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Just an idea, since alot of u lot seem to know what ur talkin about..
Would there be anyone willing to listen to my lifestory and make some suggestions as to what i should do next..
See im at a bit of a standstill, or a cross roads if you like and i figure I want a Better life then ive had and i want to do it now while im still young enough to!!
and im willing to try anything!!!!
Alot has gone on (although i will abbrieviate for the lucky winner lol and spare the unimportant stuff)
I would be hugely grateful.
I know this is something i should work out for myself and i will, but i Need a fresh opinion from an intellegent outsider and i need a little perspective.
See i cant see the wood for the trees at the mo if you know what i mean..
Id be willing to return the favour if there is anything i can help anyone with...
We can all listen to your story. Just tell us what it is. There are many smart and helpful people on here with an open ear (eye) lol
You can get honest feedback from so many of us.
Its just that its quite involved and im worried that il pour my heart out leave myself open n then noone will reply or they will just tell me to get counselling n then i will feel worse than before lol..
i was hoping to run through it all n get some practical what can i do next advice?
You might here a ton of things you dont want to hear. Or you might get all your answers. You wont know unless you tell us. I am sure you will get support and direction from several people here.
I think to know someone you need to know there childhood so il start there..
Was born in manchester, the youngest of four. I have an older sister n 2 older brothers.
My mum and dad finally divorced last year after 35 years of marriage.
My mum was a homemaker n my dad worked in a factory, nothing special he was also an alcoholic. Or what is coined a 'functioning alcoholic' as i now know.
My mother is a very difficult to read woman but she brought us up on not much of an income, she was devoted to us a little too much in my opnion, she is n was teetotal n spent years protecting us from the fact that our dad was an alchy. She down played it so much that it just seemed normal for years..
Seemed normal for him to be snappy and grumpy or asleep with a glass of cider in his hand.
Anyway i was the unplanned child n i think the family struggled financially when i was born my dad was made redundant n a few years later our house was reposessed so we were forced to move to a four bed in a very rough part of manchester where we stayed til i was about ten.
My memories of manchester r very weird and hazy though, its like iv blocked huge things out.
I know when i was 6 my family joined the church of jesus christ of latter day saints which is to say became mormans so we would have regular american missionaries round etc most of whom were very nice.
I remember everybody being baptised apart from me as i had to be 7
I think my dad met some seedy charactors through the church
There was a man i wont name but looking back although im sure he was harmless obviously had severe psyciatric problems n had changed his name by depol to that of a famous footballer n he made several threats an attempts at suicide.
Another was a woman who lived on our estate in a flat n was very obese n her flat stank n was neglected as was she, n my mum would take me to go shopping for her.
See my mum said im talking rubbish n that i had a happy childhoold so why cant i remember it?
ive read some extremely weird yearly school reports i had from when i was very littlle saying i was extremely withdrawn and introverted and unusually subdued and that was when i was 6!!
Just before we moved across country i was rushed to hospital coz i was climbing the fence on my backgarden n my skirt got caught on the barb wire on it (we had it coz of the high crime rate)
So i fell, off the fence onto solid concrete straight on my head, was unconcious n was wheeled to the ambulance with a neck brace because everyone thought id broke my spine. I recovered over the 6 week holidays sleeping downstairs, n for some reason i remember we had mice and traps everywhere cause i could never sleep properly,
So this is why i am the black sheep of the family.
Everyone reckons that when i landed on my head it changed my personality from that of a good natured sweet girl to well whatever it is they think i am..
We moved from manchester to near london, which is opposite ends of the country and a big culture shock n left all our friends behind us. My alchy dad had gotten into trouble up north with something illegal n we had to move.
When we moved his drinking got worse we moved to a 3 bed ugly house.
I was shy at first at school, made a few close friends. Then in my next school i had a large circle of friends but i hated school, hated everything about it and soon refused to go, my mum would try to get me to go but worn out shed usually give in aslong as i did some chores around the house.
It was then i became obsessed with my looks and would spend hours putting make up on and taking it off again, id spend hours on an exercise bike to try to lose weight, all this was instead of going to school though when i did go i was above average and acedemically i was fine.
