Hello. I am new to this site. I have an 18 year old whom just moved out. All we do is argue. He calls me terrible names. He treats me so badly that I had to kick him out. I just don't get it. I helped him get a car twice and even let him be quoted on our insurance. He works full time and has no bills. Doesn't pay rent or anything. He owes me money and has been slowly payibg me back. Now that he has moved out he says he forgot he owes me? Spent all his check. He doesn't seem to care about his family or responsibilities he has. I have tried so hard and now he treats me worse than ever. So what do I do now?

mtybaldone

Ginger,
Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very painful for you.
I think you did the right thing by kicking him out, though. If he's eighteen and working, he should get no free ride unless he is respecting you.
I would say that this is just what 18 year-old boys do, they hate their mothers, but it does sound like he is going above and beyond normal behavior.
Is he drinking or doing drugs, where is his father and could that be an unresolved issue for him?
I know it hurts, but it sounds like you need to just leave him alone for a bit. If he is not paying his debts, then cancel his insurance, just stop supporting him alltogether. Let him try to make it on his own.
Let him know that you love him and are here to help him, but that he must treat you with respect, and if he can not, then these are the consequences. No different from when he was four.
I hated my mother at that age. At sixteen I moved out of her house and in with my father because I couldn't stand being near her. I felt like she was always on my case about something and she felt like I had no respect for her. It took until I was 27 until I finally came around to really love and appreciate her. she's still a pain in my butt, but I've accepted that she says and does those things because she loves me and wants the best for me.
As long as he does not have issues with drinking or drugs, then I'd say it is all part of growing up. Boys need to separete themselves from their mother's arms to become men. It is painful for both, but it will take him some time until he realizes how much he loves his Mom, that is why you need to disconnect and let him find it on his own.
Best of luck.

EVS

Hi there

From my experience, your son may make out that he hates you at present, but he is only 18 years old this is typical of teenagers at that point in their lives.

I would look for something that he is hiding from you... You have touched a nerve somewhere that he does not like at all.

You are going to have to adopt TOUGH LOVE attitude with him abd carry on with your life, as if he does not exist....This is hard, I know.

However, if I can help further please do not hesitate to contact me.

Regards
Peanuts

tree

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your son.
Take the advise about cutting your son off financially, unless he makes his payments to you on time. If he is late then cut him off. He will respect you more for holding to your word. I was in the same situation with my daughter. She did not talk to me for almost three months unless she wanted something. I would not give in and she has finally come around. I hope it works for you.

Jahiem28

Kids sometime rebel for crazy reasons. You can be the perfect parent( ;D) which i have not met one). and they still mess up. If u truly want your money take me to court and embarrass him. You deserve better than that. A child of your has no right to disrespect you like that. Also i would stop giving him any money. This is what u call tough luv. GOOD LUCK!!!
in the end kids realize there mistake they just have to be man or woman enough acknowledge they were wrong.

artistall

What you need to understand is that he does not really hate you! He has personal issues that he is trying to resolve within himself that are very difficult for him as he is not mature enough to understand the complexities of these issues. Unfortunately you are the target of his misdirected aggressions. Understanding his problem is the first step towards the healling process! However, maintaining your own emotional well being right now is of greater importance. Once you can discontinue reacting to his behavior you can begin to repair this problem. Always remain calm when dealing with your son. Never let him think that he is pushing your buttons or is in anyway controlling the conversations. Try to get him to own up to his problem and suggest counseling with the understanding that you can no longer cope with his behavior. He is your child and you will always love him therefore let him know that. Give him a smile no matter what! Helping him out is not the problem and is not fueling any fire. Many parents spend fortunes on there children without disasterous results. Your son has a problem which is beyond your capacity as a parent. You need the advice of a professional counselor that you can find locally in your area. Go to your Church or call a family mental health clinic or call AA for a meeting of "Families of Abusers" you will be surprised how many people like yourself go through the same thing. You will meet others that can share with you and hopefully you will find a solution. For now it's up to your son to find the answers to his problems and peace within himself! Don't blame yourself! Good Luck!!

flipz

sorry if this post is too long but here it goes. maybe i could give you a better view from a person my age (your son). from birth to about 15-17 years old our relationship was fine and nothing could be better. at about 17-19 years old we started getting into the biggest fights over nothing and words were exchanged that were horrible. at around these ages, between school, work, friends who you thought were your friends ditch you, relationship problems and just all the pressure on what you want to become in the future. i did not want to admit that to my parents because it would make me feel weak and not a strong indvidual so i ended up taking out all my problems on my mother and even father at times. within seconds of talking with my mom we got into a fight that turned huge and then we avoided each other and made up but it always felt fake because we knew the fight would happen again. i also got a full brainspec test done and it came up that i was bipolar,anxious,adhd and other possible things which also triggered my horrible mood swings and attitude. maybe have a generalized test done to see if its a mental problem or just a phase (research shows that most people dont relieze they have a disorder until after high school when reality hits them... but dont get me wrong i am not saying your son has a disorder or anything, just a opinion based on how you described him and how i felt because i was the same). im 21 now and we dont fight anymore (maybe a little bicker once a month that we laugh about and dont let it go into a fight) and its just a phase alot of teenagers go through because its hard time for them and it turns into taking it out on people who they feel cannot or will give the least punishment (who they could get away yelling at most). at the time i did drugs socially but it didn't effect the fighting because it would happen regardless anywhere we were and if i was sober or not. i know this post is really late but it just signed up to this place and a question i asked came up with your post. take care... jason.

