... and it is not for any moral reasons. Of course I can see when someone is good-looking, however I simply don't feel interested... and why? Because I am attracted to a person with inner depth, profoundness of character, with a greater and wiser perspective of life... My boyfriend is one of such people and I know that there are very few people like this around. Since admirable inner qualities are much more important in my view, I don't feel the desire to 'check out' an attractive man. Everyone thinks it is normal that people should check others out, perhaps because life can be so routine, and also because everyone seems to be doing it, but I do not agree. It is not normal and it hurts everyone, both men and women... because we all want to be loved for who we are no matter what... If the world we grew up in equated beauty with being loving, being full of life, having a great spirit, I think even the men that we believe to be biologically programmed would be different... we are so stuck in a maze that we don't see any other possibility that 'it is normal to look at others.' To get over insecurities is something hard to do and yet so simple. The only way to do it is to love yourself. If you look back in your past, you will realise you always felt insecure... perhaps with your own parents, teachers and friends... and then you start to believe that you are jealous in your love relationship. The root cause of feeling un-loved and not appreciated for just being you must be addressed and can only be addressed by YOU... And I don't mean looking at yourself in the mirror and saying that you are beautiful and pretending to be more confident etc... I mean by simply realising that EVERYONE is under false pressures to look like a model or porn star, to be muscular, to be the best at work, to be liked by everyone, to be a good provider, to be perfect etc... the first step is to realise that this is all untrue and false... and if you can do that, you realise the concept of you not being good enough is an utter waste of time, and EVERYONE is under this pressure, than you can slowly begin the process of changing thought patterns... Even if your man looks at another woman, you will realize its because he still needs to grow spiritually and emotionally, and that you yourself are free from this small minded and very limited way of seeing yourself