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    miamor10192007's Avatar
    miamor10192007 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 18, 2009, 08:42 PM
    MY teen daughter is having sex. What should I do?
    My daughter is 14 almost 15. She has a boyfriend that is 18 yrs old. Despite my protests I haven't been able to keep her from seen him. She went to live with her dad for 6 months at the beginning of the year. She was not happy living with her dad and came back to live with me. I spoke with her boyfriend and told him that I was against their relationship and since I can't be with her 24 hours they would have to go by my terms. If Ihe has sex with her with her consent it was still a crime. I told her the same. Today I found out theyare having sex. I confronted her and she didn't deny it. I told her that it has emotional and health risks not to mention pregnancy. She is so mad at me and wants to go back to live with her dad. I hate to see her leave but I don't know what to do. If she stays she will find ways to see her boyfriend behind my back. What should I do?
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #2

    Sep 18, 2009, 08:46 PM

    You're her mother. It's not up to her where she lives. What is this 18 year old think he's doing with your little girl? Sounds like you've been all talk and no action. Get a restraining order against him. No 18 year old boy has any business messing around with a 14 year old.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #3

    Sep 18, 2009, 08:52 PM

    Since you can't realistically confine her to the house indefinitely,I would be certain that she is on the pill ,or some form of contraception that she can remember to take and using a condom as well.
    I would also look into getting her inoculated against HPV.

    Living with Dad may make her stop having sex with the 18 yr.old but it is no guarantee she will not be sexually active with someone else.

    I am not trying to encourage or in any way condone her behavior but I think she is going to find a way to do it and it is better to be safe than sorry.

    I would also have a long discussion about self respect and self esteem and help her to understand the complicated nature of intimacy and what kind of a message is she putting out there about herself.

    I do not envy you your position.
    zippit's Avatar
    zippit Posts: 693, Reputation: 117
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    #4

    Sep 18, 2009, 09:25 PM

    I would put some serious fear in this boy(make sure his parents know what he is doing),and the only reason I'm not saying turn him in for stautory <sp.check> rape is that I don't know more about him and what he may do to you in retaliation if your not afraid of that turn him in

    Give her the my house my rules treatment
    Along with what artlady's advise was
    Stand by it if she gets mad and goes to Daddy you can't stop that she will proubably find several issues in the future where she threatens that all you can do is show her you have her best interest in mind weather she sees it that way or not
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #5

    Sep 18, 2009, 09:25 PM
    In Australia it is against the law for an 18 year old to have sex with a 14-15 year old.

    You are the parent. Put your foot down and tell him that you'll report him to the police. Tell her as well.

    Tell her father what is going on and ask for his assistance in dealing with her (and the BF if needs be).

    She is a minor. You have a duty of care. Tell her while she's in your house she sticks by your rules and that she will live where you decide, not her.

    Explain that you are doing it because you love her - she won't believe you but she needs to know.
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
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    #6

    Sep 18, 2009, 09:39 PM

    No matter how many times my mother told me not to have sex I still did it.

    If I were you I would:
    -Take her to planned parenthood or a clinic. Help her get sex educated. Let the nurse talk to her about, diseases, AIDS, pregnancy and contraception.
    -Get her contraception.
    -Have her get a part time job to pay for the contraception. If she wants to make and adult decision to have sex then she has to work as adults do. Have her even pay a portion of your monthly bills.
    -Invite the 18 year old boy over, have a talk with him with your daughter's father present if possible. Let him know that having sex with her can put him in jail for statutory rape. Let him know that if he is dating your daughter he needs to respect her.
    -If they go out on dates let them go on group dates, not alone.
    -Give her a curfew. Anything past 10 is asking for it.
    -Make house dates, let the boyfriend come over, let them watch movies, but do not allow them to go in her room.

    I know it's hard to think, why would I approve of this 18 year old kid? But the truth is she thinks she loves him, once she thinks you approve she'll eventually get tired of him. Really. Try it. Of course always keep an eye out and if there is bad behavior such as:
    -coming late from curfew
    -finding out she had sex with the boy
    -bad grades

    Then you should take away her privileges-- and also call the police if he did have sex with her.

    If you keep nagging her to not have sex and threaten her with different things she will just sneak off with the boy and do it. Trust me, teens invented the saying "when there's a will there's a way".

    Go to the clinic, get her informed, push her to get a part time job, get her contraception, and get to know the boy a little more.

    ... after all aren't you supposed to keep your enemies close;)

    Good luck mom!

    Sarah
    CanadianCrook's Avatar
    CanadianCrook Posts: 60, Reputation: 7
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    #7

    Sep 19, 2009, 06:29 AM

    ^ Sarah pretty much just summed it up.

    Your daughter by law is your responsibility and has to listen to her guardian until she turns 16. Unfortunately with teenagers, the more you go against them the more they go against you.

    She is going to be sexually active either way with this man, so either get her on the pill or make sure they have condoms (make them pay for them).

