[tomuch]

For quit sometime now (5 years+) my wife has to watch porn before we has sex. I have started to get concerned, even feel insecure about us because she won't let me get her in the mood without watching it. I talked to her once and she said that its her way of relaxing and getting in the mood. She won't have sex unless she really wants to and when she does we need to watch for 30 to 60 minutes then she will slowly start touching me. As matter of fact usually if I want to have sex I just turn around and ask her if she wants to watch a movie, if she says yes then I put one in and take it from there, if she says no then no it is. I don't know what to make of this, just feels like she's not into me that way and she uses the movies to get into it then turns to me as a blow up doll. I guess what I want to ask is this normal, am I just over thinking it or being insecure of myself.

[excon]

I guess what I want to ask is this normal, am I just over thinking it or being insecure of my self.

Hello too:

There is no normal in sexual matters. What WORKS should be your guide - NOT what other people think is "normal"... Look, you're getting laid. She's getting laid. Sounds pretty good to me. Read some of these other threads here. Lot's of people AIN'T getting laid. You are.

What? You don't like the movies?? Dude! Most guys here would LOVE to have their girl watch porn with them...

excon

[kpg0001]

Good point excon, but I think the issue is her not being able to get sexually aroused by him. And obviously it isn't "working" because he is having issues with it. Yes you can just be a dude and say f it I'm getting laid, but he's not living the single life, he has a wife(which brings a lot more into the equation than just sex). If you don't like it than it isn't "normal" for you. Maybe it is working for her but it takes two to tango. So, suck it up and take what you can get(excon), or start going down a long and difficult road that nobody can tell the result. Which means you have to talk seriously with her about it, but it's never that simple hence the "road". Basically if your THAT unhappy with it you should do something, if not, blow it off.

[Cat1864]

tomuch, I just read your previous thread. Are your current insecurities due to the porn or are you concerned she is emotionally straying again?

As excon said, normal varies from couple to couple. It is all about what you as a couple find works for you.

I am concerned that there seems to be no communication between you or compromise. I think you need to sit down and have a discussion about the issue and find that compromise.

I will say that, if she is going full-tilt during the day, porn may be the most quick way to get her mind to go from laundry, children, work, cleaning, paying bills, etc. to being 'in the mood'. It may not be about you but about the amount of time she has had to get mentally aroused. Watching porn with your partner tends to get both the mental and physical kick started. Talking about fantasies can do the same thing if she is open to sharing.

Talk with her.

[beachloverjohn]

I agree with the others, different strokes for different folkes {so to speak}. If her watching porn gets her in the mood, then go with it. This might make for a long evening, and delay the actual sex, but look at all of this as part of the fore play. You might as well accept it, as long as it works out in the end.

Look at it this way, no matter how many times you keep pushing that elevator button, it's not going to come any faster..

[Enigma1999]

Okay... So I have a different take on this. Sorry everyone else.

I can understand if this were a once in a while type thing to get her in the mood. However, if it were me, I would get a little sick of it. I mean... all the times she wants to have sex, she has to watch porn?

Where's the spontaneity? Where's the passion?

Let's say op is in Italy, and wants to make love on a gondola in Venice, for crying out loud, and can't because there s no porn to. Watch...

I know that is far fetched, but you know what I mean...

That would get annoying after a while.

I do agree that you should talk to her. After all, 5 years is along time, so that being said, there needs to be better communication.

[beachloverjohn]

Okay.... So I have a different take on this. Sorry everyone else.

I can understand if this were a once in a while type thing to get her in the mood. However, if it were me, I would get a little sick of it. I mean.....all the times she wants to have sex, she has to watch porn?

Where's the spontaneity?? Where's the passion??

Let's say op is in Italy, and wants to make love on a gondola in Venice, for crying out loud, and can't because there s no porn to. watch...

I know that is far fetched, but you know what I mean....

That would get annoying after a while.

I do agree that you should talk to her. After all, 5 years is along time, so that being said, there needs to be better communication.

All they have to do is make sure they bring one of those portable dvd players on the gondola ride with them. But personally I always have a hard time getting aroused while a guy in a funny suit is staring at me and singing "Ole Sole Mio".

