[ilovcali]

So, it is an odd circumstance perhaps, but my friend got dumped by his girlfriend of 1.5 years about 3 months ago. She proceeded to sleep with someone new the NEXT DAY! And then she went onto another guy, and then another. Now she has just starting to contact him again. She says she misses him, and she realizes she was wrong. And the thing is, my friend is already starting to be at her beck and call again. Sadder still is that he has other girls he can hang out with. But he doesn't!

I've been telling him repeatedly that you have to date someone else IF you decide to go back to your ex. How can you even know if someone out there is better for you than your ex if you don't even try? She's already done that, maybe she realizes she was wrong now. But how do you know if she is right for you if you don't even give someone else a chance? Also, his ex is literally crazy. And he did everything for her, and she just up and split. She didn't really treat him that well while they were together either. Clear as day to see if you're not him.

Anyway, the old habits are coming back. He has started hanging out with her. He returns her calls all the time, replies to every email. She called last night and he said that was the highlight of his night? He loved the fact that she called, it made his evening! Then he replied to an email of hers at midnight, rather than just wait! And to top it off, he is actually JUSTIFYING everything she did. That it's only because she was younger than him, and she was just being silly.

What the hell? I don't know if he's making a mistake, but it sure seems like it. But maybe she has changed, thing is, I don't think he has. He's started to convince himself that everything she did was OK??

For a third party, it is very clear to see that my friend is much better than his ex, i.e.. He can do way better if he just wants to. But he isn't even trying. And the worse thing is, he was doing fine without the ex. A little sad, but fine.

Now he's let her creep back in. Perhaps under my own circumstances, I'm jaded, but something seems amiss here. I've told him I think he's making a mistake. Told him I think he's falling into the old routine again. But I don't think there's much else I can do. Is there?

[Skell]

You can just try and pass onto him all the things you have learnt here. There is no point us going over them as you already know yourself.
She was abviously cheating on him is she had a guy the next day.
Make that clear to him. She is a cheater and will probably cheat again.
But if this guy is silly enough to not learn from his previous mistakes or listen to good advice froma friend then it is probably going to take him being hurt over and over to actually learn.
In which case you will just have to be there as a friend and say I told you so. That is all you can really do.
It doesn't sound as though he will listen. His mind is made up and he will justify his and hers actions and decisions. If he is doing this then it is almost impossible for you to change his thinking. He won't listen!
Anyway, just try and advise as best you can without ruining your friendship but don't get caught up in it and let it run you down at the same time.

[talaniman]

Skell is right. They can't see what you can and until they wise up and want to change they are heading for a big fall. Just don't let them drag you down with them. When they are ready for help you will be able to give it.

[maria26]

It almost sounds too me like you have feelings for your friend. Do you?
I know we all want to help our friends, but all we can do really is at the most put in our two cents and back off... it is his life and his relationship not yours. Don't medle into other peoples lifes... just because he is your friend does not give you the say so to tell him who he should and should not see. Even if this girl does not deserve him and he can do better, it is still his business on what he should be doing. From reading your story all I read was a female who seems to have feelings for someone who's heart belongs to another, but I could be wrong. Let it go, and stay out of his affairs.

[tirednhurt86]

It is so frustrating sometimes to see someone you care about, like a good friend, go through something that you know is not good for them. I know from my own experience that when you are in that broken state, broken relationship etc... that you are jaded and you do not see it like everyone else can. Just be there for your friend. Offer him your opinion and advice but realize he might not listen to you and try not to be offended if he doesn't. But like everyone has said before me, don't let it bring you down as well. Hopefully he will realize sooner rather than later so he doesn't get hurt, but if he does just be by his side and help him through it... goodluck with everything and just know that you are a great friend for caring so much.

[YeloDasy]

I agree... I don't think he will listen, and good friends are there through thick and thin... if it were you, what would you want? Yeah you want your friends to tell you the truth, and you have... but also not to be judged by the decsions made... cause he will need you again when it goes bad...

