Hi everybody. I think I have a problem but to be honest I'm not even sure it should be something to be worried about! I think I'm turning into a man!

I am a 20 year old female student from the UK. I am straight and I have lots of friends of both sexes from all corners of the earth. I am not seeing anyone right now... (I was dumped by my boyfriend of 2 years a couple of months ago, he found a new girl, cheated on me with her).

My self-esteem/confidence has taken a bit of a thrashing, and recently I have begun to question myself a little. I am tall and slender with a natural athletic build. I am pretty flat-chested (32B) and I have quite a low (husky) voice. I always wear jeans and tshirts/baggy sweaters with old, battered trainers. I don't wear much make-up as I am extremely pale and any form of makeup seems to look worse on me. My shins and arms always have bruises and scrapes on them because I am so clumsy.

Personality-wise, I am smart, and I am honest, to the point of being blunt. I am easy to talk to and I try to solve things practically using logic. I am always the matchmaker, but never the one being matched. I have a very high sex drive, and I always enjoyed sex with my boyfriend (he was my first). I have a filthy sense of humour and I litter my conversations with swear words and slang (with the right people). I enjoy talking about books, computer games, music and life in general with people, and my habits (unfortunately) include constantly sniffling, biting my nails and chewing the skin on my lips.

Before the break-up I hardly noticed these things. My ex dumped me for a very girly girl however and my world has fallen apart. The comparisons don't seem to stop. She almost falls over the guys who flock round her, whereas I just fall over. She wear little skirts with cute tights and boots, has rosy skin, beautiful eyes and a girly giggle. I wear scruffy jeans, men's socks, worn-out trainers, I have too much eyebrow hair and sometimes I oink when I laugh. Honestly.

I always knew it wasn't my looks that he fell for, it was my personality (although he told me differently), but I feel that this is a wake-up call to change myself a just a little. I am a really masculine girl, a real tomboy, and I get the idea that men do not want tomboys, they want nice, soft, squidgy, girly girls to cuddle up to sometimes...

Although I am not actively seeking a boyfriend, and I certainly do not want my ex back in my life, I suddenly feel that all of the nice guys are passing me by because I look so rough! I would never undergo anything drastic, but my mother has even been commenting on how a little fake tan and a few skirts wouldn't go amiss. It's like a horror film.

So, should I try to scrub up a little better, or should I stay the way I am? I am so confused!

You can be both, you can be who you are, and find someone that will love you for that. But then there is no reason to look and dress sloppy,

I have a wonderful friend, she stands about 6 ft 4 in tall and no femal shape so to speak when dressed in sweat shirts and baggy jeans.

But when she goes out, with make up, a little padding here and there and she looks like a glamour model.

You only look sloopy because you allow yourself to

So sorry about your break up but let me assure you that not all men go for girly girls like you I'm a tomboy and am currently in a 3 year relationship. Your uniqness will attract the men.. you just need to find the right one is all! If your really really scruffy you should maybe try an experiment and meet half way between girly and tomboy.. I did this... for example:: I l love my baggy jeans and massive jumpers but Ive comprmised for a more femanine/fitted jean and more fitted jumper.. it looks more femanine.but it lets me keep my casual style. If you wish to become more femanine ease yourself into it by making small changes such as wear a more femane top on a night out and add earings or some other jewls and keep your jeans... then if your comfortable with the small femanine changes.. keep them and eventually you'll find your happy medium.. this worked for me anyway.. now I have my jumpers and jeans during the day and if I go out I just keep the jeans fix my hair and head out.

Looking sloppy os OK if your @home lazing about but you should try and make a little effort if you know you'll be in public and go all out with the style if your going to hit the town.. it will give you more confidence.. I promise!
Oh and you should get a friend who's style you like and you really trust and ask their opinion on what wouls suit you.. maybe take you shopping for some clothes.

p.s I also have very pale skin and wear subtle make up.. u should give it a try and a cosmetic counter..

