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SadMom54 · Jan 13, 2011, 07:54 AM

My son is now 25 years old. Did four years in the Marine Corps two tours in Iraq and is still immature. Has a good job but says his life sucks spends money he doesn't have can't keep a relationship with girls. What did I do wrong as a parent and how do I help him grow up

Jake2008 · Jan 13, 2011, 08:31 AM

I'm not sure from what you have written so far, why you are so involved with his finances and his love life. If he has a good job, and isn't spending responsibly and buys things he can't afford, the consequences are his, and maybe he just has to learn the hard way to budget money.

Or, are you saying that you are so involved, because you are supporting him as well? Does he live at home?

It isn't unusual for people to go through many relationships before finding 'the one', when they are ready. Most women today marry later than even a generation ago, and start families later as well. I'm not so sure why you expect him to be more settled down with one woman at the age of 25.

A little more information would be helpful.

talaniman · Jan 13, 2011, 08:35 AM

Let it go mom, he deserves to live his life his way, not yours, so he is allowed to fail, and make his mistakes. Let him, and he will learn and grow, but at his own pace.

SadMom54 · Jan 13, 2011, 10:00 AM

He has a good job and yes lives at home but has his own space. I don't get involved in his love life - last g/f emailed me to tell me why they broke up. I don't ask and don't want him to settle down I tell him to enjoy life do and see things.

SadMom54 · Jan 13, 2011, 10:01 AM

Thank you for the advice

answerme_tender · Jan 13, 2011, 10:05 AM

He is 25yrs old, marine,and survived being in Iraq. Mom, he is probably having a time adjusting, and most 25yro people don't just settle down, they spread their oats! As to his financial situation, he has a good job, he has a way to pay his bills.

Its time to realize that your son is all grown up. No grown man wants his Mother sticking her nose were it doesn't belong. Just like any other good Mother you have to let him live his life, and just be there if he needs you emotionally. One more thing stop thinking he is immature, he has been through more already at 25yrs then others his age. Take care

adviceishere · Jan 13, 2011, 10:55 AM

I don't know if its just me but from what you have just described about your son being a marine and going to Iraq sounds pretty impressive to me! And on top of that he's got a good job too, so obviously he's got a good education, even more impressive! And he's only 25! He's also single and sounds like he's having some fun for now (before he settles). Be proud! He's not hanging out on street corners with the wrong crowd taking drugs is he? No, he's an honest working citizen enjoying life :) well done to him :)

excon · Jan 13, 2011, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by SadMom54

What did I do wrong as a parent and how do I help him grow up

Hello Sad:

He's an adult. You did your best, and he turned out how he did... You're not responsible, unless you beat him and called him names... If you protected him and loved him, there's nothing more you could have done. Your job is over. It's now up to him.

excon

slapshot_oi · Jan 13, 2011, 11:50 AM

Realize you are judging your son by classifying him under what you believe makes a young man immature. And realize that this will only injure your relationship together.

You need to listen more, and talk less.

Jake2008 · Jan 13, 2011, 12:56 PM

Thanks for adding a bit more.

I'm glad that you keep your distance from getting involved in his personal life. Quite the nerve of the ex girlfriend to contact you and dump like that.

It might be time to consider having him get his own place. I can't speak for all 25 year olds, but I'd say if he is earning a good income, has some experience being independent and mature about the decisions he's made (ie Iraq), he is likely more ready than not to be on his own.

I'm not saying kick him to the curb, but rather have a talk to him, and just ask him what his plans are for the future. A gentle nudge may get him thinking that its time to move on. While he may be living independently in your home, he is still in your home. He sounds more mature than a lot of 25 year olds I know, and you are moving in a positive way if you start planting seeds that he should start to be prepared to find his own way, in his own home.

DoulaLC · Jan 13, 2011, 04:40 PM

He doesn't sound immature, he sounds like he has been through a great deal, that in which he had to have a good amount of maturity, and now is sorting out what the next phase in his life will be.

Has he expressed any reasons he feels his life sucks? Is he thinking he should be more settled himself? How long has he been stateside? Is the job he is working at something he enjoys or wants to do long term?

I agree with talking with him about his plans and goals. Express an interest and see if he opens up about it. You don't want to come across as though you are grilling him with questions.

Would more education be the answer? Does he have any interest in doing some traveling before settling down?

Sometimes just having a sounding board may help him to see for himself what direction he needs to go with his life in order to feel more satisfied.

stressed2themax · Oct 8, 2011, 03:26 AM

I was reading the responses you received. Maybe they aren't parents yet, but I know where you are coming from. You let them grow and teach them what we think is right, because being a parent is a trial and error kind of thing. I've not seen the perfect written book anywhere except the Bible. My daughter is a wonderful person on one of her good days. She has a daughter and does good providing for her. But, and it's a big BUT, she doesn't have her life in order, no priorities are in order. She is first in EVERYTHING, that can't be when you have a child. God is ALWAYS first, end of discussion. Everything else falls in line. My daughter is careless with her life, she has a different boyfriend every other week and my poor grand-daughter doesn't need to see that, she will be having a baby at 12 if she thinks that is the way she is suppose to be living.

Your son should be given boundaries, I'm sorry it's YOUR home, not his unless he can pay half of everything or better yet, support you since he is doing so well. If I were to move back home now at 45, you better believe my parents wouldn't let me be out all night and in and out of relationships with different men in front of my children. I didn't raise my daughter to act the way she does and I am sure you didn't raise your son to react this way either. I give him credit for serving our country, that is a brave thing to do, but if anything it should have made him appreciate you even more and value his own life that much more. I will be praying for you and your family.