[Askingquestion]

My girlfriend have been dating for four years, and having sex for the last 8 months or so. It took us a while because she's really religious, but she ended up giving in before we were married. Our first several times having sex were pretty much utter failures. Even after 30 minutes to an hour of foreplay, she wouldn't be wet enough for us to have sex. She'd usually have an orgasm, or several (unless she fakes them, idk) before we even tried. So it seemed like she was getting stimulated in the right ways, but just not getting wet.

Over the 8 months we've been having sex, we've probably only tried to have sex about 20 times, if even that much. Of those, I can remember like 5 or 6 times where she was wet enough for it to work. Sometimes she would be wet enough, but she would start saying it was pinching or hurting and we'd have to stop. I understand that she still feels guilty about having sex because she feels like she's going against her beliefs, so that is probably a factor. But is there more to interperet from this? I mean, we're 21 and 22 years old, I'd think it would be a struggle to keep us apart physically since we can freely have sex pretty much any time we're hanging out. Instead, it's more like some scheduled event that she seems like she's trying to get out of.

From what I'm saying it probably sounds like I'm just really bad at it, which could be, but I honestly don't think that's really it. I'll start kissing her, slowly transition to feeling around, then sometimes I'll go down on her and all that kind of stuff. So it's not like I'm just ramming it in there and ignoring the signals she sends me. So I feel like it's something else. Also when we do successfully have sex, it doesn't feel passionate to me, or personal. It just kind of feels like we're both fulfilling some sort of need, and it's not a romantic thing.

Any thoughts on what it could be? She's not on birth control, we just use condoms. Could she maybe be unsure about the relationship? I'm pretty sure she's attracted to me, because she tells me that sort of thing all the time. So I'm not thinking it's like she's repulsed by me or something either. My gut tells me that it has to do with something more than just going against her beliefs though.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[aimee_tt]

If your breaking up with your girl friend why do you need advice on how to get her to sleep with you.

I HOPE you didn't pressure her into having sex the first time. As this is the impresson I get. She doesn't want sex she wanted to wait till marriage and now when you try she feels guilty and doesn't want to do it.

Break up with her, You don't want to be with her so don't pull her along.

[Enigma1999]

You really need to be talking to her about this. It doesn't sound like the both of you have good communication. If you two have been together for 4 years, then you should know by now that you two can talk about this.

It really doesn't seem like you are being romantic with her. It's more than just being physical. It's mental as well. You need to build this up for her. That can consist of making her a nice dinner, talking to her about her day, looking into her eyes, grazing her cheek, telling her she is beautiful, giving her a back rub,etc...

Women, (well most) want to have that passion, want to feel special, want to be made love to. Not just some kissing and touching, then boom right for the sex.

I also just want to point out that not all women are the same. Some get really wet, some get wet, and some, not so much. Try using a jelly.

Again, stop worring so much about the physical aspect of it and start focusing on the mental.

The biggest thing here, is that you need to communicate with her. Talk talk talk.

Also, for the record, NO, I don't think she is cheating. I think she is feeling pressured. After all, you were her first, and SHE may feel as if she is not meeting up to your expectations in the bedroom. That's where you need to come in and reasure her that you love and care about her.

[Wondergirl]

"She ended up giving in before we were married." Giving in? What does that say about you? I'm more worried about your attitude toward her than I am about her "lack."

This is not about you and your "performance" -- sex is a performance? -- but it has everything to do with her and with how you relate to her.

Condoms are not enough protection to keep from getting pregnant. That may be her concern -- she really doesn't want a baby before marriage. Yeah, marriage.

You need to read up on sex and how to win a woman's heart. Sexual interest for a woman begins in her head and when she's far away from the bedroom. It sounds like you are obsessed with the mattress action. The sex books and how to romance a woman are located in the 612s at your local public library. There might be some in the psychology section, in the 150s, or in the how-to section, in the 600s, but check the card catalog for the exact number.

Being female and having grown up in a very religious home, I'm guessing her overriding feeling is guilt and not wanting to continue something she believes is wrong, but she wants to please you. Try this. Don't expect sex. Get your mind off it. Forget about it. No Sex! Love her with your eyes. Stroke her shoulder, her jawline, her eyebrows. Tuck stray hairs behind her ear. Hold her hand and massage it. Hug her and snuggle with her when you watch a movie or sit on the lake shore. Have fun with her. Connect with her mentally and emotionally. Breath in when she breathes out. Fill your lungs with her breath, and your nose with her scent. Get to know her really well, and let her get to know you. It's called sensate focus. You focus on the physical and emotional sensations in all five senses. Can you do that? If you do, I suspect you will notice a huge improvement in her comfort level with you.

