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    I'm 18 and I want to move in with my boyfriend

    Asked Jul 24, 2012, 12:12 AM 12 Answers
    I'm 18 years old and I have a serious dilemma...

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and my parents hate him. He's older than me and we started a relationship when I was 17... We kept it a secret from my parents because I knew they would object. After 3 months of talking and seeing each other I told my parents about him. They basically hate him... They look down on him for courting me without their permission when I was underage. He lives at home with his family, he's Mexican and is tattooed, which makes it even worse for my parents. They see him as "their worst nightmare" and "an embarrassment to this well to do middle class family"...

    My boyfriend has a job and lives at his mother's because he's remodeling his house, which he lived in on his own for a few years. I also find it hypocritical that my parents are acting like they hold it against him for being Mexican. Especially since my mother is Puerto Rican and my dad is white... I love my boyfriend, I know I'm young and I still have much to learn about life, but he is the only thing I have ever been sure about.

    My parents say "he's the one who will gain something out of this relationship, I will only lose", "he's controlling", or "he's limited and will only drag you down"

    It has been this way since I first told them about him... I know I've lied when I shouldn't and I snuck around behind their backs when I pretty much knew they wouldn't approve... I made the mistake of trying to "play grown-up" and try to have an adult relationship when I was only 17... I know now it doesn't work that way and I made all the wrong choices about how this relationship should have started. I just didn't want my parents to be involved with my love life. I'm a very private person and I have always had a hard time talking with my parents about things like this.

    My dad is bipolar and a recovering alcoholic, which is only a few among very many other problems he has, that I have had to grow up with...

    I know my parents love me and only want the best for me and for me to be happy in my life. No one in this world will love me as much as they do, but my boyfriend is what makes me happy. School is different. He has nothing to do with my college. I've chose to leave my family and him for school... Because I feel that if I want to be treated like an adult I should try living like one.

    However, I depend solely on my parents. My dad as screamed in my face and woken me up in the middle of the night, just to blame me for the problems he has in his relationship with his parents and my mother. He blames me for everything that goes wrong in this family. And only screams at me to "get the f*** out and live with him" if I "love him so much"... I just can't take the fighting and the constant tension in my house. I can't take doing this to my parents and to my boyfriend. I just want everyone to be happy. But I know it's probably never going to happen.

    The fact that my boyfriend is STILL with me tells me how much he cares about me. All of my friends have abandoned me, but not him. My choice to be with the one I love is tearing my family apart... I can't just break up with him like my parents want. That's like someone telling me to cut off the relationship between my mom, dad or little brother. It just hurts too much to think he will never be in my life... I just wish they would have a little faith in me. I know what they want and I'm trying to give it to them. They want me to be independent and happy.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I've been contemplating on moving in with him, but he tells me to just stay with my parents and "do the right thing". But I've tried, I just feel that they will fight to keep him away from me... I've cried and cried to my boyfriend about how bad it is here and he has never ONCE told me to run away with him, or given me any idea about how "I shouldn't take their **** because I'm 18 blah blah blah", unlike all of my other friends...

    He's my best friend. I can always count on him to tell me the truth about my behavior and give me good advice on how I should deal with my parents. He always there for me. I quit cutting and I quit doing drugs because of him. He gave me a reason to be a better person. I love this man, but my parents hate him...

    I need guidance, I need help before I make a mistake that I'll regret! What can I do??

    Last edited by Wondergirl; Jul 24, 2012 at 03:39 PM.
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    Tigershark5's Avatar
    Tigershark5 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Jul 24, 2012, 05:19 AM
    Hi there,
    Well... You are not alone... I am kind of in the same situation as you are... I am only a little older then you... 26.

