Hello out there,
I have seen a lot of comments on problematic daughters in law but none on sons in law.
The problems I have with my son in law are almost the same as many mothers in law
have with their daughers in law. Before my daughter became a mother to a lovely three year old boy I did not notice much apart from that he was a bit special and very close to his family. What disturbs me about him is that he is rude and gets annoyed on the phone when I (or my husband) phone and want to speak with my daughter which I do as little as possible. When we are there which is not very often either he does not show off the first 15 minutes (to show us he does not give a sh...about us). I think it is rude and disrespectful. I do not expect him to like us but I would like some respect which we do not get. Lately he has been like that to our other daughter and she is fed up with him. I think he lacks social intelligence. This of course makes everything more difficult us being grand parents now and having family relations. It seems that his parents come whenever they please and as my daughter and husband have very little time as they both work, the time they have is occupied by his mother and father and other family members. She sees my grandson very often. I feel ignored by them as if we don't exist. I worry a lot and it puts a lot of strain on my nerves. Sometimes I think maybe my daughter prefers her in-laws to us. That is hard to bear because then I have to ask myself where did I go wrong. I thought we had a good relationship with our daughter. Now it is as if this woman tries to pull my daughter over to their family. I know it looks as if I am jealous but I am just very hurt and angry at this woman for her inconsideration. Sometimes I just want to give up the battle (a terrible word - I don't want it to be a battle). My daughter is expecting another baby and I am not even looking forward to it as I expect the whole thing will even get worse. To his advantage I must say that he seems to get on well with my daughter (or she is not telling me everything) and seems to be a good father. I dread for the future. Can somebody give me som good advice? Should I just give up? I mean I cannot change him. I don't know what to do.

berna555

Thank you jake2008 for your reply. I guess you have a point there. Speaking to him directly would be the best but I don't know if I have the courage. On the other hand keeping your mouth shut all the time also makes me so frustrated.
However I have been so frustrated that I wrote a letter to my daughter how I felt about the whole situation. I did not say too much about the in laws and son in law but wrote that we felt that we were not allowed to be part of their family because the other family were always there. It seems that we have misread the whole situation a little bit. His family is just so keen to always help and be part of their family that if we want the same we have to contact them more, offering our help and so on. Our daughter does not think we invite them often enought which is true because I just take it for granted that if she wants to come she will come but what she wants is an invitation. I also told her how upset we get when our son in law disappears as soon as we arrive. Apparently my daughter has talked to him about it (it does not seem he takes it seriously).
Anyway it has been good to bring it out in the open and I realise that my daughter accepts him as he is and they are happy together. What I can do is accept him and his strange ways (unless he gets too rude) and not take it too seriously. Just not expect too much of our relationship. According to our daughter he likes us (that is what he says) but maybe a strange way of showing it.

berna555

Hello madhatter 22
Yes it is very hurtful when your own daughter seems to prefer her in laws.

The only thing to to is to write or talk to your daughter how it makes you feel. She must understand that you are a grandmother who wants to see her grand children as often as possible. Maybe there are some problems which you did not know about. Anyway it is best to bring it out in the open. Also invite them over and arrange for things you can do with your grandkids (without parents). I am sure they love you and it would be stupid of your daughter not to let them see you.
It would be nice if our daughters could put their foot down sometimes if the visit once more goes to the in laws but I do not know if they don't consider it as a problem, if it is easier not to upset the husband or if they even prefer to be with the inlaws (that really hurts).
I really feel for you for I know exactly how it feels. Just do your best. Maybe it will work out. First of all tell your daughter how you feel.

Jake2008

I don't think this explains his behavior.

There are excuses, and him denying being rude, but he is rude, and he knows it. I doubt that if his family were treated the way he treats you, that they'd be visiting too often either.

I wonder if your daughter will get to the point where there is too much involvement in her life with his family.

I agree, invite them over, and even extend an invitaition for Thanksgiving, so he knows it won't be six months before he has to go over again. If you have family nearby, invite them over too, and have a houseful.

See how he behaves then.

Instinct tells me he's a bit of a mama's boy, and your daughter knows that his family comes with the package. I would imagine it is easier to make excuses for him rather than face the consequences of saying 'no' to them.

But I agree, see if your increased effort to spend more time with them might not thaw him out a bit.

