Hi gertie123

I'm pleased to hear that reading about my story has helped you because reading your story... and the others on this site, as helped to keep me strong too.

Our son in laws are obviously very similar in nature... and as you say, our daughters do love their husbands, so we need to find ways of communicating that don't appear to be posing a threat to their marital relationships... which isn't easy.

You're also right about it being up to our daughters to teach their husbands what their own mothers have failed to teach them i.e. how to share and deal with having two families in their life, in a more balanced way.

Our daughter actually made contact with us, last week, to let us know that she and the children were in town with her husband (business trip) and would like to be able to catch up with us. So, we invited her and the children to lunch, and minded our grandchildren while she went shopping for a couple of hours, before her husband joined us for dinner... and it was one of the best experience that we've had of being with all of them, for a very long time... with no insensitive remarks or attitude on the part of our son in law.

So, although it's very much a one step at a time situation, we do appear to be getting closer to a better relationship. However, I'm still cautiously working on developing some effective strategies for dealing with any future reversals of that situation.

Thank you for your thoughts

I'm so glad that you had such a nice day with your family, sounds like your daughter has started to take some control, which is a big step.
I'v decided that next time my son-in-law comes out with one of his little gems, I'm just going to say "Ah, you are such a sweetie;" with a big grin and throw him a kiss. You are right about the strategies we have not to let them see that they have hurt us. (cos my son-in-law enjoys that). I'm sure he must be the same with my daughter in private. So I do the best I can not to rock the boat. I gave her a front door key (in case I have an accident and she needs to get in) so she can come here any time if she needs to. There will come a time when neither I or the mother-in-law will be here and I want my daughter to look back and smile when she thinks of me. It's so nice to have someone to talk to who really understands. Thank You

Hi Gertie123 and binks58

Yes, it was great to have such a lovely day with our daughter and her family, last week... but I'm not kidding myself about there being no further trouble ahead because, past experience has taught me that I only have to put one foot wrong in order to be cut-off again, which is far from being an ideal situation to be in. However, as you've quite rightly said, Gertie, making contact while she was in town was a very positive step for my daughter to make, and I realize that I need to do what I can to ensure that we build on that, one step at a time.

I also believe that you've come up with an excellent strategy for dealing with any future hurtful comment from your son-in-law So, if you don't mind, I'll keep that one in mind for the next time my son in law makes one of his inappropriate or hurtful comments because, being able to respond with something like that would give me the satisfaction of being able to gently put him back in his place, without upsetting my daughter in the process.

Good one.

I had this problem with two people - my sister's husband, who has no social scruples at all, and my ex-husband's sister, who is the rudest person I've ever known. What worked for me were two things - first, I ignored rudeness that did not impact me directly and let other people pick their own battles. When they were directly rude to me, I addressed it without being rude back (not being nice, necessarily, but not stooping to their level, either). So if my sister in law was a B to her mother, I let it go - not my battle. If she was rude to me, like commenting on my weight, I'd just respond in front of God and everyone, "That was a very rude and hurtful thing to say." Same with my brother in law - I didn't get involved between my sister and I, but if his behavior impacted me, I addressed it without putting my sister in the middle.

There is no solution, but I felt good in that I only took on the issue of how I am personally treated, didn't involve other family members, and avoided being rude back.

Hi Dontknownuthin

I totally agree with you about not involving ourselves in other people's arguments... but making sure that we speak-up firmly, but tactfully, in direct response to anyone who makes rude or inappropriate comments directly to us - something that I haven't always been able to do in the past. However, I'm now much more determined to be prepared with some direct, but tactful, one-liners up my sleeve, for any future unexpected occasion when a hurtful or insulting comment is directed at me by my son in law, or his mother. So, thanks for your advice in relation to effective responses because you've helped me to be better prepared for the next rude or spiteful comment that might be directed at me.

I sympathize here with all the problems mentioned. My husband of 42 years and I are heartbroken over our son-in-law. He seems to despise us no matter what we do. Our daughter who we used to have a close and loving relationship with her whole life now treats us with coldness. We are saddened beyond belief and wonder why this has happened to us. It is as if the devil himself has entered our family. We now have six grandchildren from this union and are just in love with those sweet babies. It was mentioned once that we pay too much attention to them and not enough to him. We want so much to love this man but he is so narcissistic it is frightening. His idea of discipline concerns us very much. He has been in the military all his adult life and we think that is part of the problem. It seems he has to control every room he is in and impress all who are in his presence. It appears he isn't concerned with people liking him as much as if he can impress them. It is a true pity. No one in our social circle and family likes him but are always nice to him because of our daughter. We think he has a personality disorder but our hands are tied. He never so much as calls us to even say "thank you" for all the lovely gifts we have sent with great cost to us. They live 2000 miles away from us at present. Please say a little prayer for us!

Your comment "you marry your father" is so amazing to me. I can tell you that not all women do. If only my daughter would have done that we would all have happiness in this family. Her father(my dear husband) is a generous and unselfish person.

