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Step son and vacations

Asked Apr 27, 2009, 06:09 AM — 22 Answers
My husband and I have custody of our 10 year boy (always have). He visits his mom irregularly, on average one week-end a month. For the past 3 years, we have been doing some major renovations on our house, mostly ourselves, no contractors. We get tired and busy and we both work hectic schedules.

We like to take a week once a year to get away just the two of us, it does a world of good. We come back re-energized and well. Lately our son has been making us feel guilty about not bringing him with us on vacation. We usually take him camping on a week-end, or visit places but never longer than a week-end here or there because my husband doesn't have enough vacation time to be able to go somewhere for longer more than once a year.

I understand my step son's view point and know that he would really enjoy coming with us (and we would enjoy having him) but at the same time, I really feel we need this time alone as a couple, it does wonders to our relationship. We've tried explaining this to him but he just pouts and doesn't really care about the explanation.

Sometimes I feel bad about not bringing him with us and other times I feel like he's being a little spoiled. We live in a wooded area, he's had a dirt bike since he was 6 years old. He has a new snowboard each year, xbox 360, more toys than he can play with, he's not missing anything on the entertainment front, let's just put it that way. We spend quality time with him, but as I said before, not for one consecutive week at a time.

I guess my question is whether from an outside perspective we are right to insist on this vacation being just the two of us or are we overlookng some fundamental need my step-son has, that we just aren't seeing?

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DoulaLC's Avatar
DoulaLC Posts: 8,463, Reputation: 8041
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#2

Apr 27, 2009, 10:24 AM
He obviously enjoys spending time with the two of you and doing family things....enjoy it while it lasts because there will come a time where he is not as interested!

Maybe there is a reason he doesn't want to be at his mothers for that long of a time. Could he perhaps spend part of that time staying with a friend's family? This would make it a bit of a vacation for him as well.

Would it help if he gets to choose some places to go for the week-end outings? A compromise....you and dad go on your vacation and he gets to choose some of the places to go for the week-end outings.

Or.....How about a week long family vacation and then you and your husband take mini-vacations on several of the weekends he is at his mother's? This would actually give the two of you even more time away and more frequent breaks to reconnect as a couple.
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Dragonfly1234's Avatar
Dragonfly1234 Posts: 161, Reputation: 240
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#3

Apr 27, 2009, 10:48 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaLC View Post
He obviously enjoys spending time with the two of you and doing family things....enjoy it while it lasts because there will come a time where he is not as interested!

Maybe there is a reason he doesn't want to be at his mothers for that long of a time. Could he perhaps spend part of that time staying with a friend's family? This would make it a bit of a vacation for him as well.

Would it help if he gets to choose some places to go for the week-end outings? A compromise....you and dad go on your vacation and he gets to choose some of the places to go for the week-end outings.

Or.....How about a week long family vacation and then you and your husband take mini-vacations on several of the weekends he is at his mother's? This would actually give the two of you even more time away and more frequent breaks to reconnect as a couple.
Thanks, good suggestions. On a side note, he stays at his grandmother's when we're away for one week, and he really enjoys it there.
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artlady's Avatar
artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 7451
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#4

Apr 27, 2009, 11:15 AM
I think it is perfectly normal for you and your husband to have this time alone ,without any distractions or obligations.

I also think your son is of an age where he could go to a summer camp or even a day camp situation.

He is old enough that you can explain to him that couples need this time alone to regroup and that it is a time for romance.It is good for him to know that relationships take work and this is an aspect of keeping your marriage happy and whole.

Remind him how much he is loved but I think its perfectly acceptable for you to maintain your firmness on this issue.
If more couples did what you do ,the divorce rates might not be so high.

As much as we love our kids ,we have to remember that our marriage is equally important.So many parents always put the kids first and then when the nest is empty they are total strangers who have lost touch.
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excon's Avatar
excon Posts: 21,002, Reputation: 15475
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#5

Apr 27, 2009, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234 View Post
I guess my question is whether from an outside perspective we are right to insist on this vacation being just the two of us or are we overlookng some fundamental need my step-son has, that we just aren't seeing?
Hello D:

Yes you are. You say you take him places but never for longer than a weekend... That's backwards! If you want time for yourselves, YOU take the weekends, but the week long vacation should be for family.

In a few years, you'll be able to take lots of time off when he doesn't want to be with you. Now, he does, and now he should be.

By the way, I was put off by your list of toys you buy him, as though that somehow should matter. It doesn't.

excon
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Dragonfly1234's Avatar
Dragonfly1234 Posts: 161, Reputation: 240
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#6

Apr 27, 2009, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by excon View Post

By the way, I was put off by your list of toys you buy him, as though that somehow should matter. It doesn't.

excon
That was to show that his position is not motivated by lack of 'entertainment', thought it was important to mention it so that it doesn't seem as though he wants to come with us because he's bored, that's not the reason.

I understand both your suggestions, the only problem I find with that is that when we go away as a couple for a week-end, it doesn't seem long enough to de-connect and re-energize. I find it takes us a couple of days to start relaxing which is why week-ends don't seem to have the same benefits as that one week.
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DoulaLC's Avatar
DoulaLC Posts: 8,463, Reputation: 8041
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#7

Apr 27, 2009, 12:12 PM
How much vacation time does your husband get? Does he get any personal days that could be used? Would the possibility of one week for a family vacation and one week for a couple vacation be possible? It may be too late for this year if he has already taken time off, but for future reference perhaps.
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Dragonfly1234's Avatar
Dragonfly1234 Posts: 161, Reputation: 240
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#8

Apr 27, 2009, 12:17 PM
That would solve the problem wouldn't it. But unfortunately there is only one week available to us for vacation. He gets another week which we use to stay at his mothers to help get her 'winter-ready'. And yes, my step son is with us during that week.
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excon's Avatar
excon Posts: 21,002, Reputation: 15475
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#9

Apr 27, 2009, 12:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly1234 View Post
I understand both your suggestions, the only problem I find with that is that when we go away as a couple for a week-end, it doesn't seem long enough to de-connect and re-energize. I find it takes us a couple of days to start relaxing which is why week-ends don't seem to have the same benefits as that one week.
Hello again, D:

I'm sure that what you say is true. However, at this age, your priority should be with with your son. Your needs come second.

Believe me, in a few years you can have all the time to yourselves you want.

excon
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DoulaLC's Avatar
DoulaLC Posts: 8,463, Reputation: 8041
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#10

Apr 27, 2009, 12:21 PM
Another possible compromise then.....an extended week-end for you as a couple so that you have a few extra days over just a week-end and then a few days after for a family trip.
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