[asking]

In most cases and situations where this is occuring its because of divorce Even in intact families as when I was growing up. I heard the phrase " wait till your father gets home" many times in my friends homes. So yes it happened in the past and it continues through today. That is why for parents bio and extended to agree on what types of disipline are acceptable and who is going to do what. If they can't agree on that then there really is no point in continuing the relationship further as they are headed for that train wreck. Its just a matter of time.

Many good points. This couple seems to have arrived at the train wreck. I think we all agree.

[Kitkat22]

Take the advice. No child should have the power to hold their parents hostage and that is what your daughter is doing.

If your husband coddles and begs and gives into her after she throws one of her fits, he's as much to blame as she is , maybe more.

You and he need to sit down without your daughter and have a long talk.
Find out why he gives in to her. Tell him it's going to stop.

You sound so desperate and you will find help here

[YeloDasy]

All the responses seem to be helpful advice.

I want to add that she mentioned her daughter had some anxiety and other issues, and I do wonder about any school issues such as delay or peer issues. These things will exaggerate her behaviors. Kids do not act out like adults. Kids act out because there is a reason. YES, the parents here have allowed it go on, and really needed help a long time ago. But the girl needs help and should be assessed to find out what is really going on.

If she gets a good therapist, it may take time, but she can help learn more about the girl. Anxiety to a child can seem like death. So someone needs to get into her head and her heart to find out what is really going on. The problem is... she has learned this is the way to deal with her feelings and by no means is it okay.

I would totally agree that more consequences need to be given. My only concerns, if she really has some issues that are causing her emotions, it will make her feel worse inside, such as more self harm behavior.

I would ask you to get help and NOT WAIT FOR THE MFT.

Some ideas:
1. you can ask for therapist right away.
2. If she become harm to self or others, you need to call crisis team or take her to behavior health hospital
3. get the school involved. It will not help with the legal aspect of her attending, but the school might be able to talk with her
4. Ask her what she needs in order to attend the school she has to go to. Hold your ground and do not let it veer off.

I do think a lot of things need to be talked with a therapist and you need support to deal with these behaviors. And to help you understand what is really going on with her.

[YeloDasy]

So just to clarify, kids have a voice, and it is their behavior. Especially the harm to self and others. The parents have allowed her behavior to continue and they need a lot of support at this point to be strong and reverse her learned behaviors. These behaviors need to be unlearned... and you need professionals. And please, again... do not wait... you said in your post you were waiting for a MFT... you can see and licensed therapist... and you can get in ASAP for a lot of them.

And therapy for children is not at all about giving them advice, its about learning about themselves. It is really simple if you have a good one. :)