Really hope this helps
Xx

Hi Abbalover! Welcome to the site.
I can relate to your post to some degree. I prefer being comfortable to looking girly... but in my line of work, you always have to look fairly presentable. And my ego also took a bit of a bashing a few years ago after the demise of a particular relationship, which forced me to look at my so-called "image"... jeans, torn trainers and horrible horrible jumpers!
I have worked as a model, so know I am not unattractive in any way. I suppose I just wasn't bothered with the attention... until I was dumped and unhappy! Now I realise, it can be kind of nice to receive this attention, and without going to too much of a drastic change, I started to become more aware of what clothing I was buying, and how my hair was cut. I also became aware of needing a wee ego boost after being dumped... (and it does kind of work believe me!)
So here's what I did, in small stages... (I hate shopping too and that has not really changed too much). I started looking at magazines. I allowed myself to like or dislike clothing I saw on others. (People reading this might not understand what I mean, but it's nearly like giving yourself permission to have opinions on things you have told yourself you know nothing about!) I tried buying the odd new top, the odd pair of shoes, and recently I even started wearing skirts... and guess what? It felt a little like I was in fancy dress to begin with - like I was playing a character - but it felt great. And I received a lot of compliments, and that felt great too.
Don't get me wrong, I haven't altered considerably, but I have started to take stock of my appearance a bit more, to plan what I might wear rather than slide into whatever I grab first from the wardrobe.
You should give it a try! Find a friend who looks good, whose style you admire, and go shopping with her. Aim to buy at least one thing. You'll discover what suits you best eventually. And don't confuse any of this with competing with your ex's new woman. You are still you. And you are probably a lot more comfortable just being you... but it does feel nice to dress up every now and again. And your experimentation with your image will distract you from your breakup - because you are focusing on yourself (so what if it's in a superficial way!)
If you can afford it, a great place to start is to go for a facial. I had one for the first time recently, and felt I had to justify the treatment and start paying a bit more attention to myself... and my skin glowed from the inside out. It's also important for you to do nice things for yourself,to pick yourself up a little. Do your eyebrows bother you that much? I have heavy eyebrows, but they are a much complimented feature of my face! You could ask a salon to "tidy them up" if you wanted to, but relax on these comparisons. I am a total tomboy, but I do want to look like a sexbomb now and again! I can choose to present myself as I see fit. And so can you. You can decide to show off your femininity more with your clothing and makeup or not.
Give it a try - for me it all started when I bought a pink t-shirt - a colour I never wore in my life. And hey, it drew a lot of positive comments!
As for your clumsiness and bruises, well I can relate to that one too haha! You just need to slow down, you probably rush everywhere and try to do everything at once.
Treat yourself: my philosophy has become a case of not wanting to look back on photos of this time of my life and see that I only realised at an older age, when it was harder to look good, that I had it all in the palm of my hand here and now. :)

I have decided to take on your advice and feminize my appearance, but there is one thing holding me back - what if my ex sees me, all girly looking, and gets some smug satisfaction that he made me change myself?

I don't want that evil pig to know that I am changing because I am embarrassed of myself. He laughs at me already (and gets his friends to laugh at me too - outloud when I walk past) and this will give him further ammo.

You change for yourself abbalover not to give smug satisfaction to your ex. You are changing yourself for you only and no one else.
Believe in yourself and do things for you in this life my dear.
Hope all goes well for you :) xx

He is the one with the low self-esteem, as people who laugh at other people to be mean are the people who look at themselves and not happy with what they see, so they laugh and try make other people feel small so that they feel big. Let him laugh... id smile at him too when he laughs, don't let him bother you, he is a big time looser.

Hi, abba,
It's easy to say not to let others' opinions bother you; it's another thing to try ignoring them.
It would be nice to dress anyway you choose, and not be thinking about how others will feel, or will gossip.
That's all part of it when you decide to change appearance drastically. It's your decision. Be prepared for possibly finding new friends, and be prepared for all the gossip. If you're the type of person that can just let it "roll off your back", like water off a duck, then you will have no problem.
If you're not, then think about what you are doing.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Don't think of it that way... you're not doing it for him, you're doing it for yourself! Besides, lets see how much they laugh when you strut by them looking HOT!! Lets see how much they laugh when you have guys crawling all over you!

Lets see how much YOU laugh when they start trying to hook up with you, too!! Lol

(I think we should get to see some before and after pics, too!)