When i hit puberty i realised there was something really wrong with me not just 'normal teenage stuff' My mum told me she loved me but she didnt like me. Infact she hated me,
that was the year i remember my mum slapping me in my face for the first time. She hardly ever hit us. My dad did, he'd hold his hands over our mouths if we screamed or cried to the point u felt like u cudnt breath.
My sister to this day refuses to have anything to do with him as she says hes an alcoholic bastard who used to beat us up. Which i dont recall at all.
Its obvious now i was very depressed, id have panic attacks, nightmares, i tried to overdose and hang myself all before i started highschool.
When i did go i went for the first year, i still had good friends but i felt i couldnt open up to anybody about how i was feeling.
I started skipping school again mainly because i was exhausted.
Id get up at half 4 to 5 am to get ready to go to school
Id spend those 4/5hours trying to look acceptable to go out the door and somedays id just bottle it.
Id have a bath wash my hair then spend hours on make up.
See i felt ugly even though everybody said i was a beautiful girl and a pretty girl, even neighbours etc but i just didnt believe them..
In the end i would only go to school to do art lessons because i loved art and then id go home again.
The school appointed me a private tutor i had to go see at a centre for 'troubled children'
i did well in my gcses and even got an A in english and english lit.
but during that time on my 16th birthday id met a boy 17, n we started seeing eachother and i thought i was completely in love with him we spent everyday together and i fell pregnant.
Not ideal but i felt blessed and i vowed to love her and look after her and i kept her. i knew shed be a girl,
the pregnancy was difficult n i had a 23 hour labour so they kept me in hospital for 4 days.
I was unprepared and terrified and alone. n worse still although i adored my baby i felt uglier than ever.
I stayed with my mum but my boyfriend became very difficult he worked as a nurse but kept skipping work, hed go into rages and push me around and then one night 2 weeks after giving birth he raped me.
I was still hurting from the birth, still breastfeeding and the sick thing was he kept crying and apologising but i was numb and we just kept carrying on i didnt think i had the strength to be alone again. Nobody knew and my mum wanted me to leave as the house was too small, so i moved into a bedsit at 16 with the baby in a mother and baby unit while i waited to get a house. We lived there for 2 years.
My relationship with my bloke got worse and worse he'd smack me, punch me in the face, put scissors to my throat and eventually i fought back. He was jealous and controlling, didnt like me to wear jewellrey or make up. He lost interest in our baby and thats when i found the strength to finish him for my daughter, so she didnt think all men were like that.
I went off the rails after that, when i had a babysitter id sneak into pubs and clubs with my sister and get drunk, try drugs and have one nightstands.
As many as i could get, i felt totally broken, i was on anti depressants, i started self harming.
And no matter how many men said i was beautiful, i felt tortured.
i tried hard to be a good mum when i was with my daughter, like living a double life and she never went without although i was only on benefits and no csa. Id spend my days taking her shopping and to the park then when she was with my mum, doing pills going out and trying to escape. nIt was wrong but i was lost and carrying this shame of being raped when i was so vulnerable at the time.
Id write poems, i carved faithless into my arm, id do anything to get the emotions out.
I fell for another man, he was what i wanted he had a son the same age, he had tattooed hands he was tall good looking with a good job i was 17 and he was 25 wed take the kids out on play dates, but it was short lived his son had terminal cancer and downs syndrome and we had to split his ex needed him when his son died.
It took me awhile to get over him, probably never have really.
My stupid priority in life again became meeting men (which isnt uncommon in the town i live in)
I think in my heart i just wanted to make a complete family, i wanted my own whole family and i didnt want to be alone. i just didnt know how to do it.
Thought sex was love.
Even had a threesome with two strangers while on drugs.
I know how it sounds but like i said i led a double life and my daughter was sheltered away from it spending time with my mum and her dad..
In that time i moved from a bedsit to a flat and started seeing my daughters dad again he'd come by to have sex with me and leave, i felt worthless i felt thats all i could offer and i couldnt see a way out. I fell pregnant around the time i was offered a house and my older sister was also pregnant.