[ilovcali]

I haven't judged him. I've already told him that I honestly don't know what I would do in his shoes. I might feel the same. But he does ask me for my advice, and I have told him, that I know you will do what you want to do, so there is really not much else for me to say. But he says he'd still like to hear what I have to say. So I tell him.

He is a very good person. In many ways, much better than myself. He actually is a "nice guy". And to me it is seems very evident that his ex is using him again. But like I said, I know he will do what he will do, and I have told him as much.

As far as good friends go, in my opinion, a "good" friend, does not support EVERY decision you make. That is not what someone who cares about you does. That does not mean you do not stand by your friend regardless, but you do not say something is OK, when it is most likely not the case.

Maria26, yes, based on what I posted, I MUST have some weird sexual attraction to my friend! Um, yeah. But since that is the case, I guess I have to ask, are you actually reading what I write?

[YeloDasy]

OK, sorry... I would expand, but doesn't sound like you want to hear... good luck.

[ilovcali]

No, please expand. I don't have all the answers, sorry if I seemed like I claim too. Expand. Aside from accpet his decision regardless, is there anything I can do to improve the situation?

[YeloDasy]

I said pretty much the same thing, just different words...

I think that you have told him your opinion, and given him your advice. You are being a good friend, and others have said to just be there for him... and I was just saying that good friend do that. I am not saying you have agree with everything, but you know you will be there for him, no matter what... and that is what a good friend does... like you! Sometimes when I was not making the best decisions, looking back, I wanted to make sure my friends didn't judge me... and I am NOT saying that you are!! But share your thuoghts and things that we have said on this site, for his benefit... but when we get frustrated with our friends it can come across negatively, and I was just saying that you don't want him to feel that way... especially if he still wants your advice and opinions... he will listen to you one day...

Also, since everyone has said that he has to make his own decisions, and we know on the outside what it looks like and it is hard to convince someone of that on the inside... I have read some of your other posts... do you think that you are sensitive to these relationship issues cause of your recent hurt and relationship struggles? You may more sensitive right now. You feel the hurt he should be feeling... I was just saying that because I am doing that right now with my roommate and I feel very protective of her... mostly because of my own feelings that I am working through and when I see her getting hurt, I want to protect her. But she too, is going to do the same thing. And when she felt stupid (not about anything I said, but about her own decision) she didn't want to tell me about it, but when she realized I didn't judge her, she kept talking it out with me... so that is where that came from...
Hope this makes sense and helps... sometimes I know what I am trying to say, but typing it out is hard for mE!

[YeloDasy]

I was just thinking... maybe setting up some boundaries with your friend... he knows how you feel about the situation... so set up those boundaries... not allowing her to do certain things with you two when it should be your time... not allowing him to bring her into your life when it makes you uncomfortable... that might give him the impression that you are serious about how you feel... but you have to accept that she will be in his life right now as well...

I was dating a guy that had hurt me ( a long time ago) and I was hanging out with a friend, and when I asked them if he could meet us out, they said they would rather him not be there, because he did not like the way he had treated me... and he was not invited. That made me really understand that my judgement might have been off... and that someone who really cares about me is showing me how I should be caring for myself...

I think your sitiation is a ltitle different, she slept with those guys when they were broken up... he is just choosing to ignore some of her personality traits... but you can still set up some boundaries so you are comfortable. Just not to the point where your friendship is effected... a judgement of her, but not of him... what do you think about that?

[chuff]

I hate to say this but I think the only way this friend may learn is by getting his heart broke again. It's a hard lesson to learn, and a hard way to learn it but it is obvious she is going to use him. If he doesn't want to take your advice then he's just going to suffer the same pain as before. Maybe then he will be able to look back and learn.

[ilovcali]

I'm sorry guys. Maybe I wasn't clear. I told my roommate, i.e. the friend in question that I will be there for him regardless of his decision. I actually have told him many times, that if you think this makes you happy, you have do it.

From the jist of the replies, I get the impression, that I am being an unsupportive friend. I really hope that is not the case. I do not think any less of my friend either way. I am just blunt. I didn't realize being blunt was wrong amongst good friends.

