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My son hates me. I can't stand the lack of respect!
How do I say this and still keep it simple? I have a 15yr old son and a 13yr old daughter. I have been married for 16 years. I know there has been a lot of ups and downs in my marriage that both my kids have been forced to witness. I am not the world best dad but I try. At least I have stuck it out, that is more than I can say for my dad. Any way i guess the issue stems partly to my short temper when my son treats his sister like crap. He bosses her around and he makes her feel like she isn't wanted like she shouldn't even be here. He entagonizes her to the point she runs into her room crying and even once she cut her wrists because he told her that we didn't love or want her around. This is not true we love them both with every breath. I see the manipulation for attention he is trying to get by these actions because the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I have always been very manipulative since I was very young. But this makes me blow my top, not to extremes, I just yell and I can get pretty loud but i have never hit either of my children for any reason and never will. But when I get mad at him in the beginning he would say that I was favoring his sister but I only yell when I can take the there fighting. Now here is the deal. His mother started to say I was favoring my daughter and singeling him out and has gotten to the point that if I even say anything about his behavior his mother will jump down my throat like I am the bad guy. I am just trying to do my part the best I can. I do in a sense try and stand up for my daughter because it seems at times that he and his mother treat her unfairly not like ganging up on her but more like she isn't as important as he is or something to that nature. And it has kind of always been like this and so I try and give a little extra mental support so she doesn't feel bad. I know it makes me feel terrible to have to see her treated like this because she is such a beautiful person inside and out and I know she has been through a lot and she acts like it's no big deal. When my son recently went out of state for a school related trip for a week I noticed imeadietly how her spirits lifted she was smiling and laughing and now it's back to the same, however he is directing his anger towards me as well. He knows I can't do anything to him because his mother will get mad at me for trying to discipline him, so he he will call me a jerk under his breath and will do nothing I ask of him and it has gotten to the point that we won't talk to each other or even look at each other. I know he hates me and I know he thinks he is smarter then me so he has a total lack of respect for me. The only time he will do what he is told is when his mother tells him to do it. I still try and be there for him, for example I paid for his school trip and even gave five hundred dollars for spending money on his trip and kind of wish he hadn't come back. I am trying so hard to keep love in my heart for him and I have such sorrow for how he has treated his sister all of these years I don't know if I can take it any longer. sometimes I just want to beat him till he understands, but I know that that won't fix it and I can't talk to him, so do I just sit on the sidelines and watch him do what ever he wants and in the process drag my daughter through the gutter as his little tool. God someone please help me through this before I do something I am going to regret!
hey, im turning eighteen in oh about an hour but maybe i can help a bit even with my youth. ive been going through alot with my mom over the past year and i, now realize, weve both made alot of mistakes. but on my side it was me wanting to get back at her for not seeing or caring about some of the really ty stuff going on in my life. maybe what you need to do is tell your wife you want to take your son out for a day and do something fun and maybe, just so that she'll agree, say something, not lieing, but something, to the effect that you realize that things havent been going well and you want to make peace in with him. then just sit him down and see if you can figure out if theres something going on that he hasnt told you about. its not likely he'll open up to you but the effort might help your case with your wife. maybe even letting her know you want to spend some time with him alone, bonding time, weekly or biweekly. maybe suggest she do the same with your daughter and incourage your daughter to speak up. see if that helps. i know its hard for you because you hate what hes done to your daughter but just give it one more try. it realy seems like you want this to work. i have no idea if this helps goodness knows im not a parent but good luck from the bottom of my heart.
How about this for a first step? Do some research and find a good family counseling service in your area. Make an appointment and ask your wife to come with you, but if she won't, go by yourself.
I fully agree with this. The family systems therapist will know how to pull the other members of the family into counseling and will know how to get you all on the same page.
az37dad,
The counselling advise is most excellent. Try that first.
However, I have not told you what I would do yet. LEAVE! Take your paychecks with you. Get your own place. When your wife is ready to accept that you are a partner and friend who willingly helped support the ungrateful, (and still are) then maybe she'll come to you. I know that is pretty "out there," and running is only one of the options, but that would simmer down the disrespect quickly and bring negotiations to be. You described your wife's behavior. Just reading it made me ANGRY! She is being manipulative and screwing with your sanity. And then she calls the cops on you?
