My 30 year old daughter is emotionally a teenager. She blames me for most of her problems that she deals with. Her teen years were horrible for all of us. We as a family went to counseling to help us over come some of the problems. It helped for a while but then everything seemed to get stuck in the same old rut. It’s been this way for years. How can we go forward? I am sick of feeling like a failure. How can I get her to understand that I am truly sorry if I made her feel bad about her self? I didn’t do it on purpose. I just loved her and tried to teach her right from wrong and to have compassion for other people. She makes it sound like I spent every day wondering how can I make her life miserable?! She seems to blame everyone and thing around her for the bad things that happen to her in life. She moved to the east coast to “get away from CA” because she blamed it for all her “bad luck”. Now I am the problem. I don’t “validate” her feelings and can’t accept her for who she is. She says she wants more for her children than she got as a child. I have told her how proud I am of her and that she is a good mother and she is a hard worker. She really is all of these things. It is just that she can’t get past all those teen issues she had held on to. When is it time to move on and can I help her do that?
p.s. She was adopted as an enfant, her adopted father and I divorced when she was 7. She had a fairly good relationship with her stepfather. She has two children but never married the father and he is not in their lives. She was in a mixed marriage and divorced and is currently in 2nd marriage although she had relations out side of this marriage.
You can help her by changing the channel yourself. Just don't go there anymore in any of your conversations, not just the ones with her but the ones with anybody. Quietly, lovingly, carefully switch the topic again and again and again. If she asks, simply state that you don't talk about that anymore since enough has been said already. Let her be. It is only youself whom you are capable of changing -- but change that and you change everything! If you see yourself getting sucked in again, stop it gently, forgive yourself and regroup. Is this easy? No. Is it doable? Yes. Is it effective? You won't know until you experience it. But I do know that if you "model" how to be "done" with it, she may stand a chance of following suit. Until then, you are asking her to do that which you are not doing yourself.
Val gave you awesome advice (sorry Val, gotta spread the love).
Yes, the only person you can change is you. If you have done all you can do then it is time to take care of yourself. No one can make your daughter feel better about herself than her. She is a grown woman and it is time for her to stop blaming you and start taking responsibility for herself. You did the best with what you knew at the time.
Never blame yourself for the mess that your children makes of their lives. For whatever reason they chose to do their own thing and what they want to do, despite good loving parents who busted their butts to raise them!! Next time she rants and acts a fool tell her its her problem and you just don't want to hear it.
Thank you Val for your insight and advice. You are so right, I am the one who needs to change first. All of you who have posted have given me a lot of hope and its good to know there is someone "out there" who is hearing me. Sometimes I feel so alone. Thanks again to everyone.
I have had friends that were adopted. Some say they have a sense of being unloved. I am not sure if that comes from feelings while still in the woumb or just knowing that their parents gave them up. Adopted parents often give too much and try to make all of those feelings go away and often the child becomes a mess. You do have to change your reactions. You also need to let her know she is responsible for her own actions. That is a number one lesson I feel all children should learn at a young age. I do not know what her teen problems were, but if all of you went to counseling, you did your part. She needs to realize the decisions she has made are ones she made, if they were wrong she has to take responsibility for them. She is never going to be ok until she realizes she has to take the consequences for her actions and not blame you or anyone else. Val gave you some great suggestions that will help you. But for your daughter to move forward she has got to stop blaming others and she is certainly not going to like hearing that.
What you need to do is let go of any guilt she is pushing on you. She is manipulating you by saying things such as I want more for my children. I am sure that makes you feel like, Oh, I failed her.
If she is having affairs, she is seeking love from outside when she should be loving herself and can't seem to. I really feel for you, I have heard this story from many adopted parents. You need to take care of you and know you did your best, these are her issues, not yours and you did not create them.
K3 thank you for your post. I think you are right about loving herself first. She was told she was adopted at a young age and as a teen she made attempts to find her birth parents. When I told her that I would help she dropped the subject all together. I feel fortunate to have found this site. It is such a relief to unload all these feelings. Looking at my problem through different eyes helps me too. Thanks again
Question: Does your daughter ever take responsibility (or "blame") for how things in her life have turned out?
Certain people in this world always need someone else to blame for their problems. It's a two-fold solution for them: They get attention and sympathy from their drama, plus they don't have to do anything to help themselves because they "didn't do anything wrong" and "it's not their fault".
I'm not sure what you mean by "mixed marriage", but since she is has already cheated on her 2nd marriage, I'm going to guess that she loves the drama and high emotion she creates for herself. To me, that suggests that the blame put on you is just another emotional high she gets.
As an approach to resolving this, I agree with Val's steps. Don't get caught up in the past any longer ..
K3 thank you for your post. I think you are right about loving herself first. She was told she was adopted at a young age and as a teen she made attempts to find her birth parents. When I told her that I would help she dropped the subject all together. I feel fortunate to have found this site. It is such a relief to unload all these feelings. Looking at my problem through different eyes helps me too. Thanks again
I have friends that have adopted children and they all had problems some what like you are having. That is not always true as I have a friend that was adopted and is wonderful, but her adopted brother left home at 18 and they hardly hear from him. I think your daughter felt abandoned by her parents and then her adopted father. Children see things differenty as they are and that could be in the back of her mind and she does not realize it. She may be unloveable and unwanted. You have always given her unconditional love and let her blame you for things she should have taken responsibility for. By having affairs on her husband shows she is looking for some validation of love outside herself. It also could be she has no respect and regard for others and only wants what she wants and will do anything to get it. Whatever the cause, you would know more than anyone. Do not take on her issues or let her put guilt on you. You did not give her life, but you did give her love and a home. She needs to appreciate thatand she does need to be responsible for her own actions.
I wish you strength.
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