    Of course there is no guarantee that the condoms will be used so I would stick with using the pill.

    If you haven't already, take her to a doctor and a clinic and make sure she is well educated. That is the first thing you need to do.
    zippit's Avatar
    zippit Posts: 693, Reputation: 117
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    #8

    Sep 19, 2009, 06:42 AM

    Yes well put sarah!

    I re-cant my advise on putting fear in the boy

    That was the father coming out again!

    And it does not work anything you do to break

    Them up only makes them stronger
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #9

    Sep 19, 2009, 06:52 AM

    I agree with all the above posts.

    This is going to be a tough one,an 18 year old is going to get fed up with a 14 year old when there are shaprones present and rules attached... he will go of his own accord.

    Your daughter will be heart broken,she's going to need you.

    If she sees you as the one who broke them up,she won't talk to you,and you won't know what's going on...

    Thread carefully,your involvement is going to require some devious thinking,whatever you decide to do.. at the end of the day,you can balance the books by saying you did your job,and protected your daughter.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #10

    Sep 19, 2009, 07:57 AM

    I disagree with the others to some extent. Since you have already told the boyfriend that having sex with your daughter is a crime, then back it up. Go to the police or local prosecutor and report it. If you want to give him one more chance, go to his parents and tell them if you find out he's come near your daughter again, you WILL swear out a warrant against him. But frankly I wouldn't wait. You already warned them once. This is too serious to be wishy washy.

    I'm also not sure I would provide her with contraception. It's a very hard call to make, but I really think she is too young to be engaging in sexaul actvity at all.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #11

    Sep 19, 2009, 08:02 AM

    Why is the boy not in jail at this point, have you talked to the boys parents and told them
    mudweiser's Avatar
    mudweiser Posts: 2,750, Reputation: 707
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    #12

    Sep 19, 2009, 09:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    I disagree with the others to some extent. Since you have already told the boyfriend that having sex with your daughter is a crime, then back it up. Go to the police or local prosecutor and report it. If you want to give him one more chance, go to his parents and tell them if you find out he's come near your daughter again, you WILL swear out a warrant against him. But frankly I wouldn't wait. You already warned them once. This is too serious to be wishy washy.
    Thanks for the new perspective. I agree with this!



    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem
    I'm also not sure I would provide her with contraception. Its a very hard call to make, but I really think she is too young to be engaging in sexaul actvity at all.
    Well I don't think she should be having sex either. Heck when my daughter is that age I know I'm going to pee myself if she were to be in this situation. Having a daughter, just thinking of getting her contraception will be hard. However, I would rather have her be protected then end up with a disease or an unwanted pregnancy.

    I would also suggest going to counseling with her. There may be some sort of hurt behind all of this mess.

    Sarah
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #13

    Sep 19, 2009, 10:08 AM

    Counseling is a great idea. At the very least it will hopefully help to improve the communication. She needs to learn to work things out, she can't just run away from something every time she doesn't like it.
    CanadianCrook's Avatar
    CanadianCrook Posts: 60, Reputation: 7
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    #14

    Sep 19, 2009, 10:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    why is the boy not in jail at this point, , have you talked to the boys parents and told them
    I think that is a little harsh. You don't know this young man, he could easily be a kid with a good head on his shoulders. He is dating a younger girl which obviously means to be more aware of rules and what is and not right. They are dating, if he raped her / beat her or made her have sex with him.. that is a different story.

    Yes, the law allows certain age differences to get involved in sexual activity. But throwing your daughters boyfriend in jail? Your daughter is not going to talk or have respect for you for a long time.
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #15

    Sep 19, 2009, 10:53 AM

    I think there's a reason it's called statutory RAPE. It's not like she's just a few months or a year younger than him. He's 18. She's 14. He knows better. He should know better at least, then to be getting in bed with a little girl. Because that's exactly what she is right now. She's still a little girl. He has no business being with her. What 18 year old (legally an adult) with a good head on their shoulders gets into bed with a little girl? This mother already said NO SEX. She told them what the rules are. At the very least this guy is a bad influence. He's helping the daughter break the rules.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #16

    Sep 19, 2009, 11:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by CanadianCrook View Post
    I think that is a little harsh. You don't know this young man, he could easily be a kid with a good head on his shoulders. He is dating a younger girl which obviously means to be more aware of rules and what is and not right. They are dating, if he raped her / beat her or made her have sex with him.. that is a different story.

    Yes, the law allows certain age differences to get involved in sexual activity. But throwing your daughters boyfriend in jail? Your daughter is not going to talk or have respect for you for a long time.
    There is a reason its called Age of CONSENT. Generally a 14 yr old girl is not mature enough to have a sexual relationship. So the law protects such a minor by not allowing them to be legally able to conset to sex.

