Why is my 25 year old so selfish, and disrespectful?

A year is way too long. You have created this so called monster by handing everything to her on a gold plated platter. Waiting and waiting and prolonging the inevitable is only going to make the situation worse. Tal is right 30 days is enough notice. Whether she ends up in the streets or not. Should not be a concern if you do think and feel you raised her well. She has a job, and she needs to learn some way how to take care of herself. It is time for tough love. Do not expect her to take it well. There may be a rift to come for years but maybe one day in the future she will be thanking you for being tougher on her. It will not be easy thing to do. This tough love will either teach her to become a lot more responsible on her own and also allow her to make her own mistakes in life and actually deal with whatever consequences there may be. There is not a lot of respect and SHE has to be the one to leave NOT you're husband.

Best of luck with everything.

Sandman10, I'm glad you found some ideas here to help you. I suggested a year's leniency because that's at least how long it's likely to take her to find a full-time job and put away enough cash to actually make a deposit and first month's rent on an apartment. The girl is spoiled, but it's pointless to ask something of her that's nearly impossible in this economy. I have fully-motivated friends and relatives who wound up unemployed for as much as two years despite their best efforts, so I wouldn't expect the task to be any easier for someone without much in the way of work history. There should be landmarks pinpointed (eg: so many job applications/interviews per week; x, y, and z accomplished by some reasonable date) and some oversight over her finances to make sure she can actually make a go of it. That's not coddling; it's common sense. Send her out unprepared in 30 days, and she's absolutely going to fail. Then what?

I suspect that the process of sitting her down and explaining that you will work with her but not put up with her crap anymore will improve her attitude, as will some successes that she can be proud of on her own. It worked with the HS students; it should work with her as well. Just don't be surprised by backsliding until she gets the hang of her new independence. And don't put up with it. Write up a behavior contract with her and both of you sign it and keep copies. If you need help with that, I'll be happy to give you some suggestions. That's the SpEd teacher's classic ace in the hole, and I've rarely known it to fail. Commitment on both sides is the most important part of the plan.

I like DoulaC's suggestion that you hold onto her rent money (without her knowledge, of course) and give it to her as a nest egg when she moves out. Elegant and reinforcing.

She has a full time job. Has had it for at least 3 years and has recieved a few raises and a promotion to supervisor. Not that she makes a lot of money, she is under $20.00 an hour. She does not know how to save her money, she has no extra money and nothing to show for the money she has spent. We have tried to sit down and make a budget for her. I have tried getting her to give me extra money each pay to save for her, that worked for awhile then she needed it and never gave me any more. She works nights so we don't see her a lot, communication is through text and emails. We are going to tell her we will help her budget, find a place ect., but she has to be out by this time next year. We were going to do the rent money thing, my husband has said he was planning on giving both children a down payment on a condo, when they decide to move, so they wont have to waste on rent. I'm thinking we should let her waste a bit first just to make sure she is on the right track before we plop down a large amount. I guess it doesn't matter because she wont be able to get any credit. Already had a collection agency on her, which we bailed her out of, BUT she has paid that back, took forever but she did it. There is obviously, a lot of background that I didn't get into. We have also told her if she wants to go back to school we will pay for that, she has to pay first and show us a certificate/diploma, whatever and we will reimburse. She has her grade 12 and has been to chef's training at George Brown. She is not a total screw up just doesn't seem to know how to interact with others, or maybe it's just us? I was just wondering if there could actually be something wrong with her thought process. I don't understand how she would think writing nasty text messages would get her anywhere? (It's kid stuff as far as I'm concerned) Apprently my husband received more then one. He ended up telling her his heart breaks for her.

Have you ever tried family counselling? I know it sounds like a knee jerk suggestion but it does work.

Me? I couldn't live with the disrespect for another year.

Ah! I see. I agree with the family counseling suggestion. And I have to say that "under $20/hour" is still very good pay! And that she's held the job for 3 years and earned pay increases is a very, very good sign.

Rent and a deadline are still good ideas, but counseling couldn't hurt. It might take an outsider's voice to show her how her childishness is affecting her life and yours. Letting her fly on her own before you buy her a condo is a good plan. I just watched a relative's son blow himself up (figuratively) after Daddy bought him a condo and let him drive the new Mercedes till he could get on his feet. He wrecked not one, not two, but three Mercedes and neglected to pay the mortgage on the condo and only Daddy felt the pinch. Sonny Boy is living on his own in an apartment now--without subsidy from Daddy and without the family credit card--and has a responsible job and is going for an advanced degree. All it took was a pulling of the plug and time (about a year) for the young man (hard to think of nearly 40 as young, but...) to get himself in gear.

I hope your results are as good.

I am like Judy, I don't think I could wait a year, and the first dirty look would bring out the pure evil in me, let alone a dirty word of disrespect. I get loving your kids to death, and okay been known to spoil them, but there are no rewards for bad behavior, just consequences, and mine found out the rules while they were being potty trained.

Its really hard to reteach a 25 year old, but age doesn't matter when you lay out the rules, and ENFORCE them, or they can leave. Non compliance is not an option. Especially if they dare to try me, and that applies to this day.

I bet taking off a door, or throwing cloths and stuff out the window to the yard would grab some attention. A dirty look makes you think!

Under 20 dollars an hour is excellent pay. How do you know that she is not saving any of the money? She might be sitting on a nest egg for all you know. 3 years full time job and a supervisor. She will not end up on the streets if she has to pay her own way.

More excuses, but anyway. Year too long. 30 days good enough. I agree with Tal and Judy.

Counseling is a great idea.

Does anyone know a good family counselor? Even someone to help money manage?

Where do you live in general -- near a city or large town?

Can you get a referral to a counselor from your doctor or a minister or a good friend? The public library will have suggestions for you too -- ask at reference.

Thanks wondergirl, that was a little silly of me, to assume we all lived in the same city!