This time i didnt know whether to keep the baby or not, the dad didnt want to know by then i was 18.
i spent hours trawling the internet killing my self looking at anti abortion website then at the first scan i went with my mum and said i would keep it n bought a little yellow baby grow.
i felt it was a boy, n i had a name .i wasnt very far gone and i went out with my sister that night for a quiet (non alcoholic drink)
later on that night in the ladies doing my make up (for the hundredth time) a drunk woman attacked me beat me up kicked me in the stomach and gave me the worst black eye ive ever had. i didnt get the police involved which i regret because of my pride issues.
I sank into a darker depression stayed at my mums new house, decided on an abortion as they couldnt find a heartbeat anyway.
My family didnt agree with abortion saying i should give it a chance, but i didnt want a new child suffering life the way i felt i had,
so i went on my own.
Now 19, wearing all black i had a surgical abortion.
For the first time in years i was forced to wear no make up, feeling vulnerable. i hated myself i came too from the anesthetic screaming and crying and went home alone in a taxi empty..
i moved to a two bed house to try to make a fresh start for me n my daughter for months it was just us, decorated the house made the two of us into a family.
Then oneday when i was out the boiler burst and flooded the whole house destroying almost everything. We had to move out for weeks we stayed at my mums and started goin out again, looking for mr right just going about it all wrong.
Even when i met another guy i liked looking to fall in love again , blonde, blue eyes,muscular, he seemed so genuine til he brought his mate round one night got me drunk on vodka n they both had sex with me, i slipped back to depression taking no medication and even had group sex with these lads on a few occasions, which im ashamed of now but back then i was in no frame of mind to make any decisions..
I stopped caring.
Then i got rid of him, after this guy and his mates showed up in the middle of the night and when i refused they tried to rape me and trashed my house
I spent some time on my own after that.
I started college, took driving lessons got my lil girl into a nursery and things were going well. Then my nan died, my mum took it hard i quit college.
Then i met the man by chance one night, the man that has ruled my existance right up until now.We were in the pub and we started talking and he just reached across and held my hand n it felt just like what i needed! it felt right but i treated him like any other one night stand and kicked him out in the morning but he wouldnt let it go kept comin to see me and after 2 weeks we were a couple he got on well with my daughter and i was blissfully in love, blindly in love.
Then i noticed he never had any money and he didnt want to go anywhere that didnt serve alcohol. i found out more and pretty soon he was lying to me stealing from me living with me and loving me. i was confused i thought this time things would be ok it felt like we were so solid so comfortable with eachother and then he was decieving me.
I fell pregnant at 21 i was ecstatic i thought stupidly this would be the answer to our problems but of course the problems got worse. Especially during my pregnancy he stopped pretending he wasnt an alcoholic and hed beg for money off me for cider and cigerettes everday and if i said no he'd smash things up push me around call me every disgusting thing under the sun.
But then he had this flipside where he loved me he loved us he'd talk to his child in my belly, cook dinners play with my daughter.
I lived with jekell and hyde.
I got him a job was so proud of him , then he went off the rails drinking with other alcoholics and lowlifes. I even went looking for him after he disappeared for 4 days and found him in a burnt out crack den with homeless addicts..
He looked ill i loved him i had his daughter growing inside me and i took him home..
The drinking consumed his days and mine, the money, the rows n i was teetotal the whole time through pregnancy..
The birth was better and i loved my new baby instantly, felt optimistic for a brighter future with a happy family.
My partner was great for the first few weeks drinkin less gettin up in the night makin bottles. He proposed to me but i said no not until he could quit the drink.
Then out of no where he became more violent, i wont even get into some of it the drink had him, completely.
He smashed up his daughters cot. id sleep at night with my bankcard in my bra and my phone under the pillow, hed call me a prostitute and a slag although not once did i cheat on him. I adored him, looked after him like the kids loved him like the kids..
I split with him on fathersday after he took the last pound coin out of my purse and ripped up his fathers day card infront of our daughter.