[Askingquestion]

I appreciate all of the advice so far. And honestly I've never been very obsessed with sex, otherwise I wouldn't have waited 3+ years for it. I'm sure there was pressure that she sensed, but I did my best not to make it overt. I've been feeling like other areas of our relationship are drying up as well, but she doesn't seem to be noticing, or at least showing that she's noticing. So I was wondering if the sexual problem could be a clue to some of her feelings.

And I see what you mean about being romantic. I've tried before, but I also think that just like there are romantic dates and casual dates: there is romantic and casual sex in relationships. And she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, but I just can't picture being married magically fixing this. You usually hear about how a lot of sexual relationships turn into what I'm already experiencing *after* getting married. Again though, I'm not really wondering because I'm missing out on the act of sex, but because I think it says something about our relationship.

[Askingquestion]

We use condoms and pull out, lol. I know it's not perfect but it's pretty safe. Condoms for precum and just in case, and I pull out to be sure.

[Enigma1999]

I appreciate all of the advice so far. And honestly I've never been very obsessed with sex, otherwise I wouldn't have waited 3+ years for it. I'm sure there was pressure that she sensed, but I did my best not to make it overt. I've been feeling like other areas of our relationship are drying up as well, but she doesn't seem to be noticing, or at least showing that she's noticing. So I was wondering if the sexual problem could be a clue to some of her feelings.

And I see what you mean about being romantic. I've tried before, but I also think that just like there are romantic dates and casual dates: there is romantic and casual sex in relationships. And she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, but I just can't picture being married magically fixing this. You usually hear about how a lot of sexual relationships turn into what I'm already experiencing *after* getting married. Again though, I'm not really wondering because I'm missing out on the act of sex, but because I think it says something about our relationship.

That's where I think that you need to talk to her and find out what's on her mind.

[Wondergirl]

FYI -- "Pulling-out" is the stupidest form of birth control, i.e. it isn't one. There are lots of people driving around who started as "pull-out" babies.

Pulling out is NOT safe!!

[Wondergirl]

Back in the day, most of us waited until marriage to have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting. It CAN BE done.

Your thinking is all about "you" (not her).

[Askingquestion]

I'm sure it's well intentioned, but bashing me for being some sort of sex-loving mongrel isn't really getting to what I was asking. Sorry if I was unclear, and I appreciate the time you all have put in to respond either way. Just to respond and clarify to a few comments: waiting 3+ years is actually pretty tough, I'm not sure if you've ever tried it, but back in the day when most people waited until marriage to have sex, dating was also a much shorter process. People usually got married well before the second year, or after a couple months. So it's a kind of out-dated tradition. I was open with her, so she knew I thought that, but I never tried to persuade her into having sex. By giving in, I pretty much meant she gave in to her own desire to have sex, and, since I was already ready myself - that meant that we had sex.

And really the root of what I'm trying to ask is if sexual problems are an indication of a bigger problem in the relationship. Or if sexual problems are just sexual problems, and need to be addressed by themselves.

[answerme_tender]

Perhaps not having sexual relations until married some would consider out-dated tradition. I believe its does come down to your individual believes, rather it be religion,morals, up bringing, or simple physical and emotional maturity. Only the individual knows. But I will say this, as my opinion, I do believe a lot of young people are influenced into that sexual maturity way before they should be. Perhaps social standings at school, television, magazines. We all think we have solutions,but how to put them into construtive means, I don't know.
I would say young man that you just need to give this lady her space. It may be time to move on for you. This will have to be your choice. Good luck

[Wondergirl]

I'm not sure if you've ever tried it, but back in the day when most people waited until marriage to have sex, dating was also a much shorter process. People usually got married well before the second year, or after a couple months. So it's a kind of out-dated tradition.

*cough* When was "back in the day"? I dated a guy for six years and almost married him. There was NO SEX during those six years. I was a virgin (as was he) when I married someone else three years later (I had known and dated the guy for over two years). The six-year guy was a virgin when he married about the time I did. We were all between 21 and 23.

I sure don't know how or where you are getting your history of dating. People used to go together for years without having sex -- until their wedding night. My parents dated, some of it long distance while she was in Idaho and he in Missouri, for three years, and I'm sure my mom and dad were virgins on their wedding night (aged 21 and 26).

I never tried to persuade her into having sex.

You never sweet-talked her into trying it? Read your next comment --

By giving in, I pretty much meant she gave in

"She gave in" says reams.

And really the root of what I'm trying to ask is if sexual problems are an indication of a bigger problem in the relationship.

You two don't have sexual problems. My best guess is that she is experiencing guilt for having crossed the line and has a preference not to get pregnant (since your birth control methods are very iffy).

[answerme_tender]

I agree Wonder, I dated the boy next door all way through high school and didn't get married till 22yro, we waited.

