At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
I am having a great deal of problems trying to figure out how exactly we should dicipline our children. My husband believes in spanking yet rarely has to because the kids really listen to him. I think a good swat on the bum might be okay but I would like some other opinions. Thanks.
Maybe a combination. You can complain and get more work or you can just do it without the grumping around and then go do something you really want to do.
Well I guess I'm an oddball like NeedKarma because I don't spank either. I have been pretty tempted though, especially lately!
I might spank in a situation like Janine described... if the child puts themselves in grave danger. I would want them to remember a situation like that so they wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't spank for whining, though. I have a whiner (almost 5) who also used to throw bad temper tantrums, but my way of dealing with it is to ignore him completely. I don't acknowledge the whining at all, with any kind of attention, bad or good. I will walk out of the room, talk to someone else, pretend he isn't even there. It sounds mean, but my mother recommended it to me and it actually works very well. As soon as he speaks in a normal voice again I acknowledge him. I've found that he whines a lot less now. It's taken a lot of patience but it's working.
I also take away privileges, as Rick and others mentioned. If the kid continues to misbehave I continue to take away privileges until they have nothing and have to start earning everything back... I learned that from Dr. Phil, haha. But it seems to work, too. My 9 year old nephew is staying with us right now, and we've done that with him. When he first arrived, he was probably the worst behaved kid I've ever seen (!!), and since he's the oldest child, the others were all following his lead. Over the course of 2 days or so we have stripped his room of all the stuff he likes, his games, books, etc. I feel especially mean doing it given his recent circumstances, but it was obvious he was trying to run the household, and we had to stop it before it got worse. This morning there was a real difference in him, and he asked (nicely, wow!) how he could earn back his stuff.
Regardless of whether you spank or not, being consistent, following through on threats, and the adults being a united front and agreeing on discipline are all really important. And really hard to do, but definitely worth the work.
Regardless of whether you spank or not, being consistent, following through on threats, and the adults being a united front and agreeing on discipline are all really important. And really hard to do, but definitely worth the work.
I think this will be what I can stick to the most. I will have to work on this one. Consistency, consistency, consistency. We are united for the most part. My husband tends to say things when he's angry. We will keep working together. It is hard when you are alone for weeks on end but I guess that means I should get away from them for a little while. I think it would mean a much better me for the kids. They know I am not consistent and they feed on that.
The problem I have with taking things away, is where do I put it? Where do I put all of the stuff I am taking away? I think deep down I am kind of a softy.
Today my 11 year old daughter came home with a grade of 61% on her science test.
She doesn't have trouble in school, she was just too lazy to study. This is not acceptable in our family. Her friend is having a birthday party on Friday. Any ideas of what a fair punishment would be?
*I thought maybe grounding from the party and for the weekend.
She was so upset and she had no idea what to expect as a punishment and I think that was frustrating for her. (Like Dr. Phil says "children should be able to predict the consequence to their actions 100%. Mine obviously can't.)
Well, 61% is that so bad? Really? My daughter (12) is a straight A student and she came home with a 57% on a Science test. No, I feel that it is not acceptable, but I do know that she studied and knew the material, but the test was rough. She punished herself worse than I could.
You cannot expect perfection. If you punish her for one grade you will harm her ego. As I tell Rae, "I know it was a bad grade, and you don't have many, so I am sure it will not happen again."
Your daughter was probably embarrassed to bring that home. Remember, psychologically you can do a lot of harm to a child by punishing and rewarding for grades. Really, 61% on one grade, will that make or break her for the year? Nah, it won't let her punish herself. It is actually worse than what you could do.
This one is a tough one. I like all the answers given. I don't think any of them were necessarily right or worng because each child is different. Need and Orange, I don't think you're oddballs because that is what works for you. I believe in spanking but also not in excess. I also belive you need to be consistent with the punishment or at least follow through with the punishments threatened at the time. I am going through a similiar thing with my 2 1/2 year old. He blatenly disobeys me. I have spanked him more than I have wanted to but not hard just a little swat. He hates it when I do it but goes right back at it. We have taken away toys before. We also try to give our son positive reinforcement when he does good things. We try to praise him when doing good and even give him back one of his toys we took away if he has been good. We also explain why we are giving this back. Some say he is too young to understand but I think he understands enough to know what is good and bad behavior.
I would keep the spanking at a minimal. Like Rick said, for repeat offenses.
J9, I wouldn't be punishing so much for the grade except that she admitted to be lazy. She didn't study, didn't even try and that's the part that I think we need to deal with. That's the frustrating part. (Maybe I should copy the test and make her do it again after she's spent a little time on it...maybe not?) You are right, she was very upset when she came home from school.
PS...this has been happening a lot this last month. I know part of it is it's June and the kids just want to be enjoying the weather, and schools almost done, and...
The problem I have with taking things away, is where do I put it? Where do I put all of the stuff I am taking away? I think deep down I am kind of a softy.
We put Liam's things (and the other kids' things, if and when they get taken away) in the closet in the master bedroom. The master bedroom is off limits to the kids when we are not in there. This sounds way harsh, but it was my mom's idea... she said if they "steal" the things back, throw them in the garbage or donate them to charity!!! So we've told Liam that if he takes something back without permission he will never see it again. Of course I wouldn't do that with a very personal item like a diary or something special given to him by his mother. But most toys and games are not like that and can be easily replaced.
I understand being a softie, I certainly feel like being less tough on him and the others, but with 6 kids in the house there has to be order and consequences, otherwise I think we're all going to go insane.
Quote:
Originally Posted by aqua@home
Today my 11 year old daughter came home with a grade of 61% on her science test.
She doesn't have trouble in school, she was just too lazy to study. This is not acceptable in our family. Her friend is having a birthday party on Friday. Any ideas of what a fair punishment would be?
I wouldn't punish her, either. If her marks are consistently good, this might be just a one-time event, or it could be due to stress or some other problem she's having at home or at school. I would explore all those possibilities before concluding that she's lazy. If you're certain she's being lazy though, I would just tell her that I expect her to get a good mark next time. And I would supervise her studying, to make sure she's putting enough time in, tell her she needs to study before watching TV or calling friends, etc. And if the marks continued to be bad, I would hire a tutor. I don't think punishing her is a very good idea in this situation, because if she has any aversion to studying at all, punishments will just make it worse.
Chava, you have a good point about making studying a problem for her. That is something I do not want to do. I guess I will just have to make sure she studies. I will have to make it more of a priority. Time, time, time, something we never have enough of. Thanks again.
Linear Mode