The woman needs a wake-up call. Not that you're perfect or don't need to learn stuff. I do believe she needs to pull her head out. Your daughter can stay with you if she likes, or she can stay with them. Tell your daughter what's going through your mind. Tell her that you want a stable home for her and that you're willing to try anything to get it. The home you are presently living in is neither stable, healthy or sane.
Just out of curiosity, is this a step-son and the daughter a biological one? And is your wife the mother of the son in question but not the mother of the daughter? This always gets to be a sticky issue when you have a blended family under the same roof. But either way it sounds as if your son's and wife's actions are unacceptable. You need tot take the bull by the horns and insist that everyone is to treat everyone else with respect and that nothing else will be tolerated. And if your son and wife don't like it, then you throw both of their a$$es to the curb.
LEAVE! Take your paychecks with you. Get your own place.
In spite of my recommendation to get a counselor, I agree with simone here, it may be Step Two. Only you can judge the level of danger and degree of crisis in the ongoing situation. If it's nearing a catastrophic explosion, then immediate action to defuse the pressure is your first priority.
Progress through counseling is measured in weeks and months, and you may not have that much time before the pressure becomes unbearable for somebody. Moving out and yanking out the financial props would certainly be a wake-up call, which is definitely what both your wife and son need. Consider it seriously. Talk to somebody about it. If it truly is the best next step for all concerned, don't flinch, and don't feel guilty. Just do it.
You make me feel so lucky as my wife had everything in order by the time I got home from work. Sheesh! Go to counseling, and learn how to interact with your wife and family. Kids emulate what they see, and what they see is not healthy. Changing yourself and your attitude, will change everyone in your house. Thats how important your actions are. The best way to have your woman by your side, is to stand by her. As man, you lead by example, and they will follow, if your direction is right, so YOU get counseling.
You need to ask your wife in private why in the world would she undermine you on your son's harassing your daughter. Ask her if she thinks it is normal and acceptable that your daughter tried cutting her wrists over your son's antagonism.
Ask her why she can't see that he is not only manipulating your daughters emotions but he is also manipulating an agrument between the two of you and to him that is winning attention for him no matter how much it may be negative attention he still gets something out of it. Tell her that you need to work together on this or else you feel that family counseling is the only option left.
Tell your son that maybe if he stopped treating his sister like this then maybe you wouldn't have to compensate for his behavior to balance out her hurt.
Often we find we have children who are very accurate and frustrating mirrors, showing us the most unliked parts of ourselves. Our challenge is to find a way to love not only them, but ourselves, and thus heal the whole situation. Our love partners are the same thing. They will also act as mirrors to show us parts of ourselves that need healing.
The answer is to love those unloved parts of yourself (and them) back to wholeness.
Look for the things about your son and your wife that you DO like. Write a letter to them listing the things about them that you appreciate, and ending with, "I love you unconditionally." But don't give it to them. This is spiritual work, and they will feel this appreciation on a spiritual level. It will begin to heal them and bring out the best in them. And above all, write one of these letters to yourself, listing YOUR best attributes and then sign it the same way. Then continue to look for the GOOD in your son and your wife and yourself every single day, and comment on it when you can. What you pay attention to will flourish, and so far, you've been paying attention to the worst things instead of the best.
Remember, what you think about, comes about. So think about what you want INSTEAD of what you are getting right now. Then write a letter about that.
The reason I advise writing is that it takes what is nonphysical, your desires, and puts them into the physical world, writing. This makes the manifestation process goes much more quickly. You can use symbols, also, such as drawing stick figures to represent your family and then surrounding them with peace and love symbols. This is a very powerful way to create a new reality. Send loving energy to these letters and these symbols every day and watch your very reality transform around you.
All this chaos is in your life as a call for LOVE from your OWN unloved parts of yourself. Start there.
Often we find we have children who are very accurate and frustrating mirrors, showing us the most unliked parts of ourselves. Our challenge is to find a way to love not only them, but ourselves, and thus heal the whole situation. Our love partners are the same thing. They will also act as mirrors to show us parts of ourselves that need healing.
The answer is to love those unloved parts of yourself (and them) back to wholeness.
This is true. Hard to accept at first, hard to act on in the beginning, but it works if you keep at it.
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