    The fact is this 18 yr old broke the law by having sex with a minor. Especially since he was warned that it was against the law. So, no, I do not feel it is harsh at all. An 18 yr old having any relationship with a 14 yr old is highly questionable. To be having sex with a minor is even more questionable, and its illegal!

    This mother needs to protect her daughter. Yes it might cause a rift between them, but that's preferable to the alternatives. I do agree we know little about this boy. But we know that he ignored the mother's warnings and the legal consequences and engaged in sexual activity with a minor. That's enough for me!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #17

    Sep 19, 2009, 01:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by zippit View Post
    I would put some serious fear in this boy(make sure his parents know what he is doing),and the only reason im not saying turn him in for stautory <sp.check> rape is that i dont know more about him and what he may do to you in retaliation if your not afraid of that turn him in

    give her the my house my rules treatment
    along with what artlady's advise was
    stand by it if she gets mad and goes to Daddy you can't stop that she will proubably find several issues in the future where she threatens that all you can do is show her you have her best interest in mind weather she sees it that way or not

    I would not be intimidated by an 18 year old boy nor would I allow a 14 year old daughter to call the shots. If you can't control her behavior at 14, what are you going to do when she's 16?

    He is breaking the Law. Your daughter could get pregnant or could end up with any number of sexually transmitted diseases. Pregnancy might very well be the least of your/her problems.

    I say you have to take a stand - I would report this to the Police. I would care little if my daughter were angry with me. It is your responsibility to protect your daughter in every way, whether it makes her angry or not. There are actually cases where a parent lost custody for allowing underage sex.

    As was said above - with apologies to the person who said it - I don't envy you your position here.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #18

    Sep 19, 2009, 04:33 PM
    He is an adult, or of adult age. He can enter the service and go defend our country. He can make his own decisions. He can do whatever any of us(of age) can do .

    He is also old enough to know that it's AGAINST THE LAW to be having sex with your daughter. Tell his parents that their son is about to be arrested for stautory rape, and put on the sex offender list. I know that's harsh, but she is NOT of age.

    She's 14? No way would I allow her to carry on like this.

    She also should live wherever YOU tell her to live.

    She has tasted the forbidden fruit.

    Do you really think that she's going to stop having sex?

    Mudweiser made some good points about birth control, counseling, and her getting a job.

    But for now, I would separate these two before you have a grandchild on your hands.

    I wish for you peace and patience.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #19

    Sep 19, 2009, 04:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ScottGem View Post
    There is a reason its called Age of CONSENT. Generally a 14 yr old girl is not mature enough to have a sexual relationship. So the law protects such a minor by not allowing them to be legally able to conset to sex.

    The fact is this 18 yr old broke the law by having sex with a minor. Especially since he was warned that it was against the law. So, no, I do not feel it is harsh at all. An 18 yr old having any relationship with a 14 yr old is highly questionable. To be having sex with a minor is even more questionable, and its illegal!!

    This mother needs to protect her daughter. Yes it might cause a rift between them, but that's preferable to the alternatives. I do agree we know little about this boy. But we know that he ignored the mother's warnings and the legal consequences and engaged in sexual activity with a minor. That's enough for me!
    This girl is choosing to be sexually active.

    Fourteen year old boys are sexually active.

    If not this eighteen year old then possibly another boy of the same age.

    Getting this boy in trouble and placing a rape charge on him that will follow him for the rest of his life is punishing him unfairly and it is no guarantee that she will not continue being active with another.

    She needs to understand the dynamics of her sexuality and act accordingly.

    Many young girls are sexually active for the wrong reasons and that is where Mom comes into the picture to help her understand her blossoming sexuality.

    If you understand that males lag in maturity by a few years to females,you can't say conclusively that this boy was the one who initiated the sex.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #20

    Sep 19, 2009, 05:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    This girl is choosing to be sexually active.
    We don't know how much choice she had. As the product of a divorce, she may have been very vulnerable to an older by offering her affection.

    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    Fourteen year old boys are sexually active.

    If not this eighteen year old then possibly another boy of the same age.
    That's certainly a possibility, but not a probability.

    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    Getting this boy in trouble and placing a rape charge on him that will follow him for the rest of his life is punishing him unfairly and it is no guarantee that she will not continue being active with another.
    No its not. In fact, now that this boy has indoctrnated her, there is certainly a greater possibility that she will seek out other partners. And that is another reason this boy should be punished. I would tend to agree with you if the boy hadn't been warned. But he was and ignored those warnings and flouted the law.

    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    She needs to understand the dynamics of her sexuality and act accordingly.
    Definitely!

    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    Many young girls are sexually active for the wrong reasons and that is where Mom comes into the picture to help her understand her blossoming sexuality.
    And this may be such a case. As I said earlier this girl may have been more vulnerable because of her family situation. And there is a good chance this boy took advantage of that.

    Quote Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    If you understand that males lag in maturity by a few years to females,you can't say conclusively that this boy was the one who initiated the sex.
    That doesn't matter one iota. He is old enough to know better and was warned about the law.

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