    I knew how you feel, and it is really sucks... Feels like you have to choose from your parents and your boyfriend, which is the thing I never want to do... I simply just want to have my life as an adults, which I think I am already... And I love my parents so much and respect them, like you said, they are just want to protect me from getting hurt and simply want me to have a happy and lasting merriage... Me and my boyfriend been dating for almost 4 years, I've been lied about this to my parents, cried for this so many times... But things between us is a little different, we are apart from each other, he is in US, I am in Germany...
    I am really lost, I want to do the things as I wanted, but also do not want to hurt my parents, which are the people who care me and love me the most in the world...
    I need help too...
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    PandoraYuki's Avatar
    PandoraYuki Posts: 15, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Jul 24, 2012, 01:58 PM
    It sounds like he really cares about you in telling you to stay with your parents, and not make any rash decisions. I would make a pro and con chart to weigh the ups and downs. My fiance's parents did not want him to move with me but we are happy and they have gotten over it since the proposal. You should ask yourself if you want to marry this person because if its not forever its not worth making your parents mad.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,720, Reputation: 7217
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    #4

    Jul 24, 2012, 03:09 PM


    I am seeing what you have not told us with what you did.

    A "much older man" owns his home but has not lived in it for a few years. So my guess is 10 to 12 years older?

    You hide this from your parents so what do you think, any good parent would want to keep their 17 year old from someone who is a lot older

    Because he is a lot older, yes he will be most likely good at controlling you, but then you will not see it at this point.

    But you are 18, and I doubt telling you that this may not be a good relationship won't be listened, so yes go ahead, at 18 you can do what you want
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    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 35,025, Reputation: 5104
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    #5

    Jul 24, 2012, 03:22 PM
    How old is he?

    You are totally dependent on your parents for college tuition? You have no job?
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    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #6

    Jul 24, 2012, 04:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chelle18 View Post
    I need guidance, I need help before I make a mistake that I'll regret! What can I do????
    You're 18, do as you wish. If you make what you believe to be a mistake, then you will correct it and you will move on. You live and learn.
    Quote Originally Posted by chelle18 View Post
    I just want everyone to be happy. But I know it's probably never going to happen.
    Correct. You cannot please everyone nor should you try to. You should only do what's best for you, don't concern yourself with anyone else's feelings, including your parents. When you make yourself truly happy those around you will be happy, too.
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    chelle18's Avatar
    chelle18 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jul 24, 2012, 06:19 PM
    Yeah He's 8 years older than I am. I figured since my parents are 8 years apart than it shouldn't be a big deal, but my parents got together when my dad was in his mid 20s and my mom was in her early 30s. I went about it completely wrong, but I can't change the mistakes I have made. All I can do is try to make it better...
    I'm leaving for college in about a month and my dad has just told me "You can't have 2 men in your life. It's either us or him. I can't take the heartache it's causing me, but I can't stand the fact that you'll hate me for this. It's either him or us."
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    chelle18's Avatar
    chelle18 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jul 24, 2012, 06:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    How old is he?

    You are totally dependent on your parents for college tuition? You have no job?
    No I don't have a job. All I have is school.
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    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 35,025, Reputation: 5104
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    #9

    Jul 24, 2012, 07:04 PM
    So if you allow your father to pay tuition, you are choosing family over your boyfriend, correct?

    If you choose your boyfriend and move in with him, you no longer can afford college (for now), correct? You will have to get a job and save money and apply for college again on your own without parents' backing.
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    chelle18's Avatar
    chelle18 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jul 24, 2012, 07:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    So if you allow your father to pay tuition, you are choosing family over your boyfriend, correct?

    If you choose your boyfriend and move in with him, you no longer can afford college (for now), correct? You will have to get a job and save money and apply for college again on your own without parents' backing.
    Yeah basically. I am considering on doing what he tells me to do "and just go live with him", but when I told him that he simply said, "Sweetheart I don't want you to leave, but if you do you'll lose this opportunity. Just remember you could've had it all so much easier if you stayed. He can't give you the life you have now, he will never be able to do that for you." Those words made me stop and confused me and now I don't know what the right thing to do is.
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