I am doing a lot of soul-searching these days after a bad breakup. I always had considered myself to be a very giving person, because I agreed to move when my ex wanted to move and I felt it was a big sacrifice. Looking back, though, I think I held a grudge for doing this for him and then I was actually very selfish and stingy with my feelings in my relationship. I don't know if this is something that is going to be a continuing problem in future relationships, so I am concerned.

I get defensive easily and I don't think I set realistic expectations for others, so then I get disappointed and hold things against them. In my next relationship, what suggestions do you have for me to be assertive on things that really matter and ways to put things that don't ("He is too short, he never takes me dancing, etc...") in perspective? I don't want to lose another relationship!

And, no we are not getting back together. He already has a new girlfriend and doesn't want to talk to me, so I don't want to go down that road.

N0help4u

Find out their goals and what they want in life by asking questions like how many kids would you like to have, do you plan on staying in this town or where is your ideal place to live, do you like assertive women, picky women, etc.... Actually get to know a guy before you jump into anything with him.
It can be difficult to go along with someone just to make them happy and not feel resentment that they took away, messed up or stalled your plans. It is not always selfish to say no. When possible compromise with something you both can live with.

applehead2007

Thanks, that is good advice. I was 23 when we met and he was 32, so I think that had a lot to do with it.

Applejacks83irv

hell yeh! that have alot to do with that! he live more then you?

s_cianci

Any relationship is going to require a certain degree of compromise. And nobody is perfect so anyone you have a relationship with is going to have some flaws. What you need to do is to decide what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not. You mentioned relocating in your last relationship for the sake of your partner and then later resenting him for it. It's not fair to put that burden on his shoulders. You need(ed) to decide whether or not that was something you were/are willing to do. In this last instance it was probably a bad move. But you made that decision and you have to accept responsibility for it. Actually now is a good time for you to decide on your priorities and decide what you will and will not compromise on, since you're currently not in a relationship and there's nothing to cloud your judgement. The main thing is to keep your power. Make sure that any decision you make is yours and yours alone. It's hard to give you a lot of specifics, save for the issue of relocating (which at this point I think it's safe to say you are against), since we don't know much about your life situation and therefore can't anticipate what kinds of sacrifices you may have to make in a future relationship. But it's up to you to decide what you will and will not accept. Of course, the emphasis is on the things that would directly impact you ; not on things like "he's too short" , "he never takes me dancing", etc.

Applejacks83irv

well your dumb! hey girl! look your 23 and i'm sure your really cute. and compromise with an old man come on now? you can't teach and old dog new ticks and if he's got you? apple head, what make you so sure? he do have another peace of young azz! out there?