I'd like to help my girlfriend find herself a hobby. We've talked about it, i asked her to explain to me what makes her happy in her life, and i've come to a conclusion that the only hobby she's really interested in is watching television.

Now i know that's, first of all, not healthy. She can lie in front of TV for 8+ hours a day (not every day, but hey...). Whatever she has to do around the house, or i ask her to do it with me, she is not happy about it. For example, i can talk her into helping me with making a cake, but she'll pretty soon get kind of "pissed off" doing it...she'll eventually do everything she has to, but after that she'll just go lie in front of TV and be in a bad mood. If I ask her: "Let's make lunch together", and we make some pasta (which she likes eating) she'll be ok with it, will get just a tiny bit "pissed off" with it, and as soon as she eats it, she'll go lie in front of TV.

She told me she'd like to paint and draw. I bought her pencils and paper and a book about drawing, and she was into it for 2 days. After that, it's all about watching the telly. Since money here in Croatia doesn't grow on trees, and i'm a student who doesn't make money yet, i cannot afford spending a lot of money on painting equipment, just to have her understand she likes TV better after a couple of days.

Money seems to be my biggest problem. She'd like to do things that cost money: travel, learn how to pilot a plane, drive a motorcycle, horseback riding... All of that is just way out of my league right now.

If i try to talk her into going for a walk, or in a park, she'll often like TV better.

She said she'd like to grow plants, and we bought some equipment for that, and after 2 days of planting the seeds in the ground, she's already getting "pissed off" at the seeds not growing up.

Whatever i try to talk her into doing, she'll say she doesn't really like doing it. It's kind of getting on my nerves a little, so i'm turning to you with question:

How do I help her find a hobby which will take her away from the TV and make her a happier (and more cheerful) person?

CaptainForest

Why?

She enjoys watching TV, so what’s the problem? Perhaps this really does interest her. That being said…

You say she likes to fly a plan, travel, ride a horse. You say you can’t afford these things for her as you’re only a student. What does she do? How about she gets a job?

You say she can watch TV for 8+ hours a day, so perhaps she should go get a job.


Perhaps she is depressed. Is she? Has something happened in her life to make her depressed?

CroCivic91

Why? Because it's not healthy watching the TV for that long, that's the main reason. Second reason is that she's dragging me into it, and i don't like it. I don't like watching TV at all. I may watch a movie every 2 days, or something, but i don't enjoy watching TV more than that. I'd like us to do other stuff together. I wouldn't mind going ice skating, horse back riding, going to the park, do some gardening, do some renovation, work out, work on my car, play cards, just about anything other than TV. But she seems to like TV better than anything i propose...and even she can't find what she'd rather do than watch TV.

She is also a student as me. We take same classes.

Current situation (her watching TV as much as she does) has started getting on my nerves in the last 2 weeks, and that's because we have a 1 month break from classes because we have exams, so she has more time to watch TV. Our classes start in about 1 week again, so we'll be back to classes, but i'd still like to know what to do when our next college break comes.

She is not depressed at all, she is even doing extremely well at college (she passed more exams than me this month).

To give you a bit more backup on why this is bothering me this much...
I have quite a busy schedule, giving tutoring lessons to other students, working on my Honda engine, doing a lot of programming for college...I don't get much time to hang out with her. I regularly take away some time i planned to use on working on stuff i WANT to do for myself (working on my engine, and learning something i'd like to learn (like a bit about "pattern recognition" and "artificial intelligence")) just to have a bit more time to hang out with her. And when i get to her place, she wants to watch TV which i do not like. That is what's getting on my nerves. I take away time from my activities to be with her and do stuff with her together, yet all she wants to do is something i don't want to do.

It may seem like i'm a bit*h here, but i'm not (i'm not saying she is either), because i'd enjoy pretty much doing ANYTHING else other than watching TV.

So, does this long post make any sense? Do you have any suggestions?

fredg

Hi,
I do understand where you're coming from.
You are a very active person. Is she interested in anything you do?
Can she, or would she, be willing to help you? Or be with you when you doing things you like to do? After being married for 29 yrs now, I find both my wife and I like doing things together. I fish, which she could care less, so I do that by myself. We have things we do like to do together.
There are other things we do together that I could really care less about, but it makes her happy that I am with her. That's what matters.
If your girlfriend doesn't like doing anything you like to do, and doesn't want to make an effort to please you, then there could be a problem with the relationship. Since she might like doing things that cost a lot of money, and is not happy with doing anything that doesn't cost money, it would seem her activities are based on money, and not on being happy with doing things with you that are not expensive.
Eventually, she will have to seriously think about her relationship with you, and where it's going. Does she really want to make you happy? A relationship is a two-way street; compromise is the key word.
Most of the time, a change in attitude must come from within a person themselves. They have to make the change. They can have opportunities offered to them by others to make choices, but they must make the choices for themselves. If your girlfriend doesn't want to change anything, it's going to be difficult.
I do wish you the best.

