[appleDmom]

I have a 2 year old son. His father and I also went through a very tumultuous relationship involving physical and emotional abuse. We haven't been "together" for almost 5 years, but were off and on (and that is how we ended up with our son). Anyway, I knew/suspected that he was engaged in illegal activity (selling drugs) when I was with him, and I don't know why I just turned a blind eye, other than that I rationalized that as long as I wasn't involved and didn't know anything I was safe.. He abused me physically on many occasions including a rape, and yet I never did anything about it! (I wish someone could tell me why and what was wrong with my head!) Anyway, he was also a cheater, but he seemed to never go away and when he would come back to me I was weak and thought that I wanted to be a family... He would spend time with me and our son a lot, all the while telling me there was no one else.. bla bla - I can't tell you how many times I believed him, only to find out he had some girl living at his house, or out with this girl or that. It never seemed to sink in.
The point of this email is that in November of this year, he was arrested and detained by us marshalls for possession of 2 lbs of meth. When he was first arrested, he called me to get his car titles and house information to a bondsman. Like an idiot, I did. The second time he was arrested, I did not help him and everyone thought there was no way he would be getting out. Well, guess what? Turns out he had a girlfriend the whole time to help him get out again! He was still in jail when I found out about the new girlfriend, and I think it all just sank in, the reality of what he is - a drug dealer and a liar.
Well, after realizing that he wanted to resume visiting my son, like nothing had ever happened, I went and got a temporary court order for supervised visitation. He is now pressing to get that lifted saying that I knew all about how serious his charges were, and that I am in need of, or on medication for Bipolar Disorder - a flat out lie! I have never been treated or diagnosed for anything other than depression. I went to counseling for a while, and all the counselor told me is that what I was experiencing was effects of the abuse I was experiencing from him. She went so far as to say she suspected him to be a narcissist, perhaps pathological.
Do you think I will be able to keep my supervised visits? I just need to hang on to them until he gets shipped off to prison which I think is almost a guarantee since he has served prison time before for the same thing. The newspaper said he was looking at 16-48 years.

All of this has me feeling worried and analyzing every single thing I have ever done that can be used to discredit me. I am not a criminal in any way. I haven't used drugs since I was in my early twenties, and I am a full time college student working 35 hours a week and caring for my son. The only thing that I know he will use against me is times I acted irrationally when involved with him. I do have documented cases of domestic abuse that he was arrested for = but again, like an idiot I never pressed the charges and he was able to get away with it. I can't explain why I let him treat me the way he did with no consequence, but for my safety and for my son's I need him to be out of our life.

Ever since the court order has been in place, it has been so peaceful and even my son's behavior has improved. (He used to be so defiant when he came home from dad's house).
I am sorry this is so long, and this is just the tip of what I am going through. I am so worried that this will all backfire on me and that he will make me look like some crazy woman. I am ashamed that I waited so long to do what is right for my son.
Thanks for reading this, I hope to hear from you.

[oneguyinohio]

If you have a lawyer, perhaps they can keep the case delayed as far as a decision about the supervised visitation long enough that it will become a mute point if his sentence time begins before he gets a hearing on lifting the supervised visitation.

They can also argue that he is only making false accusations against you... with no evidence to support his claims... and with the pending legal problems he has right now, it would seem that the court would consider that as well when deciding about removing the supervised visit status... Has he been convicted? Any time frame on when that trial might begin? OR when the sentence might start?

[appleDmom]

I don't have much information on his pending trial. Because it is the 3rd, possibly 4th arrest for drugs he will definitely get time - I just don't know how much. I know that he plans to drag it out as long as possible. I do have a lawyer and he tells me not to worry, but I just get the feeling this will get so ugly.
He has an extensive criminal record, which include 4 domestics (2 on me, one on a prior girlfriend, and one on the girlfriend he had right after me). He has at least 2 other drug convictions, but they are from the 90's.

[mariposa11]

I think all of your heartache and worry is another way of him manipulating you. Please don't allow that to happen again, or any longer. You are an independent, strong, loving mother. You have more reason than ever before to fight back. Sometimes fighting back does not mean getting tangled up in someone else's dilemmas or accusations, but rather, living happily in spite of them. There is no need to hire an attorney unless you are served with papers. His threats are just that and they are meant to scare you and intimidate you into submission. Be proud, be strong, and know that you are capable of taking him on AND coming out on top. Have faith in yourself. A man like this slowly takes yourself esteem and self worth away, but only YOU have the power to regain those things and stop him dead in his tracks.

[appleDmom]

Thank you so much for saying those things. It is all so true, and I have only begun rebuilding what I lost of myself in that relationship. And I think you are right that he knows how to break me down, because he has done it so well for so long. This is the first time I have ever put my foot down and actually braved the storm to do what is right for myself and my son. He has always won every battle with me, and this one is one I am not willing to lose. It is so hard to seek out help with this type of thing because I feel so weighted down by the shame of letting it all happen.

[mariposa11]

There is no shame on your part. I know you feel it, but you don't deserve to, and you shouldn't. This is your ex's shame. Treating someone miserably is usually a reflection of oneself. He probably feels even more worthless than he ever succeeded in making you feel. When you can't rise to someone else's level, you try to bring them down to your own. I really feel that with is criminal history, you will have no trouble holding on to your son. Bonus, if he is locked up for as long as you believe he may be, you can file to terminate his parental rights based on the fact he will not be around to form a relationship with your child, and if he could, may lead your child into a life of crime.

I understand life under the oppressive thumb of someone else, and it is a tragedy to lose yourself that way. But you are already on the other side... you see it and recognize it. Now you have the opportunity to reclaim control over your own life, make wiser decisions, and stand up for yourself and your child. God bless you and protect you.

[appleDmom]

That is exactly what I fear, his influence on my son. If there is one thing I know, I can and will provide every avenue necessary to keep him on the right track.
Thank you for your response, and kindness. Have a blessed Easter.

[mariposa11]

Just remember, no one can hold back a flood. Be a flood of strength and persistence. Every mother has that resource within her.

[appleDmom]

Thanks again for your encouragement. I have the first court appearance later this week, I am doing as you say, just perservering and being as strong as possible.

[mariposa11]

I know first hand how hard it can be to deal with someone who is smooth with words and impressive to outsiders, but takes no hesitation when attacking a person seen as a threat. I have fought every day for 8 years to keep peace and order for my child, despite my child's father's attempts to come between us, disrupt our lives, and even use our child and hurt our child in order to hurt or punish me. (Ahhh, yes, you see I was never to grow a backbone and stand up to him... )