[Enigma1999]

All they have to do is make sure they bring one of those portable dvd players on the gondola ride with them. But personally I always have a hard time getting aroused while a guy in a funny suit is staring at me and singing "Ole Sole Mio".

Touché. :p

[QLP]

Maybe next time instead of asking her if she wants to watch a movie you could ask if she wants to act one out. Try and bring her fantasies out. Start some role-playing together. If she goes for a particular sort of porn it could give you some clues on how to approach this. Could be she has just got stuck in a habit that works and needs some encouragement to find other ways.

Otherwise as the others say talk. Find out what else would start her engine running. And remember to give her plenty of attention outside the bedroom to keep her mentally atuned.

[beachloverjohn]

Great idea QLP, but I would go a step further. While they're acting it out, have a video camera going and now you have your own porn film. Then you can watch yourselves before sex, and when she gets turned on, at least it will be you that is doing it. Makes sense in a crazy sort of way.

[Cat1864]

Great idea QLP, but i would go a step further. While they're acting it out, have a video camera going and now you have your own porn film. Then you can watch yourselves before sex, and when she gets turned on, at least it will be you that is doing it. Makes sense in a crazy sort of way.

I don't recommend making your tapes because it is too easy these days for the video to get out of your control without you even knowing about it.

[DoulaLC]

Yes, you are getting sex, but it sounds as though you want more from your relationship.

How long has this been going on?
I agree with the stance that if it were once in awhile, perhaps a mutual thing, etc. that would be normal, but for her to only become interested in having sex with you if she watches porn first is, IMO, a problem. I can certainly understand your feeling like a blow-up doll.

Does she know how you are feeling? If not, share it with her outside of the bedroom.

[tomuch]

tomuch, I just read your previous thread. Are your current insecurities due to the porn or are you concerned she is emotionally straying again?

As excon said, normal varies from couple to couple. It is all about what you as a couple find works for you.

I am concerned that there seems to be no communication between you or compromise. I think you need to sit down and have a discussion about the issue and find that compromise.

I will say that, if she is going full-tilt during the day, porn may be the quickest way to get her mind to go from laundry, children, work, cleaning, paying bills, etc. to being 'in the mood'. It may not be about you but about the amount of time she has had to get mentally aroused. Watching porn with your partner tends to get both the mental and physical kick started. Talking about fantasies can do the same thing if she is open to sharing.

Talk with her.

The emotional issue is long gone, we have put that behind us. Thanks for looking into that.

Yes as a man I have looked at this as what am I complaining about, I watch some porn with my wife and then have sex you that is cool and fun. That's why I introduced it to my wife ten years ago ( we've been married for over 13 now) and so we can get creative which once again it all has been fun, exciting etc. My point or situation here is more along the lines that Enigma1999 and DoulaLC talked about. Yes I'm cool with watching but when we started watching it it was on weekends so we could stay up late and not even every weekend. But now, we don't do it without watching it at all. I will ask her if she wants to watch one or she will ask me. When I try to be spontaneous and full of passion she tells me not now or not in the mood. I have talked to her and she told me that its her way of relaxing her mind from the day and getting into the mood. But then again she doesn't talk much always pushing everything under the rug and gives poor explanations of things. I do show her plenty of attention, according to a lot of marriage advice, books etc I should be telling her not tonight honey I need a break that's how well I take care of her, help her around the house, I am always looking for something to do in the point of helping her and giving her all the attention she asks for. Guess at the end of all this all of you had great advise and ideas and doesn't seem like I have anything to worry about.

[beachloverjohn]

The emotional issue is long gone, we have put that behind us. Thanks for looking into that.

Yes as a man I have looked at this as what am I complaining about, I watch some porn with my wife and then have sex ya that is cool and fun. That's why I introduced it to my wife ten years ago ( we've been married for over 13 now) and so we can get creative which once again it all has been fun, exciting etc. My point or situation here is more along the lines that Enigma1999 and DoulaLC talked about. Yes i'm cool with watching but when we started watching it it was on weekends so we could stay up late and not even every weekend. But now, we don't do it without watching it at all. I will ask her if she wants to watch one or she will ask me. When I try to be spontaneous and full of passion she tells me not now or not in the mood. I have talked to her and she told me that its her way of relaxing her mind from the day and getting into the mood. But then again she doesn't talk much always pushing everything under the rug and gives poor explanations of things. I do show her plenty of attention, according to a lot of marriage advice, books etc I should be telling her not tonight honey I need a break that's how well I take care of her, help her around the house, I am always looking for something to do in the point of helping her and giving her all the attention she asks for. Guess at the end of all this all of you had great advise and ideas and doesn't seem like I have anything to worry about.

