Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    rubybelle's Avatar
    rubybelle Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 5, 2010, 05:56 PM
    My son acts like he hates me
    My son, who is 22 and a very responsible adult, sometimes acts like he doesn't even like me, and/or is ashamed of me. He acts like he doesn't want anything to do with me most of the time, and when we do get together it is only for an hour or so to go out for dinner. It feels like he is 'going through the motions' to please me.
    He has been going to college about 120 miles away. He's in his final year. I have talked to him over these last 3 years about coming to visit, but I interpreted his response as not really caring whether I visited or not.
    He spends lots of time with his dad, who likes to party with him. His dad goes there with his girlfriend and they go to football games, out to eat, shopping, and partying. They can afford all those things, plus staying in a motel. I am single, and can barely pay the bills, with nothing at all left over for entertainment.
    I don't have much in common with my son, except that we are both intellectuals. Even though we are both well-educated, we can't seem to carry on a conversation.
    The reasons I have not yet gone to visit are as follows.
    * He hasn't invited me, and it seems like I may be imposing if I do visit. He has 3 roommates, and a couple years ago 1 of them added me on Facebook. My son was really mad at me for accepting. I didn't understand that, but I thought he didn't want me and his roommates to communicate, therefore he wouldn't want me to visit and be around them.
    * Neither of us have any ideas of what we would do together besides go out to eat.
    * Since we struggle to communicate, it seems it would be a long drive for a one hour meal with almost no communication and the possibility that my son was just 'going through the motions' to please me.
    * I struggle with having enough money to drive there and back and pay for a meal.
    * He seems to always be busy when I have time.

    I was very hurt this past holiday. My son squeezed 3 hours out of his life to eat Thanksgiving dinner with me and my side of the family. I asked my son if he would like to come and see where I work, which was only 4 blocks away. He was in a hurry to leave. I said it would only take 5 minutes, but he didn't want to go. He stated he didn't have time. I felt a bit hurt that he couldn't spare the 5 minutes. I said, "So you don't care enough to stop in for 5 minutes to see where I work?" He got mad and said, "Don't talk to me about not caring when you haven't been to see me for the last 3 and a half years."
    I was crushed. I had no idea that he even wanted me to visit. I had felt like I would be imposing in his college life if I did visit. If he would have asked and made it known that he wanted me to visit, I would have somehow found a way.
    Now I feel like a 'bad mom', even though I didn't have a clue! His college years are almost over and he will be moving even farther away. Will he always think about how I never came to visit him in college, and that I didn't care? I can get a couple visits in before he moves, and I'm going to make sure I do that somehow.
    I had always been there for him his whole life until he went off to college. I have always loved him very deeply, as mothers do, and I've always said it and shown it. He knows I am very proud of him. He's always been my 'superstar'.
    My heart is breaking over this. Any ideas?
    Just_Another_Lemming's Avatar
    Just_Another_Lemming Posts: 437, Reputation: 211
    Full Member
     
    #2

    Dec 6, 2010, 06:17 PM
    I apologize no one has responded to you until now. Please don't assume your son hates you. I can guarantee you that he still loves you. The problem you are both encountering is how to find some common ground now that he has become a young adult.

    First, I just want to shed some light on the Facebook incident. No young man wants his roommate to "friend" his mother. It was a very odd thing for the roommate to do and your son's reaction was pretty normal. He has to live with the friend. He isn't living with you. So, it was easier to vent his anger on his Mother. It definitely isn't right or fair of him to treat you that way, but it is understandable for a young adult male his age to react in this manner. I explain a bit more further down.

    Second, Thanksgiving. Okay so you wanted to show him where you work. He said he didn't have the time. You tried to make him feel guilty. Unfortunately, it backfired on you. Next time, leave the guilt trips at the doorstep. Guilting him will only accomplish driving a deeper wedge into the communication problems you are experiencing with each other.