sad mom

Hello

I can't believe that my life has come to me posting about my son hating me. I am devestated. He won't speak to me, he won't pick up the phone...nothing.

He left our home just after he turned 19 and he moved into the home of his 15 year old girl friend. This is NOT my son, but the girl's parents, who are teachers, encouraged the relationship..I won't go into all the details..just suffice it to say that he has told me that:

He hopes I die in a car accident
He wants to bash my head against a steering wheel


This is all after his girlfriend's parents called the police on me because I told that that I was going to have to contact the Teachers Federation if they continuted to counsel my son in the direction of not speaking to me.

I later found out that he told that that I have physcially abused him throughtout his life.

He told his bes friend that I verbally abused him

Why is telling these terrible lies? Why does he hate me so much..he will not tell me...that is part of the pain.....

I don't know..I am not ok right now and maybe I am not making much sense..there is so much to tell...

Sad Mom

ab-solute

I have a 19 year old and it's very challenging at times. I think you did the right thing by having him move out. I didn't appreciate my mother and all she did for me until I had to start doing everything on my own. Teenagers think they know it all and are very self-centered. But, time will pass and most all of us grew up and made it..so don't worry about it too much. Just keep moving on with your life. He should come around.

ishhaa

Dear Sad Mom,
I could tell you stories for days about the pain my son has caused me, about how much he's broken my heart after 20 years of love and effort on my part. Was I perfect? Nope. Did I do everything I did because I loved him. Absolutely. Does it count for anything? Not a bit; not in his head. So what do you do? You have to live. You only get one shot; you only live once. My opinion is that I already wasted 20 years. Why should I waste anymore? This opinion came after YEARS of mourning, heartache, and counseling.

Here's a little snapshot of the most recent things he's done.
My son joined the Army after he flunked out of a semester of school because he was drinking and partying. I'm against the war, so what a great way to get me. Now? He's in Iraq. The Army hasn't done much for his emotional maturity! He sure has learned to be a numb, cold, jerk though. He wouldn't speak to me for over a year. A girlfriend of his (who we were letting live with us - VERY long story) got into his email and bank account because he was cheating on her. I told her this was a bad idea. To cover her own butt, she lied and said I told her to do that! Did he talk to me about it? Nope. He didn't speak to me for over a year. Is this why he's mad at me? Who knows. He was already being a jerk LONG before that!!! Will he tell me what he's mad about? Nope. I found this out from his...wife...and I didn't know he'd gotten married either! (By the way, he's already separated because he cheated on her...with this other girlfriend he'd already been cheating on, who he cheated with on another girlfriend. What a sad person!) On top of that, he didn't tell me he was deployed either time he was deployed - I found this out from the wife I didn't know about, too. Enough of a story to get who this person is?

In fact my son hasn't bothered to be nice to me or his father in probably four years.

My solution? After TONS of counseling, I have made a choice. I choose not to be abused, and that is what his behavior is. He is an adult. This is abuse, plain and simple. I am 100% clear that the more time I spend chasing after him, the more time I'm wasting, and the more I will be hurt. I am 100% clear that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change his behavior.

So Sad Mom, the #1 thing that you can do for yourself is recognize that there is absolutely nothing you can do except take care of you.

Each of us is in charge of our own behavior. It takes two people to work on a relationship. If only one of you is working on the relationship, nothing's going to change. My advice? Move on, no matter how hard it is. Get a really good counselor/psychologist/coach, tell them the whole story to get it off your chest, and then find a way to move forward a little each day. It's worse than mourning; I know. The person isn't dead - they're still walking around hurting you more. I've spent many many days wishing I was dead so I'd never have to think about him again, so I'd never have to be hurt by him again. I've wished I would have had another child. I've wished I would have had an abortion. I've wished all kinds of things, but in the end, it is as it is.

Both of our sons are going to have bad lives until they come back and deal with their momma issues. All we can do is hope they don't hurt too many other people before they figure this out - a boy treats his women the way he treats his momma. Girls, stay away from the boys who have momma issues!

I'm so sorry, Sad Mom. It's really hard to have this in your life when everyone else has kids they're proud of that come home from college on the weekend, or call to let you know they're okay. It sucks, but the sooner you accept it for what it is, the sooner you can have a life again. You deserve it.

Take care of yourself.
CJ