I am a firm believer in the old saying "if it ain't broke why fix it." My advice is to read some of the other threads touching on this issue, and you will see that you probably have one of the healthiest sex lives on here. And try to look at the glass as half full, not half empty.

And I wouldn't worry about her replacing you with a blow up doll. No doll will ever be able to help her with the housework,

[Enigma1999]

i am a firm believer in the old saying "if it ain't broke why fix it." My advice is to read some of the other threads touching on this issue, and you will see that you probably have one of the healthiest sex lives on here. And try to look at the glass as half full, not half empty.

I agree with you, John, however, I think he wants that connection with his wife. Sure, people can have a lot of sex, but if there is no connection, then what's he point?

He could have stayed single for that and just have had casual sex with people that he didn't care about.

It's about passion for him, not just the sex. Or am I wrong?

[beachloverjohn]

I'm not sure Enigma, but you can't argue with 13 years of marriage. Maybe they just need a romantic getaway, a long weekend, candlelight dinner, no kids, hot bath together, bottle of champainge, soft music, rose pedals on the bed, And NO TV.

Listen I know guys that have to watch porn films before they have sex, but unfortunately they really do have to settle for a blow up doll. {they are very realistic, I must admit.. Only kidding}

[Enigma1999]

I'm not sure Enigma, but you can't argue with 13 years of marriage. maybe they just need a romantic getaway, a long weekend, candlelight dinner, no kids, hot bath together, bottle of champainge, soft music, rose pedals on the bed, And NO TV.

Listen I know guys that have to watch porn films before they have sex, but unfortunately they really do have to settle for a blow up doll. {they are very realistic, I must admit..Only kidding}

Agreed, and yes, NO TV!

[tomuch]

I agree with you, John, however, I think he wants that connection with his wife. Sure, people can have alot of sex, but if there is no connection, then what's he point?

He could have stayed single for that and just have had casual sex with people that he didn't care about.

It's about passion for him, not just the sex. Or am I wrong?

Thanks John and Enigma. And both make a very good point and helpful in this matter but Enigma your right sometimes I just want to have that connection with my wife. Kind of how I look at it is, sometimes I want to make love to her not just have sex. We don't have a lot of it about 2 to 3 times a month and I guess that doesn't help either, feeling like the connection isn't there, just the fun when she feels like having it.

[Enigma1999]

Thanks John and Enigma. And both make a very good point and helpful in this matter but Enigma your right sometimes I just want to have that connection with my wife. Kind of how I look at it is, sometimes I want to make love to her not just have sex. We don't have a lot of it about 2 to 3 times a month and I guess that doesn't help either, feeling like the connection isn't there, just the fun when she feels like having it.

To me, there is a difference between having sex and making love...

So I think that you should tell her this. Tell her that you WANT to be made love to. Explain to her how important it is for you.

It should go both ways here. You take part in her watching porn, and I think she should change things up a bit, and pursue you with a different approach.

[beachloverjohn]

Thanks John and Enigma. And both make a very good point and helpful in this matter but Enigma your right sometimes I just want to have that connection with my wife. Kind of how I look at it is, sometimes I want to make love to her not just have sex. We don't have a lot of it about 2 to 3 times a month and I guess that doesn't help either, feeling like the connection isn't there, just the fun when she feels like having it.

I do see your point. And I do have a confession to make, I just didn't want to worry you. I was married for 17 years and the only way I could have sex with my wife was if I thought of her as just a sex object. Once or twice a month was enough for me. I knew all along the reason why the sex was so imperonal. I no longer loved her. I couldn't make love to a woman that I was not in love with. Eventually, I left her for another woman. I have never talked about this before on this site, because it is not something I am proud of. But your story has reawakened the empty years that I spent with a woman I did not love. I may not have literallty watched porn films before sex, but I ran them through my mind just the same. Your issue maybe much more serious then I thought, only because your story has jarred my memory. But it is not too late to fix this. Counseling might be where you two should start.