Hello out there,
I have seen a lot of comments on problematic daughters in law but none on sons in law.
The problems I have with my son in law are almost the same as many mothers in law
have with their daughers in law. Before my daughter became a mother to a lovely three year old boy I did not notice much apart from that he was a bit special and very close to his family. What disturbs me about him is that he is rude and gets annoyed on the phone when I (or my husband) phone and want to speak with my daughter which I do as little as possible. When we are there which is not very often either he does not show off the first 15 minutes (to show us he does not give a sh...about us). I think it is rude and disrespectful. I do not expect him to like us but I would like some respect which we do not get. Lately he has been like that to our other daughter and she is fed up with him. I think he lacks social intelligence. This of course makes everything more difficult us being grand parents now and having family relations. It seems that his parents come whenever they please and as my daughter and husband have very little time as they both work, the time they have is occupied by his mother and father and other family members. She sees my grandson very often. I feel ignored by them as if we don't exist. I worry a lot and it puts a lot of strain on my nerves. Sometimes I think maybe my daughter prefers her in-laws to us. That is hard to bear because then I have to ask myself where did I go wrong. I thought we had a good relationship with our daughter. Now it is as if this woman tries to pull my daughter over to their family. I know it looks as if I am jealous but I am just very hurt and angry at this woman for her inconsideration. Sometimes I just want to give up the battle (a terrible word - I don't want it to be a battle). My daughter is expecting another baby and I am not even looking forward to it as I expect the whole thing will even get worse. To his advantage I must say that he seems to get on well with my daughter (or she is not telling me everything) and seems to be a good father. I dread for the future. Can somebody give me som good advice? Should I just give up? I mean I cannot change him. I don't know what to do.

redhed35

a difficult situation for you.

for the most part,try and keep an open communication with your daughter,whatever influence he has over her as her husband..well.it is as it is.

as much as it urks you,try not to be argue with him or bad mouth him to your daughter.

offer to babysit your grandchild,maybe they woulod like to go out.
if they decline the offer,leave it on the table,maybe they will take up the offer when the baby comes.

dont interfer with them,keep your opinions to yourself,i know how that sounds,but i mean it in a nice way.

unless you are asked directly for advice or an opinion,dont offer it.

arrange a time during the week when to phone your daughter,she will be expecting it and so will he,he sounds a little controlling from your post so let him think he has a little control.

berna555

Hej Redhed35
Thanks for your comment. Well I knew all along that the bedst thing to do is "nothing".
Also the most difficult. I supposte for our duaghters sake we have to put up with everything.

redhed35

you should not put up with being disrespected...choose your battles carefully and try not to alienate your daughter.

dont give him any ammunition against you,or reason to question your motives.

berna555

Should I say something to my daughter why we keep such a distance (because he
talks to us the way he does and seems so displeased when we show up). I think she knows but does not know what to do about it. Also she hates conflicts. Well the alternative for us if we do not want to be treated disrespectful is to keep away and that is difficult. It would suit his mother very well if we just disappeared then she can have the grand children all to herself.

redhed35

for me,i would see it as your daughter would defend her husband,proper order really,could you arrange a shopping visit or maybe she could visit you,make a fuss over your grandson.

dont put pressure on your daughter,really no one knows what goes on behind closed doors,if your son in law does not like you,most likely she knows this,its up to her to say she wants you in her life.

keep things on an even keel,be open and nice,but do not let him disrespect you,would he do the same thing to a stranger?

if he does,do stand up for yourself,but you dont have to argue with him.

berna555

It is not that easy not to let him disrespect me. If we visit and he keeps busy somewhere
in the house without coming to greet us we get very annoyed but do not say anything because of our daughter and what an afternoon that would be if we said anything to him.
I feel we have to watch our steps all the time. It is so exhausting and it is as if we cannot be ourselves. I know next time he says something to me without my daughter being present he will get a piece of my mind.
On the other hand, as I wrote he lacks social intelligence and never does anything wrong.
After the things he said to my other daughter he wrote her a mail. Not apologizing no,
just something about misunderstanding bla bla and only because his wife, our daughter
was distressed about the whole thing. You can see what we are dealing with here.
I am going on a long holiday on saturday and I really need to get away because this thing keeps going round in my head and I can see no light in the tunnel.

Jake2008

I look at this situation a bit differently. In particular, because you and your son in law, have a relationship, and as bad as it is, your daughter is unwilling to expect him to change, so he's comfortable in the relationship he has with you.

I also wonder why you don't speak with him directly. That example you sited, of him going elsewhere when you are around. I would have followed him, and just asked him point blank, "What is it that I'm doing to cause this rift between us."

For you to be in the middle of the two of them, puts pressure on them, and their marriage. And that is where you are when you deal only with your daughter, and not him directly.

You are also expecting that talking to your daughter, and she will talk to him, will only continue to put her on the spot.

At best you are getting third had information.

He may not be telling your daughter the truth as he sees it, because he knows it would upset her. He could be keeping his distance because of a misunderstanding; it's possible.

Failing to address the person directly who controls access to grandchildren, is the one you need to talk to.

If you can clear the air with him, all the better. But, be prepared for what he has to say, because you may not like it or agree with it. Whatever his reasons are, you will have to find a way to accept them, so that you can be active in their lives again.

Even if he forever keeps you at arm's length, your daughter will be happier, and you will be too. You don't have to like her choice in men even, just respect him as the decision maker, and how you handle him, will determine how big a role you will play.

madhatter22

Hi, I just posted a message about this similar situation. We are totally being left out of our daughters life because he husband wants her to be only a part of "his" family. My feelings are so hurt that she chooses her MIL over her own mother, that I feel like depression is setting in and I am not going to be able to cope with any of this. She has chosen to be with them and not any of us and we have approached her with that, but her husband is not willing to talk to us or try to work anything out. So, where do we go from here? We all live in the same town and I'm pretty sure this year even the holidays will be just my daughter and grandkids for an hour or so, which is so painful because they are in such a hurry to get to his parents house and spend the whole 2 days with them when they see them every day of their life. The thought of giving up completely has certainly crossed my mind many times, but just seeing the grandkids for 3 hrs one night a week is probably better than never! The MIL sees them every day, babysits when they go out on weekends, sees them during the weekend, holidays, ect. We feel very sad over this, but it just seems like there is no answer. My husband says that all the couselling in the world won't change someone else and that I need to figure out that they don't want us in their lives and that until I accept that, I will be hurt over and over. I know this is true, but if I totally give up, I feel that is will be so hard to fix then someday when they are both so stubborn that I'm sure that's the way "he" wants it. I share your pain, and if you have found a way to deal with all this, please let me know. I am looking for any kind of help I can get.

jenniepepsi

are you my mother? sounds an awefull lot like you are speaking about my soon to be ex husband.


its been my experiance, that im sorry to say, there isnt much you can do you cant make your daughter leave him. you cant make him give you the respect you deserve. its all on him and your daughter. they either work it out and grow together, or they dont and get a divorce...

i would suggest you talk to your daughter about talking to her husband about marriage councelling.

good luck hon. im sorry your in the position.