| Barriers of apologizing
You know how important apologizing is now, but you just can't bring yourself to doing it. Maybe you are experiencing excessive workloads and stress. Maybe you don't have the guts to confront the person face-to-face. If this is the case, I encourage you to build your confidence and throw away your pride. You will be glad you did.
Also as explained in "The Power of Apologizing" part, we often do not apologize because of fear. Why are you scared? By opening up our mistakes, we basically put down our shields leaving us vulnerable for an attack by the other person. You fear the ramifications of your actions. If the fear is minor, tell the person your fear and why you have it before apologizing.
You MUST remember that being scared of facing the person is coming from the desire to protect yourself.
You have a fear of responsibility for your own actions. Do not expect the person to treat you like an angel. After all, you did screw up otherwise you wouldn't be apologizing in the first place. If you don't own up now, it will come back at you harder and at a worse time. You'll later on learn more about timing your apology.
Another likely barrier to you apologizing is that you're scared it's a sign of weakness. With this train of thought you think the other person receives a superior power over you. "Bahaha. I'm better than you. You apologized!"... Yeah right. By not apologizing you are weak because you have an extreme imbalance between your courage to apologize and your big headed ego. When asking for forgiveness, your self-centeredness lowers, your courage rises, and balance exists with you and the other person.
Your goal in apologizing is not to keep what pride you have alive or to let the other person ‘win’. You should be aiming to keep and develop a good relationship. There are no winners or losers. The two of you are on the same team and need to work together.
A Non-Apology Apology
Parents teach their children to say please and thank you very early on. They are then later taught to apologize by saying "I'm sorry". The children are unknowingly taught by parents to say "sorry" to please their mum or dad and not mean it. These words they are taught do not sink into their minds as they miss the true reason to apologize. I certainly don't blame the little fellas.
From a young age we continue to shy away from true apologies by creating something called a non-apology apology. That's no typo. A non-apology apology is a comment that we feel compelled to say too please the offended person. It's almost an extension of a forceful apology when we were young by our parents, except with the non-apology apology we say it to please the other person.
If you're after an example of one, look no further than politicians. These adorable people are jammed packed with non-apology apologies. I don't mean to pick on politicians but one example is Bill Clinton's remarks regarding the Lewinsky scandal. President Clinton confessed his relationship with Lewinsky was "wrong", but failed to experience guilt. It was said about his talk, that Clinton aimed to protect what he had done. Part of the President's speech that made it a non-apology apology is:
"It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important, my family; also my friends, my staff, my Cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people."
Another non-apology apology I came across was NFL's Detroit Lion's president Matt Millen who used an inappropriate term for gays at a player. He said:
"He made an inappropriate remark, and I reacted inappropriately. I said something I shouldn't have, which was wrong, and I apologize for that. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark."
That is absolutely filled with non-apology apologies. Another example I found of many was Pierre Boivin, Montreal Canadiens' President, when he apologized for fans booing the American national anthem:
"We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident."
It has become a trend in public apologies to say sorry if you hurt someone. The apology is dependent on the condition someone was hurt and implies the offended has something wrong with themselves. Some more examples:
"I'm sorry for not mowing the lawn even though it does not require cutting."
"I apologize if I hurt anyone."
"Please take my apology if you were offended by what I said."
To show you how easy and delicate apologizing is take this example:
"I'm sorry I lied to you. I feel guilty that I've let you down"
All you need to do is replace the first sentence with "I'm sorry if I lied to you." and you've destroyed your apology by making it a non-apology apology.
Do you see what kind of apology a non-apology apology is now? We use non-apology apologies to take the heat off ourselves to keep the offended person quite. It puts the onus on those we upset by implying the victim has something wrong. There is no remorse and sorry similar to what I explained with how most young children apologize. It's something you say to please the other person while protecting yourself. You try to shy away from guilt and responsibility by using a non-apology apology.
That ends the second part "Apologizing No No's. Problems and Barriers You Need to Avoid".
The last lesson gave you an excellent understanding of the tremendous power apologizing has on you and the person you're apologizing to. This lesson taught you the problems and barriers you need to avoid in apologizing.
Now that you've learnt NOT what to do, you are more focused at what you SHOULD do. This is discussed more in the next lesson which is entitled:
"Alternative Ways of Apologizing"
Joshua Uebergang
Communication & Self Development Consultant
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