[beachloverjohn]

I just think she has certain rules for herself that she is not comfortable breaking. I think you might have to marry her if you want the sexual activity to increase. As far as the wetness, there are plenty of lubricants you can use, so that should never be a proble, Just respect her beliefs, standards, morals and be patient and respectful if you really love her. She sounds like a really good girl, and I would hang on to her. And if you have to question your feelings, then do this girl a favor and get out of her life.

[Askingquestion]

I appreciate the advice again. Though I do feel that it's hard to really give a sense of the relationship through text. It sounds a lot more one-sided when I describe it. The fact is, she made the decision to have sex with me before we were married. Anyone who says they could go four or five years without somehow showing that they wanted to have sex is probably lying, or wasn't attracted to their partner. So yeah, I'm sure she knew that I was ready before she was, but she also knew that I had told her I'd wait. So yes, she decided to do it. And I'm glad, because I still don't believe that marriage would fix it.

And wondergirl, you seem really hostile towards me for some reason. I'm not sure if something similar happened to you before or something, but I haven't found much of your feeback helpful to be honest. It just seems like you're trying to berrate me. You're taking quotes out of context and taking a lot of leeway in making assumptions about me and my relationship. And there's nothing iffy about wearing a condom and pulling out before I have an orgasm. I don't pull out in the middle of it, I pull out before it. And considering we've only reached that point like five times, I don't think we're at any great risk anyway. Birth control isn't 100% effective either. Nothing is. And she doesn't want to go on birth control because her parents have always thought birth control was why her mom miscarried before my girlfriend was born. So he parents don't want her on it, and she's afraid to do it.

[Wondergirl]

Anyone who says they could go four or five years without somehow showing that they wanted to have sex is probably lying, or wasn't attracted to their partner.

You misunderstand. OF COURSE, we wanted to have sex, but we didn't. That was my point. We rose above our physical urges. That was built into how we lived as teens and single young adults. Plus, helping us to rise above it all, there was no "push" by TV or the media or Hollywood to have premarital sex, our families were against it, American society was generally church-going (e.g. ALL stores were closed on Sundays) so that pre-marital sex was considered immoral, and there was no reliable birth control except for abstinence. Once the personal freedom and "rights" of the mid- to late '60s came upon us, all the "rules" were out the window. Bra-burning, free sex (and available birth control -- the Pill became available in 1972 for unmarried women), drugs, and flower children helped change how young people thought about morality.

Check out decade books on the 1950s and 1960s if you doubt me.

[Wondergirl]

And wondergirl, you seem really hostile towards me for some reason.

I'm not hostile to you. I quoted you just as you wrote it and did not change anything.

And there's nothing iffy about wearing a condom and pulling out before I have an orgasm. I don't pull out in the middle of it, I pull out before it.

If you read some of the Adult Sexuality threads on this site and read responses from medical experts, "pulling out" at any time during intercourse does not work as birth control. (Do you know anything about how the male body works?) Post that as a new thread and ask about its effectiveness. See what replies you get. And as far as risk goes, every time you have intercourse, even using THREE forms of birth control, you are at risk of getting the girl pregnant. (I will refer you to the Adult Sexuality expert who affirms it happened to her, if you like. And if can happen once, it can happen again.)

he parents don't want her on it, and she's afraid to do it.

In your own words, there's proof of what I concluded about her reluctance.

[beachloverjohn]

You misunderstand. OF COURSE, we wanted to have sex, but we didn't. That was my point. We rose above our physical urges. That was built into how we lived as teens and single young adults. Plus, helping us to rise above it all, there was no "push" by TV or the media or Hollywood to have premarital sex, our families were against it, American society was generally church-going (e.g. ALL stores were closed on Sundays) so that pre-marital sex was considered immoral, and there was no reliable birth control except for abstinence.

Once the personal freedom and "rights" of the mid- to late '60s came upon us, all the "rules" were out the window. Bra-burning, free sex, drugs, and flower children helped change how young people thought about morality.

Check out decade books on the 1950s and 1960s if you doubt me.

Yeah, those were the good old days.

[Wondergirl]

yeah, those were the good old days.

Remember when there were only so many shows on TV, then the flag come on the screen along with the playing of the "Star Spangled Banner" and then the test pattern. No more TV until Kukla, Fran, and Ollie in the morning. Cable TV was unheard of, we still had party phone lines in many places, moms stayed home to raise the kids, and a family had only one car. You couldn't buy meat at the grocery store after maybe 5 or 6 o'clock on weekdays, most families went to church or synagogue on Sunday mornings, and most stores closed at 5 or 6 p.m. during the week. We had no calculators (but I did have an abacus!) or cell phones. Young people have no idea of the advantages they have. (Now I sound like my grandmother.)

Or are you too young for those memories?

[Askingquestion]

Yeah, but you can't compare your generation to ours either. Religious ties are a lot looser for most. You might be shocked to see how many kids start having sex as soon as middle school. Most of my friends had by freshman year. I think we did good.