madhatter22

It would be great if an invitation to our house was an option. We have already talked to our daughter and she has indicated that she cannot do anything with him, so it is really just easier to just not fight with him. His mom babysits the two grandkids everyday, sometimes all day, every weekend when they go somewhere or out, so she is very involved in their lives and welcomed to be there. She goes right to their house and almost lives with them just to help take care of the kids everyday. How easy does it get for my daughter. Whereas that is not the case with us. We are never invited and he makes us feel very uncomfortable when we are there for a birthday party for the kids. She did put her foot down a bit and we do get to see the kids one evening during the week. We do enjoy that, but sometimes I feel too like they will never know us like they do the other side of the family, so what is really the use of trying so hard to be close. Our son in law dislikes my husband and as we all know, that didn't just happen. Because of events in the past before they got married, he feels like we don't like him which is somewhat true, but we are willing to try to make amends and have tried, with no luck. So, I am just looking for some kind of advice on how to stay sane in this situation since we all live in the same town, and I have to see things everyday that hurt me. One comment I got was that I cannot make her leave him and I cannot make him give us the respect we deserve, but my way of dealing with all this is, is just to try to pretend that my daughter doesn't exist, never ask any questions, never pry into her life and just pick up the kids when I am allowed to and have no connection with her whatsoever. That seems to be working for her and I am just making myself hard toward her. May sound cruel, but there is really no other way to "get over it" as I am told to do by her because "it is what it is." I haven't cried for a week since I have gotten comments on this site about other people that are hurting like I am, so this seems to be helping me some. There are many books out there, they are hard to find on "son in law problems" but one good one is "don't blame your mother" which I just finished. It still hurts every day, but all I can hope is that some day she realizes what she has done by leaving our whole side of the family out and just concentrating on his side. Not sure she cares because her life seems simple this way-only having to please certain people. But, it certainly is a painful situation that the other people in her life feel. It sounds also like I am jealous and maybe to some extent I am, but to see her and her MIL together raising the kids, doing things together for years and her choosing it makes me feel like she has stolen my daughter and I feel empty without her. Probably this is just an instinct and hopefully norma. I have talked to her about that, but it really didn't matter. So, life needs to go on. I am trying to fill my days with other things, but it is on my mind constantly. How much does a parent have to endure? Maybe someday she will know if her children every treat her like that. And yes, if our SIL treated his parents like he treats us, they for sure wouldn't be visiting very often either. Thank you for your comments everyone and I still welcome any "word of wisdom or advice."

berna555

To madhatter22
There is not much you can do about how your kids feel about you but no matter what has happened in the past for the grand childrens sake it should be possible for adults to behave in an adult way. Maybe one way to go is to talk to your son in law. If he feels you do not like him he is probably taking it out on you now by not wanting to have contact with you. You cannot change him but maybe you can come to an agreement with him that you do not have to like each other but for the grand childrens sake behave in a civil way when you are together and let them see their grand parents from their mothers side. I do try
to see the good sides my son in law he also has. There must be a reason why my daughter loves him and she has to live with him every day. One thing is for sure you cannot expect your daughter to be loyal to you instead of her husband.
I would give it a last try by talking openly with your son in law. Maybe he has to say a few things. That might clear the air. Also invite your grand kids over as much as possible even though there is not much chance you actually come to see them. Be friendly to your
son in law and accept that you also might have made a few mistakes. Do everything you possible can to have a good relation. If nothing helps then I agree it might be for the best to let it go even if it causes much grief. Maybe your daughter comes to her senses when she realises that you accept the loss. All the best

madhatter22

That you for being sympathetic to my problem. It hurts so much and I think you know the pain also when your child chooses their inlaws. I am pretty much convinced that my daughter actually chooses her mother in law to be her mother figure. I raised her as a single parent until my second marriage and her stepfather treated her equal or better than his own kids, so she really doesn't have a reason to treat us like she does, but we can't seem to change anything. We do see the kids a little, and try to make the best of that, but of course seeing the kids because they are little, requires dealing with the parents to a degree. So many days I feel just like giving up on everything, but then I ask my self how hard it will be to "fix" things someday if we ever want to patch things up and have a relationship between us. This situation has caused some depression and no matter how hard you try to fill your time with other things, it seems impossible to clear your mind of what is going on day after day. My husband has no interest in trying to make things better between all of us and neither does our son in law, so we are fighting a losing battle most of the time. Most often the daughter goes with her side of the family and the son's parents feel left out. I just cannot believe my own daughter has done this to me. I try not to feel sorry for myself, but it just makes me feel like a horrible mother and no matter how much I try to be a part of her life, she is not willing to let that happen. My feeling is that her husband is just plain spoiled by his parents all his life and they still give him everything he wants and now her too, so they do not need anyone else for anything. The only consolation to all this, is that no one else likes him either other than his immediate family, so maybe we shouldn't feel so bad that he doesn't like us. My husband is very much respected where we live, so I know it isn't all him. I know there really isn't an answer to what can be done (pretty much nothing) but it helps just to be able to vent some of my frustration and know there are other people that have similar situations. I feel sometimes like I am the only one that their daughter chooses her mother in law over her own mother. Sad feeling.

berna555

To madhatter 22
I think it is not uncommon that daughters prefer their inlaws which of course makes
any mother feel like a bit of a failure. If you had a good relationship so far it is difficult to understand why she does it unless it is a reaction towards you because you do not like her husband.
Our son in law is not our cup of tea and never will be but I have come to the conclusion that we do not have to like him and we cannot expect him to like us just because he is married to our daughter. That seems to make things easier. We once had a dream that our son in law would be like a son to us but dreams do not always come true and we have to take things as they are. I try to see his good qualities which of course he also has. We see them once a month and that is enough for us. Of course I would like to see our daughter and grandson more often.
Do not give up hope that things could turn around and instead of blaming them try to stay positive even though there is a lot of hurt. If praying means anything to you, it gives a lot of consolation in a hopeless situation.
All the best