Wow, we have almost idenical situations. It is hard to believe for me that a son in law cannot have enough love and caring for his wife and children to try to at least be respectful to the in laws. We can certainly relate to your pain. Not sure there is anything that can be done because we have done everything that we can think of to try to make things better, but it has to be more than one sided. Our daughter treats us like we have the plague also and it so hard to bear those feelings of hopelessness. Many very sad days go by but we pray for better days ahead before we leave this earth and hope our prayers are answered at some time. I do not cry as much as I used to a few years ago, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. My heart goes out out to you and hope things turn around for you sometime in the future.

This sounds like a lot of narcissistic people with their own agenda, the takers and abusers of the world. We are all somebody's mother or father, and sadly we must stand by and let our children make their own choices. Even though it is clear to all of us readers the who, what, and where of these situations. The sad thing is that there were early warning signs that are daughters and sons didn't pay attention to; controlling behavior, temper tantrums, alienation from others, and sometimes physical abuse. Seeing a therapist might help, but only if that person thinks that they need help. Otherwise they could care less about the person's feelings, they care only of themselves. They will have the wife have multiple children, that way they will feel trapped in the marriage. He might tell the woman "who would want a woman with two or more children" All controlling tactics for the abuser, and he or she is a master at it. Addressing the abuser doesn't help, they do not want to work with you. Because you are the enemy to them, you are the in-laws. My son in-law was abusive straight away, I saw it. He tells my daughter that I have never liked him. I have never liked the way he speaks to my daughter saying things like "Are you stupid" screaming at her at a drop of a hat. And now losing his temper at my 2 years 6 month old grandson. She now is pregnant again, I do not think that his temper has changed. Children do not lesson the burden of a relationship, they create more strain. They are a blessing, but to an abuser they take away from their "center" of attention. An abuser must always be the center of attention, and my son-inlaw must always be the center of attention. He is even jealous of my grandson, and he is a baby. There is no reasoning with this man, he was raised a mommy's boy. And now my daughter just placates his behavior. I haven't heard my grandson's voice in 4 months, but I do mail him books and things. This is the first year that I will not see him at Christmas, and I will not see him on his birthday in April. I can't stand to be in the same State with my son-inlaw. They live in the Midwest, and I live in California. But she has chosen this life, and it is, what it is. I can't allow his abuse just so that I can visit my grandchildren, I will just have to distance myself for a while. The last visit in April he became verbally abusive to me, and down right mean an nasty. I cried almost the entire visit, after I spent around $1,200 on the visit. It just doesn't make sense to travel somewhere to get abused, and the bulk of my visit was horrible. I have no desire to ever return to visit them again. She wanted me to move there to be next to her, and she asked me when I would be moving there. I had to tell her "your husband hates me" I can never move there, he is just too mean and nasty to me. She said "he was just tired because of work" It doesn't matter if he is working or not, he is always mean and nasty to me. There is no reason for him being this way to me, except to keep us apart. Well he has won this battle, because I will never move close to them. He is a terrible person, and I can't take his hostility. Where is the fairness in this. So before you make a snide comment if this is your mother maybe just consider what we, as your parents/grandparents have to go have to go through. Because of your unwillingness to take responsbility for your abusive relationship, and its damaging side affects. The answer is "Yes we are all mother's and father's of someone out there" and we took care of you as children, we protected you, we nurtured you. And then you inflict your terrible spouces on us! How dare our children be so disrespectful to us, it is not OK. So the solution is to just go on with our life's and do the best that you can do, and know that Karma is a *****! And history does repeat. And most importantly "wish them well with their lives" because there is nothing that I/we can really do about it. God bless us all!

Hello Own Best Friend

True about the dinner, it is sometimes just about enjoying the time spent. I will not be traveling to the Midwest for Christmas, or for quite some time. My daughter might be visiting next month though with my grandson, and her sister in-law. We will see, he will most likely throw a wrench in the plans most likely. Although because one of his family members is coming he might be OK with her visit, but I doubt it. I love the holidays so I am going to keep myself very busy so that I do not become too sad, about missing my grandson during the holidays. There is no such thing as a perfect mother, but doing things with the intent to hurt someone's feelings is not nice. And she does allow this behavior to happen, and she just looks the other way. But she is married, and her place is with her husband. I am just her mother. It is sad because I almost diied of cancer a few years back, and things keep popping up as a result of the chemotherapy drugs. She is not thinking about this at all when she isolates me, but it is something that she should consider because it is a reality. And she just lost her father to a heart attack last year, so she really doesn't have much family left. Which makes her husband extremely happy, because he dislikes all of her family. Your life can change in a breath, and mine did a few years back. My daughter doesn't consider the what ifs in life, she lives in a dream world. But that is her life, and I guess that is the way she copes with life in general.

I can't believe to read all these stories that mirror my own situation. You have no idea how much you all have helped me even though I am so sad for all of us. I know my husband and I were good parents. Our son backs us up as do our family & friends.

Hi, binks58

Your are quite right to maintain your rage about your son in law's unacceptable behavior towards you. I hope that you do get to see your daughter and grandson again, when they're in town and, in the meantime try to keep focusing more on your own health and happiness.

I want to send out wonderful thoughts and wishes to all of the grandparent out there, and to all people with in-law challenges. I wish you all a peaceful and loving thanksgiving, and Christmas holiday. I will think happy thoughts for all of you, and I will send prayers out to all of you during this holiday season. Thanks to all of you for all of your comments and support.