I've always viewed close friends as family, and I've always been blunt. And I do have many close friends, scattered across the country. It seems they always respected my bluntness, though it may not have been what they wanted to hear. I nevered ditched any of them for any mistakes. Same with them, they never ditched me for any of mine. I always thought that was the definition of a good friend.

All of you have given very sounds opinions. I agree with most of what has been said. And I'm not so naïve to believe you can tell anyone what is right or wrong, people learn for themselves.

I just hope my friend is happy at the end of the day, regardless of what he does. That is the best scenario for everyone.

[kp2171]

If your friendship is as strong and close as you say, you can tactfully tell him what you think about how she's treated him, you don't have to be mean-spirited... but the price you'll pay is perhaps some distance in the friendship. Just reassure him you are there.

Whether he can do "better" or not is not your call. We've seen cases here where people have posted their frustration about a parent who didn't agree with the person they were dating. Same thing here. You might think he can do better. His choice to make.

My daughter dated a J E R K for a year. Nobody in the family or immediate circle of friends liked him, because of the way he treated her. It took her a long time and lots of frustration for her to figure it out. Now, she listens to her friends and family a little more... not that she wouldn't again date someone we didn't like... but she knows we all just want what's best for her, so at least she's more open.

But she had to get there on her own. He's hell bent to be with her. Hopefully it's a happy ending... you never know. But you really cannot save him. Just be honest as best you can while respecting his choices within reason.

[YeloDasy]

I have not heard anyone saying that you are not being supportive... I said that you were being a good friend in my post! That is just the advice given, and if you are doing that, then great!

[momincali]

This is how I see it. Unless your friend is 12 years old, he knows exactly what he's doing, it just feels good to him to do it this way. You, I, and everyone else here on this site can see he is making a big mistake, he's not blind or numb, he can see it too, he just chooses to continue.

It's honorable that you are so concerned for him but no one will really be able to say the magic words that will make him change his actions. He is not in the dark, he is not handcuffed to this girl and I'm pretty sure no one is pointing a gun to his head. This is his choice. Why? Could be many reasons that you and I don't quite know about or understand. Some people will stay with or go back to someone hurtful and untrustworthy because they feel that it's better than being alone. That person may continually do them wrong, but at least they are there and they know what to expect, nothing new will have to be dealt with, they can count on them to be who they are, and maybe, they don't like the idea of having to deal with themselves. Some people see these girlfriends/boyrfriends as a sort of distraction from their own lives, as long as they can focus on how bad the other person is, they don't need to take a look at their inner self. There are 2 types of people basically, those who stay regardless of the situation because they are afraid of the unknown and those who walk, permanently. It's the people who have the courage to walk away for good and spend time alone working on themselves that learn and prosper.

I hope for your friend's sake he is in the latter category. I'd wish you luck, but luck has nothing to do with it!

[Wildcat21]

What Cali describes here are HUGE mistakes by his friend... HUGE.

Cali - you got to help this guy. She'll dump him again soon.

All those actions are so desperate and needy - yuck.

She also sounds like bad news... he has to be crazy to trust her. BUT, he does al lthis crap because he doesn't trust her.

[Skell]

I think cali that you have been a great friend so far and there probably isn't much else you can do. Other then continuing to let him know your thoughts when asked just let him make his mistakes and be there for him when it crashes and burns.
I think we all agree you are being a good friend. So just continue down that path and all will be right as far from your end goes.
Don't let this worry you too much. You have your own worries to take care of!

[maria26]

OK I am sorry I confused you for a female... mis understood. But I am still under the opinion that it does not matter how close of a friend you are, sometimes it is not a friends place to but in. Sometimes people need to go through experiances themselves to understand what others are saying. But good luck to you and again what I post is simply an opinion, you don't have to take it.

[Skell]

In this situation however maria his friend is asking his opinion. Therefore he simply has to be honest with his answers. Other than that if the friend doesn't want to listen then he can't do anything more than let his friend make the mistake. Then once the friend is hurt again he can be there for him.
I doubt he will convince the friend though that he is making a mistake!