Hi abbalover, I to grow up as a tomboy I wore baggy clothes,caps, bandannas. I also had a boyfriend who would talk about me and tried to change me, I know I looked crazy I just felt comfortable like this.as time went on I started to change my appearance a little just to see what would happen, guys did start to notices me more and I felt good about that and I don't have a very big chest either but it's not what you have that counts you don't have to go all out to look good just do little things to make you feel good start pampering yourself first then try outfits that fit your body and then wear natural make-up and the try soft bodysprays, and find yourself a nice hair style that fit your face. After all that then stand back and wait to see what happens. I'm married with 4 childern and one on the way how you look and feel about yourself matters so just give these things a try : ) net

I was so much the tomboy that at age 17, I was mistaken for a boy--granted it was in a marine store when almost no girls were into boats.;)

Later in my early thirties, I learned that I was sometimes mistaken for a lesbian-- but it apparently had more to do with my owning a printing company, a very male dominated field. :rolleyes:

Slowly, I grew more and more outwardly feminine but there has never been a shortage of men who thought I was sexy enough make a pass at... I just consider myself a slow starter in this arena LOL and now my husband considers me a closet girly girl :eek:

I am far more comfortable now that I am all grown up (let's hope! LOL) but I occasionally get mistaken for a male here at AMHD and that still sends a little insecurity ripple up my spine. I have said all this so you know you are NOT alone, and you are a wonderfully unique creature who can invent and reinvent herself any way she chooses, gull dern it! So if that ex or any of his cronies ask what's up with your new look--- you just tell them you met someone (and silently think to yourself,. "yeah ME!!" LOL) :p

PS- I see that its something of an old thread but I couldn't resist! I hope you're still reading this, Abba.

I'm sure you're a very good person at heart but it might not hurt you to try and "scrub up" a little better. All of us at one time or another could use some self-improvement, regardless of what current humanistic philosophies try to make us believe, that we're just fine the way we are and that people should be abel to accept us for who we are, etc. etc. Sure, we all have a right to be treated with basic dignity and respect but that doesn't mean there's no reason for us to polish up our act a bit.

I don't think you are turning into a man. Everyone has a different voice. Just be you. :)

OK, first hit yourself in the head... no penis you are a woman... take a bath... dress like you want to and go about your life... someone else will come about and see what they want... If you feel like dressing to the nine... then do so... do not make yourself uncomfortable... let's try this do what you feel today...

In all that, ask yourself this. Have you always had the desire to be a man? I have dry humped with a my penis a female (my penis is a sock), and I enjoy it. I have been doing this since I have been 5 years old, in my my quiet time, when no one else is around. I totally get off on having male equipment down there, and think that one day I will wake up and this nightmare of woman hood will be over, where I will look down, and my penis will be back.

Too bad you're an ocean away, and only half my age or I might have to go ga-ga for you... Kind of reminds me of a ens novel in some ways where the main character is in raggy clothes but is really of royalty... maybe it's got something to do with the UK and all that you mentioned. When I was in college, I always fell for the athletic type girl who wore exactly what you described... problem was that they did not fall for me and I became the joke, especially when one of them had a girl friend who chased me away with a ball bat... but anyway, I say go with what you are comfortable with doing as well as remembering that it doesn't hurt to experiment with a new style... you could even do it so gradually that no one will notice... unless you want to make an appearance as the princess that no one will recognize? If you do the changes, you'll be more self conscious of it and might even read things into people's actions that aren't even true because of the self consciousness... but try to remember that if people are so busy with their own lives that they don't have time to notice the styles you choose to try out, then that would be normal... if they do notice all the little things you do, then they are paying some pretty close attention to you for some reason?? Enjoy it, and let them eat their hearts out... be free to do what you want. And if the guy tries to take credit for what ever changes you try for yourself, then let it be known that he wasn't worth making the changes for, and now that he is out of your life, you feel better about doing more to pamper yourself... to be pleasing to yourself... and whoever you might decide to spend your time with in the future...

I personally don't think that appearances make the individual as much as their character and all that is inside...

If you are feeling less than feminine and want to feel more feminine Clean up and do more girl type things as long as you are comfortable with them. You can wear casual clothes like a flannel shirt and jeans and still be as feminine as the cutesy girls. Its all in your attitude.
I wear flannel shirts, Levi's and work boots and do men's work AND I AM N0T a women lib. OH AND I HATE my voice. Do some feminine type things like soak in the tub with lavender oil, put your hair up sometimes or let it down, pamper yourself and BE yourself.
I AM woman and proud of it!

My son who is in Iraqi right now will (to be silly) wear a pink baseball cap or pink T shirt and say "I am comfortable with MY masculinity"
He has a point!

So sorry for you but anyway I have a girlfriend and she is just like you and I love her and just hate girly girls. So my advise is that stay who you are and your true love will find you because you just can't pretend for the rest of your life,so forget that boy and move on.

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