CroCivic91

Thanks Fred.

Well, she says she finds me working on my engine interesting, and she says she'd like to be able to do it too. I've been thinking about buying a small moped or something, and getting some parts and help her rebuild it, but it also requires money. She doesn't have a driver's licence (and taking tests to get one costs about 900$ here now), so she doesn't have a car that i could teach her how to rebuild.

She finds it interesting how i can make computer programs, and how they can be useful...however, i have to talk her (a lot) to try and make something on her own. I can't have her WANT to do it by herself. But it's interesting that she says it herself that she finds it interesting.

Once I was soldering something, and asked her if she'd like to give it a try. She has never soldered before, and she made a terrific job. It only goes to show she's got a lot of talent, but she's just not interested in pursuing anything on her own.

She does want to help me when i do something, but she's usually into it for a very short time (10-15 minutes) and then she has enough of it and she goes back to the telly.

I'm aware that relationships are all about compromise. I usually do things i could care less about with her, but i'm just having too much of this TV thing. I really do not mind her watching TV on her own (as long as it's not too bad for her health), but i'd like her to do other things with me from time to time.

I'm just wondering what i can do to motivate her to find something she'd like to do.

Just for example...about 15-16 months ago, i knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about cars. I knew there were diesel driven cars, and petrol driven cars and that's about it. If you popped a hood in front of me, i couldn't point to the engine head. I knew NOTHING. I wanted to learn about it, I searched the web, read about Hondas, and today i'm not afraid to disassemble the whole engine down to the smallest bolt, replace worn out parts and assemble it again, i'm not afraid to swap engines, install power door locks (i just finished wiring them on my car today ), install alarms, stereos...it's all because i WANTED to learn it.

How can i ignite that "I want to learn about this" spark in her?

31pumpkin

CroCivic,

Sounds like you both need more $$, & someone needs a bit more exercise. You didn't say whether u loved this girl or not ...b/c that would make a difference in my answer. I wish I could say I had a HOBBY when I was your age, but I only had interests. But b/c your studies keep you inside a lot, I think exercise is key.
Perhaps you could visit family or friends nearby? Or maybe make new friends so you have a change in your routine.

If you're that interested. You might try seeing what your gf watches the most on tv & try using that to buy some books or music or crafts,etc.

I just think too much of anything's no good for anyone.

I'm just suggesting some things b/c u asked. Only u can tell what makes u happy.

This input is from a 53 y.o married woman from N.E. Florida, USA

Good Luck---- Keep us posted!

CroCivic91

Thanks pumpkin

You're right, if we had more money, we'd have so much more things to do...now i can barely finance my own hobbies.

We do work out, 3 times a week. We go to a local students gym and spend about an hour and a half there. I'm quite an active person and having to sit still for 6 months (due to mononucleosis) drove me nuts.

I do not really have a routine at this moment in life. I know i have to study, i know i want to work on my engine, and that's about it. There are a lot of little things that pop around every day, but i'm in no way in a routine.

By the way, i love this girl a lot. She is the 2nd girl in my life that i really love. I do not get in love easily.

I'd love to be able to buy books and stuff, because right now i know what she'd like. It's just that i cannot afford any of it right now.

But my real question would be: how can i motivate her in a way that she WANTS to learn about some things?

Today she told me she finds it hard to concentrate lately. I've asked her does she know what's the reason, and she said she has no idea. She says she finds herself just "hearing words" and not "understanding them" when i try to explain her something we have to learn for college...does that ring a bell to anyone?

labman

Are any of the international service clubs active in your area, Kiwanis, Lions, Rotary? I am sure there is much work to be done. Some chapters in some places are just a bunch of rich old men sitting around, but others are actively serving their communities and welcome anybody willing to help.

CroCivic91

Unfortunately, none that i've heard of. I've never even heard of Kiwanis and Lions, but i think there is Rotary in a city about 500 miles away.

I'll definately look into this! Thanks for the idea.

31pumpkin

Hi Cro,

Saw that you are very serious about trying to motivate your GF, & trying to do that on anyone takes time & patience. Having difficulty concentrating & hearing "only words" suggests that she needs a medical checkup(b/c people can be anemic with those symptoms). Or with those symptoms, one could just be very distracted b/c they have something else on their mind most of the time.
You might want to talk to her regarding these things. Besides, motivation has a huge psychological component. Hard to do when one's mind is focused somewhere else or you are right out tired.

Hope that makes sense,
I'll be praying 4 U