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I'm 18 and I want to move in with my boyfriend
Asked Jul 24, 2012, 12:12 AM
I'm 18 years old and I have a serious dilemma...
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and my parents hate him. He's older than me and we started a relationship when I was 17... We kept it a secret from my parents because I knew they would object. After 3 months of talking and seeing each other I told my parents about him. They basically hate him... They look down on him for courting me without their permission when I was underage. He lives at home with his family, he's Mexican and is tattooed, which makes it even worse for my parents. They see him as "their worst nightmare" and "an embarrassment to this well to do middle class family"...
My boyfriend has a job and lives at his mother's because he's remodeling his house, which he lived in on his own for a few years. I also find it hypocritical that my parents are acting like they hold it against him for being Mexican. Especially since my mother is Puerto Rican and my dad is white... I love my boyfriend, I know I'm young and I still have much to learn about life, but he is the only thing I have ever been sure about.
My parents say "he's the one who will gain something out of this relationship, I will only lose", "he's controlling", or "he's limited and will only drag you down"
It has been this way since I first told them about him... I know I've lied when I shouldn't and I snuck around behind their backs when I pretty much knew they wouldn't approve... I made the mistake of trying to "play grown-up" and try to have an adult relationship when I was only 17... I know now it doesn't work that way and I made all the wrong choices about how this relationship should have started. I just didn't want my parents to be involved with my love life. I'm a very private person and I have always had a hard time talking with my parents about things like this.
My dad is bipolar and a recovering alcoholic, which is only a few among very many other problems he has, that I have had to grow up with...
I know my parents love me and only want the best for me and for me to be happy in my life. No one in this world will love me as much as they do, but my boyfriend is what makes me happy. School is different. He has nothing to do with my college. I've chose to leave my family and him for school... Because I feel that if I want to be treated like an adult I should try living like one.
However, I depend solely on my parents. My dad as screamed in my face and woken me up in the middle of the night, just to blame me for the problems he has in his relationship with his parents and my mother. He blames me for everything that goes wrong in this family. And only screams at me to "get the f*** out and live with him" if I "love him so much"... I just can't take the fighting and the constant tension in my house. I can't take doing this to my parents and to my boyfriend. I just want everyone to be happy. But I know it's probably never going to happen.
The fact that my boyfriend is STILL with me tells me how much he cares about me. All of my friends have abandoned me, but not him. My choice to be with the one I love is tearing my family apart... I can't just break up with him like my parents want. That's like someone telling me to cut off the relationship between my mom, dad or little brother. It just hurts too much to think he will never be in my life... I just wish they would have a little faith in me. I know what they want and I'm trying to give it to them. They want me to be independent and happy.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've been contemplating on moving in with him, but he tells me to just stay with my parents and "do the right thing". But I've tried, I just feel that they will fight to keep him away from me... I've cried and cried to my boyfriend about how bad it is here and he has never ONCE told me to run away with him, or given me any idea about how "I shouldn't take their **** because I'm 18 blah blah blah", unlike all of my other friends...
He's my best friend. I can always count on him to tell me the truth about my behavior and give me good advice on how I should deal with my parents. He always there for me. I quit cutting and I quit doing drugs because of him. He gave me a reason to be a better person. I love this man, but my parents hate him...
I need guidance, I need help before I make a mistake that I'll regret! What can I do??
Last edited by Wondergirl; Jul 24, 2012 at 03:39 PM.
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Jobs & Parenting Expert
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Jul 24, 2012, 07:28 PM
1. Choose your boyfriend, say goodbye to your parents, and give up going to college or pay for it yourself.
2. Choose your parents, give up your boyfriend, and go to college.
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Jul 25, 2012, 12:09 PM
1. Choose your boyfriend and mostly likely give your parents time to get over it and go to college.
- If they hated you dating him SO much, then they would have gone to the extremes of kicking you out. Even at 17 you can leave in most states. Cant do much... but you can still leave. I would know.
-If you move in with your boyfriend and wait till the next tax year you would be your own dependent which would mean more financial aid than if you live with your parents. Enough to probably pay for ALL of your college at a local school.
-Start looking for a job. Bc either way it sounds like you need to move into a healthier environment... sorry to say.
2. Choose your parents, Probably keep the boyfriend, put up with your drunk father, and go to college.
-If your boyfriend really loves you, which it sounds like he does, why not go to school for two years on your parents.. since they are offering... get a job... then move in with him... his house should be done by then.
I personally would wait IF my father didn't yell at me and wasn't drunk.
Given your situation however and how you described your relationship with your boyfriend I personally. Would move.
However, as I stated before... start looking for a job.
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Aug 31, 2013, 04:27 PM
Control is control. You have to make a choice. For the next four years, if you stay with your family, you are allowing them to tell you who to date and who not to date. Otherwise, who is to say they will not play this "game" again with the tuition. If you allow someone to control you over material things and money, you are selling your soul. I lived with my mother who allowed my father to do this to her for years. Let me tell you, I would rather be poor with nothing, than to allow someone to dominate my life and tell me what to do and what not to do.
On the other hand, I do not think living with a man 8 years older than you is conducive either. My sister moved in with a man 8 years older than her, but they were engaged. There is a major maturity gap between those ages. I moved in with my boyfriend young, so I understand. But we were closer in age and both came from the same family situations AND we didn't rely on each other financially. I had a job and he had two jobs and we paid for college by ourselves. Try scholarships or financial aid. I would have stayed home if I could have. Instead I was 18, going to school, working on my relationship with my boyfriend, and going to work because I had bills to pay. I only moved out because of EXTREME family circumstances. I emancipated myself.
It depends. My boyfriend and I are still together, but we were on the same maturity level and had the same dreams and goals. We helped each other, but didn't depend on each other.
The best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to move out into a studio apartment by yourself. Get a job - in a hospital - they higher young and pay high. You will be making enough to pay a $600 rent and afford your phone bill, car insurance, and food. How do I know this? That's what I do. Establish independence for yourself. Impress your parents. Develop a relationship with this man that allows him to see you as the independent woman you are. Not dependent on him. Because even if it is unintentional, when you are dependent on someone, sometimes they assume control over you. I hope this helps you. I wish someone had told me all of this years ago. Pay for college yourself, you'll appreciate it more.
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