    Third, please don't assume that he prefers to spend time with his Dad. He probably doesn't particularly enjoy his father's visits but at least he gets to go out to dinner and eat some fine meals (instead of the crappy school food or whatever food he can find on the cheap) and probably gets cash out of his old man to boot. Don't think for one minute that your son is judging you on how much you can give him as opposed to how much his father gives him. Guaranteed he knows you are on a tight budget and doesn't resent you for it. This all has to do with how the dynamics of your mother-son relationship is changing, you didn't realize you needed to prepare for it, and now don't know how to approach it.

    Please understand that your son has one foot in childhood and one in adulthood. Over the past few years he has been learning to live independently from you. He will continue to be short, impatient, and selfish. Although he won't recognize it himself, you need to recognize that he lacks maturity and the ability to be emotionally supportive of his parents. Only time, experience, and age will cure that.

    Yes, you need to visit him. Find a way. Please reread the list of reasons you haven't visited him from as objective a point of view as possible. I don't mean to be harsh but it reads as a list of excuses to me. So, you do need to find a way to visit him. I know it is a long drive and money is tight, but you do need to visit as often as you can (take short trips so as not to overstay your welcome -- leave early in the morning, stay overnight, leave the next afternoon so you can be home by the following evening) because it is the only way you and your son can move into the next phase of your relationship --- interacting as adults with a give and take exchange, not simply as parent/child -- before he moves further away from you and the wedge grows deeper. HOWEVER, when you visit, don't be surprised if he acts as though you are inconveniencing him. He will act embarrassed and annoyed in front of his friends because they all do that. It isn't cool to be happy to see your Mom and want to spend time with her. It takes a very mature & self-assured 22 year old or a complete mamma's boy to show his affection for his mother in front of his buddies. Just know that although he won't show it, deep down he will be happy that you cared enough to show up and see him.

    I don't know where he goes to school but usually the campus administration has a public relations office or a liaison office for visiting families. Call and find out who you need to speak with regarding suggestions for inexpensive hotels, dining, and entertainment that you and your son can enjoy together. You might also want to check the school's website. They usually have a "things to do" section for visiting high school seniors and their families and they usually have a calendar of planned events. Plan ahead and try to come up with an itinerary or a number of different ideas/suggestions for entertainment that you think your son will be interested in. Make sure it is not something the 12 year old boy you knew would want to do but what an adult would enjoy. Then contact him. Tell him when you are coming to visit & what you are planning for an outing. If he tells you the timing is wrong, press him to give you dates in which he won't be inconvenienced. If he tells you he doesn't want to do any of the things you have planned, ask him to come up with suggestions because you miss him and, "come hell or high water," you are coming to visit to spend a little time with him. Unless he screams at you not to show up, do not let him talk you out of the visit. Showing up and being a mother & friend may seem to annoy your son and he won't admit he is happy to see you, but he will be. As I said, he still has one foot in childhood at this age. Not seeing & interacting with him on a regular basis appears to have made the child that still lives inside of him believe you don't love him enough, no matter how much you tell him you do and that he is your hero, or whatever else you say to him. Remember that old expression "actions speak louder than words?" This is a time of action for you. Show him how much you love him by spending time with him doing the things he wants to do. Show him you are flexible and are interested in whatever he is interested in, even if you aren't. Go that extra mile to show him that you are not only his mother but you accept he is an adult and you will treat him as such. Make him want to visit you after he graduates (and moves further away) by showing him that you do have common interests and you are someone he wants to spend time with.

    Regarding keeping the conversation flowing while you are visiting, start writing a list of questions you have for him about his future plans or dreams, about how his semester is going, the classes he is taking, which ones he likes, which ones he doesn't like, what are his friends plans after graduating, is he planning on working this summer, what he is doing to find work, or what his plans for graduate studies are,. Make a list of current social and political events that are occurring and engage him in a dialogue by asking him what his thoughts are on these subjects. My point is, plan ahead. Think about what he enjoys talking about and make those things the jumping off point in your conversations. Whatever you do, don't offer unsolicited advice! Steer clear of judgements or anything that might remotely sound like you are trying to guilt him in any way. In other words, try to table the "Mommytude" that will be itching to break out of you! ;) Just listen to his reponses and talk to him as you would talk to another adult you have just met. If you fully prep yourself, it will help you to make the conversations flow and not be as stilted as they have been recently. In the end, you just might find that the visit will be the fun little vacation break you needed. Good luck! :)
    rubybelle's Avatar
    rubybelle Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Dec 6, 2010, 06:43 PM
    Comment on Just_Another_Lemming's post
    Thank you for taking the time to answer my question so thoroughly. Your explanations and feedback have helped me see this situation much clearer. I am going to take your advice very seriously, and use your suggestions. I am extremely thankful.
    Just_Another_Lemming's Avatar
    Just_Another_Lemming Posts: 437, Reputation: 211
    Full Member
     