Months went by slowly,
Visited my ex as i needed to confide in him ova someone he knew that was stalking me but he was so drunk he smashed a glass in my mouth cracked my front tooth and he was sent to prison for abh, he wrote to me telling me i was his world n i stupidly took him back..
hes not going to change, hes started having seizures when he doesnt drink because his body goes into shock through withdrawl. the doctors have said they give him2 years to live if he carries on the way he is. And he is 26
Ive been so under his complete control that now were not together i dont know whats normal and whats not anymore..
I dont know where to turn, i want a career , i want a family, nice home healthy relationship.
money would be nice, i am determined this time to make a change and never look back!
Im not the girl i was, ive spent 4 years loving one man, being a mother, having what ive always wanted but in a terribly cursed and twisted way..
Need a whole new life for me and my kids, new perspective, need to break free from this cycle now while i still can..
Thankyou for reading!! ur ideas would mean so much..
That was quite a read. I wasn't sure if I would be able to read it all, but I have. I just have a few questions. The last time you mentioned your age, you said you were 19. So how old are you now? Are you working? Are you going to college? How old are your two kids now?
Is there someone you can talk to, to help you plan your future ahead? I'm sure you have lots to offer, you just need some guidance. Someone to give you some direction. Identify your strengths and go from there.
Other than that, here are a few other observations. There seems to be a trend. You meet guys at bars or pubs. Maybe you should try to meet guys in a more appropriate setting if possible. If you're searching for a man, try to find someone who isn't an alcoholic. There are men out there who don't ever get drunk and drink responsibly with friends. Find a man who has a stable job and not making ends-meat. You've been through so much, there's no reason for you to settle for less. Increase your expectations on the man that you want. Do not have sex with him so early. Sex is not the answer. Spend more time talking and learning about the guy first. Sex can come much later.
You said it yourself, you wanted to tell us your entire life story before we give you advice. So that's how you should be treating men. Spend MUCH MORE time getting to know them before you even consider having sex.
Now that you have 2 children, you should not be sheltering them from your bad habits (such as drinking), you should quit drinking altogether. It's time to be the best mother that I know that you can be. Anyway, quitting drinking will save you loads of money that can be better spent on your children.
Don't give up on yourself, all these past experiences will only make you a stronger person. There's so much ahead of you, just keep moving forward. If you ever have doubts, you can always come back to this forum and ask for help. But I strongly suggest that you get some professional help, such as a therapist or counsellor.
Just some of my thoughts as I read through this.
One, parents do not see life through the eyes of their kids so they often have no idea what their kids went through.
Have you ever sat down with them and discussed the things that made your life crummy?
Two, the worst thing you can do is hold on to the past and use it as an excuse for why your life isn't going good now. Let go of the past and just look at it as lessons learned. Don't carry it with you as baggage.
Three, Let go of everything and anything that holds you back as much as you possibly can. Like if your friends/family hold you back only spend a minimal amount of time with them and don't discuss things that they will make you feel negative about.
Four, forget a relationship at least until you get your life where you want it. I really believe that people that struggle because the wrong bf is on his own path and usually it is determental to your path. If you find someone that has the same goals and dreams and is helping you build your life for that goal then it is a different story.
Five, having got the junk out of your life, make your plans and set your goals and put all your effort toward that goal. Write your plan of action on how you will go about acheiving these things so you can keep checking to see your progress.
Do as you were taught as a younger. Be ,and act as child of God once more . Your constant struggles are reminders as to who you once were as a Latter Day Saint. you have stumbled drunkenly off the path and are blinded as your mother and father taught you through there own examples. Is this what you want for your children as well?
rise up, break the chain, refrain, from your desires and addictions and and do what it is that you must to clean up your self . If not for you ,Your children.
Once you have decided to do this , the opportunities will come and knock at your door. But you must put the first foot forward in the right direction. Heavenly Father does not come looking for you. The road to salvation is not always an easy one but is a rewarding one if only we have the courage to Choose the right to live our life with respect for ourselves.
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