Why does my 23 year old daughter hate me so much? And how can I change this?
Asked Jan 7, 2011, 12:37 PM
My now 23 year old daughter hates me with a passion and won't speak to me. I have loved her unconditionally, paid for everything, including 100% of college, supported her interests, always told her I love her. Her father and I divorced when she was 17, and she obviously blames me. But she has hated me since before that. She hates my new husband and won't speak to him either. And he is the kindest, gentlest, more generous man I've ever met. Clearly, I have spoiled her--everyone tells me that. She picked a fight right before Christmas and we haven't spoken since. I feel that I have to try to reach out to her, but I don't know how and I am actually afraid of her hatred and aggression. What should I do?
I wonder if she would go with you to a counselor to talk about it. Sometimes when things get way off track in a relationship, a third party is useful to help the lines of communication open. I'm sorry you're going through this; it has to be very painful for you.
She may hate you (without knowing why) because she lets you spoil her and pay for everything. And you keep doing it. Causing guilt and anger about feeling guilty, and so on. Try stopping. Tell her 'I love you but am not going to give you anything anymore. You are a grown woman. I hope to see you at Christmas next year, and I hope we can keep in some contact like Facebook.'
There has to be a reason or reasons, for her hating you so much. Whether it is unfounded is beside the point at the moment; that she treats you this way (or any other adult), says she is not being as mature as she should be with conflicts.
Does she still live at home, or does she completely support herself. Are you still providing for her in any way?
Is she employed, and are their siblings, particularly younger.
A little more detail as to her circumstances, as an adult with a college education, would be appreciated.
Try asking her straight what you have done to offend her. If she answers you, think about it carefully and respond appropriately. If she doesn't answer you, let go. Your time of caring for and taking responsibility for your daughter is over now and this is your time for you. Great that you are in a kind and caring relationship. Whether your children are happy, sad, angry, wealthy, poor or anything else is beyond your control. It's OK to let go, you have done your bit.
We do need more info on the beginning causes of possible reasons of her anger. Are there any other siblings that feel the same way she does or who feel your hurt? All I can say in my experience, I have an older brother who is currently angry with my parents, and has been this way for over a year now. Actually he has done this off and on a time or two, first one was over a little mis understanding between his step son and our mom. Which my brother got angry with her for without asking her what actually happened. His step son was 7 years old at the time. Now he is with someone else and apparently his new wife's daughter wanted to go live with her father so she started saying all kinds lies about her mother and my brother to get her way and in the process got my brothers own kids taken away from him, and she finally got to move in with her father. Afterwards DHS found out that she lied about all the stories she was telling. Because they talked to some of the kids at school who knew that she was hurting herself to use as proof to get her way. Nonetheless, my brother still had to go through all kinds of classes and counseling which he had to pay for himself. Obviously he couldn't pay for it all and so he asked my parents if they would take his kids in and adopt them because they didn't want his wife's mother to get a hold of them. Which she was trying to do. His wife told him that she only wanted the kids for the money so they tried my parents but my father is really sick, and my mother as old as she is and has already done her share of raising 8 kids is worn out she told him she couldn't handle two kids (ages 2yrs and 3 yrs.) They tried to help him understand, but he only see's it his way. So now they are angry not talking to my parents. He is still trying to get his kids back. All this while my brother lives on our parents property uses there electricity and water and doesn't help my parents out in any way. They kindly help him in all the ways they can, but they do know how far they can go with that help and my brother still wants more.
So think about in what ways that it all started and try to work that out first. If she has siblings that see your view point. Have them kindly reintroduce her back into a friendly relationship with you. I moved in with my parents for a few months and during that time my brother and my parents were getting along because I would cook and invite them over. We would talk only about happy times and funny things that were happening in our current life. I would also take them bowling which my whole family enjoys doing together. And every one was getting along well. Then I moved back out and all was good for a wile but then it's all back to not talking to each other again. I don't know what I'm going to do with the 4 of them. Except be myself. And treat all of them with the unconditional love I have for all of them.I really don't take sides, cause even I wish I could have taken those kids in. but I can barely take care of the 2 year old I have, being a single mother and all.
Hi there. Please don't take anything I say as a aspersion on your character -- I feel compelled to speak up because you describe my family situation almost exactly. These are lessons that I myself had to learn, and they're very hard ones.
You're asking "how can I change this?" The thing is... it's a fact of life that you cannot change how someone else feels -- not about serious issues, not about minor issues, not about anything. The only person whose emotions you are in control of are your own. Even if you lavished your daughter with gifts, even if her stepfather is perfect, even if you never, ever made a single mistake parenting, there is no 100% surefire way to get the response you want out of her. There's no way to reach inside of her head and force her to see things from a certain point of view. Of course, I'm absolutely NOT saying that she is in the right here, or that she shouldn't be grateful for everything you've done -- I know it must terribly sad and painful for you, but the situation is what it is, and you can only move forward now.
So, it's time for you to take care of yourself and work towards protecting your own emotions. Sit down and think about why you haven't given up on this relationship yet. If you decide that you still want to be in contact with her, make sure it's on terms YOU feel comfortable with -- give only what you want to give her (if that's anything at all); see her at events that are convenient for you; and so on. You don't have to give her any reasons -- in fact, it's better if you don't say anything; it's kind of an "actions speak louder than words" thing. If you firmly and calmly enforce the boundaries you decide for yourself, and don't allow them to be compromised, she will recognize the change in your behavior. She MAY adjust her own behavior in turn, but even if she doesn't, you'll still be in a better place.
Paying for things does not cause hatred, so ignore those who want to blame your kindness.
This is a problem in the emotional make up of your daughter. I have experienced enough of this lately and the desire of others to fault you for a problem that you did not create. Wanting to blame the mother or just plain blaming mothers for situatins with children that no one may understand is a part of the history of parenthood. Ask the mother's of autistic and schizophrenics, they were unjustly balmed for years.
There is some emotional deficit that we don't yet know the cause that is separate from anything you are doing.
When you are doing all you can, then take some comfort in that; but you have to deal with the pain caused by this situation and carry on.
I am glad I read what you wrote about your daughter. I am in the same situation my 22 years old daughter returned from university to continue study for her masters, she now lives at home and SHE HATES ME.
I found not offering her any financial and emotional support and stay clear off her way HELPS a lot.
She does respond better if we text each other only about basic things. She is polite and thankful if I give her my car, but if I ask anything else about current job, friends or boyfriend usually it makes her angry.
I think that looking after myself ignoring that she does not love me or has a personality issue, is the only solution.
I also believe that anger comes from being spoiled and world does not come to them, they are angry at the world but take it out on you
You can write to me at >REMOVED< perhaps we can discuss similarities in our problem ( I am also divorced and live with a new partner) and help each other
hpl1956, you may not put your email on this board, no matter how good your intentions.
I'm not sure the poster will see your reply after a whole year anyway.
I hope it wasn't you who left two negatives. Those are meant for factual errors, not opinion.
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