    #4

    Dec 7, 2010, 04:49 AM

    You are welcome. :) I do hope you find that middle ground that allows you to reconnect with your son.
    Silver123's Avatar
    Silver123 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Jan 25, 2011, 07:09 PM
    Rubybell. I say no, to some of what the persons en-depth answer to you was... just no. I can damn near carbon copy your scenario. Except my 22 year old son leaves in the same city, in his first apartment now with a friend for 5 months. He has the same coldness, the same distance he places between us, he distances us, its not the other way around. The whole single mom deal and his spending his time with his dad who's far better off than what we are (I have a younger son as well)~ all of it is damn near the same as your deal... except ~ I know its not caused by me. Some boys when they become young men, distance themselves from the "nest" and from their "mothers ties" by simply being mean. Somewhere they have gotten the idea that being a man means to be, excuse the term... an ***. And they do that very very well. The problem begins when we mothers whom have sons that decided to act this way, take it to heart... we become sad, bruised and virtually "afraid" to even go near the son for fear he'll act like he can't stand us. He wants it that way. So my suggestion, is to let him know you love him, be realistic with your situation by saying "Listen I'm coming down to see you son, and I will be there on this day and at this time ~ but I can't do it as often as I want ~ because I can't afford to" Then do it. And don't put up with his being an *** while there at his place or in yours, or anywhere for that matter. Period. All of that other **** that the person explained.. is hog-wash. And I mean it! Why? Because if a child was deeply & well cared- for when raised, not abused, but very loved and respected as an individual ~ who then when becoming an adult decides to turn on a parent for no explained cause... Then you know it's a decision they themselves came to act upon from some false sense of "power" for themselves. I say to hell with that. Love them, but you don't have to like them while they are in "transition" not if and when they choose to "turn" on you during the process. Normal healthy distancing is good & very very natural... But out-right being a jerk, not good!
    I suggest you visit him, send all the Halmark cards expected through the year... and send one letter to him stating that his becoming a man was never meant to be an *** to his mother. Then you live your life, and he will eventually come back around and respect his mother.. as he should. ~ R (and by the grace of God may our hearts as their mothers last through this selfish time) good night.


Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

My son hates me [ 5 Answers ]

My 27 year old son who I raised as a single parent is so mean to me , I'm convinced he hates me. He used to be a fun, kind, free spirited Child and young man. In the past 4 years he seems to be filled with hate and anger toward me all the time. Everything I say or do he berates and embarrasses me...

Confussed why my 37yr. Old son acts as if he hates me [ 7 Answers ]

My 37 yr. old son has always treated me with no respect at all and in his adult years it seams even worse he will tell his friends when I am speaking , ''not to pay attention to me that I am crazy and don't know what I am talking about'' ,he has even thrown ice water in my face I can't seam to...

Whenever my siblings are around, my mom acts like she hates me.. [ 8 Answers ]

Hi y'all :) OK.. so it probably sounds really weird. My brother lives in California and my sister lives in india (they are 23 and 25). I live in austria with my parents and I'm 17. They both come home sometimes. Like 3 times a year. And every time one of them is home, my mom gets mad at me...

My 12 year old son acts aggressive all the time [ 2 Answers ]

My son has anti social behavoir problems

16 year old son acts weird [ 6 Answers ]

My 16 yo son is a straight A student now, is on the track team and does great at that, but he has many issues that worry me. He has always had a problem learning. We went through a lot of hard times with the school, our community and just people in general who weren't supportive. I look at...


View more questions Search