[hb35706]

I have been broken up from my daughters mom for almost 4 years now and I'm still very much in love with her but she refuses to work it out with me and be the family that I want to be, recently she decided to start dating again and it's killing me.. I don't want this new man around my child and to make matters worse she will not allow me to know who this person is.. As a father do I have a right to know who my child is around?

[Kitkat22]

I'm not a lawyer so I'll speak as a parent. If your wife is dating a new man it's good to know what kind of person he is.

Just make it clear you want to meet the man and it's because you want to know if he is a good person. Maybe one of the Lawyers here could tell you your legal recourse.

[kp2171]

I think its not unreasonable to know who your child is around within reason...

But you complicate this.

You are still in love with her... or at least you still haven't moved on. You are upset that she has moved on. There's a lot of frustration and anger in your post.

Look... I'm divorced. My son lives with his mother. She loves another man. It can be maddening.

You need to let go of her. There's a lot of peace in accepting that you might love her but you cannot be together. It is that simple, and that hard.

She can choose to be with whomever she wants to be and you don't have to like it. Having a child together binds you in a way... but it doesn't let you have any say about who she is with... outside of real, present danger for the child... your ex's bedroom is none of your biz.

Stay out of it. And don't mix your child into the frustration of this issue. He could be a flippin' beacon of light in a dark world and you'd still be upset.

The issue is not the child... its you are not over her and she is moving on.

[Kitkat22]

i think its not unreasonable to know who your child is around within reason...

but you complicate this.

you are still in love with her... or at least you still havent moved on. you are upset that she has moved on. theres a lot of frustration and anger in your post.

look... im divorced. my son lives with his mother. she loves another man. it can be maddening.

you need to let go of her. theres a lot of peace in accepting that you might love her but you cannot be together. it is that simple, and that hard.

she can choose to be with whomever she wants to be and you dont have to like it. having a child together binds you in a way... but it doesnt let you have any say about who she is with... outside of real, present danger for the child... your ex's bedroom is none of your biz.

stay out of it. and dont mix your child into the frustration of this issue. he could be a flippin' beacon of light in a dark world and youd still be upset.

the issue is not the child... its you are not over her and she is moving on.

I couldn't have said it better and I mean that... Kit

[hb35706]

I'm not a lawyer so I'll speak as a parent. If your wife is dating a new man it's good to know what kind of person he is.

Just make it clear you want to meet the man and it's because you want to know if he is a good person. Maybe one of the Lawyers here could tell you your legal recourse.

I agree with your comment but we were never married our child was born out of wed lock, her reason for not allowing me to meet this person is because she fears I will come in between the situation and mess it up, Most of what I'm going through is emotional -- a feeling of loss-- feeling replaced if I may put it in those terms and it sucks, I never wanted to be a part time dad I want full time status..

[hb35706]

i think its not unreasonable to know who your child is around within reason...

but you complicate this.

you are still in love with her... or at least you still havent moved on. you are upset that she has moved on. theres a lot of frustration and anger in your post.

look... im divorced. my son lives with his mother. she loves another man. it can be maddening.

you need to let go of her. theres a lot of peace in accepting that you might love her but you cannot be together. it is that simple, and that hard.

she can choose to be with whomever she wants to be and you dont have to like it. having a child together binds you in a way... but it doesnt let you have any say about who she is with... outside of real, present danger for the child... your ex's bedroom is none of your biz.

stay out of it. and dont mix your child into the frustration of this issue. he could be a flippin' beacon of light in a dark world and youd still be upset.

the issue is not the child... its you are not over her and she is moving on.

I will give you your kudos you read between the lines very very well, Yes you are totally correct I do complicate the situation because I haven't been able to let go of her.. My issue is very much emotional cause all I want is to be with my little girl and with her being 3 years old it's hard to explain why daddy is not with her at all times.. This part time father thing is terrible.

[Kitkat22]

I will give you your kudos you read between the lines very very well, Yes you are totally correct i do complicate the situation because i haven't been able to let go of her.. My issue is very much emotional cause all i want is to be with my little girl and with her being 3 years old it's hard to explain why daddy is not with her at all times.. This part time father thing is terrible.

Kp is giving you great advice. Listen. I know it hurts to love someone who no longer loves you, but right now your child should be your first priority. Good Luck... :)

[kp2171]

My issue is very much emotional cause all i want is to be with my little girl and with her being 3 years old it's hard to explain why daddy is not with her at all times.. This part time father thing is terrible.

I know how ja feel, bub.

Nothing like... after spending a couple of great hours with my son, 6, and tucking him into bed at his mothers house to hear "why can't you live with me papa?"

Right to the heart.

But the answer isn't I can't live with him... its I'm healthier being over her. Of course, he doesn't hear this... but its hell to hang onto a love that is way gone.

So don't.

Find the thing that pushes you over the line. And then again and again and again. For me... there were probably three or four Really Big Acceptances where I was able to step back a notch or four.

All I can do is be the best dad I can be in the time I have. I want more time that ill never have. I know I'm missing moments everyday.

But he Knows my love. He knows how much I like being with him. He knows how vested I am in him. He trusts my love.

So... yep... it hurts to know I'm missing things. Hurts to know somebody else might get to see those moments I "deserve" to have... but that's twisted thinking.

My job is to find a way to be healthy for myself. It might be unfortunate, inconvenient, and hard to know that means letting go of her... but its better here. Really, honestly better.

And my job is to be a father to my son. It might not take the exact shape I want or expect or hope for... but it is still awesome and worth it... and I know my kid knows I love him. He trusts my love.

After that, its all just details and noise.

[talaniman]

I know your hurt, but making demands of your ex, is not the way to go. Stay out of her business, until you have facts, and not just feelings that this will harm your daughter.

Br careful how you answer her questions also as she doesn't have to know your feelings, just that she is loved by you both, in age appropriate ways and should not be brought into adult business.

Actually, both parents should be on the same page concerning your child, no matter the feelings between the adults.

[Kitkat22]

You need to let go and it's hard to do. Keep your daugter safe, let her know she will always have you and let the ex-girfriend get on with her life.

In order to do that you have to realize she is out of your life and has started a new one. If the guy she's with is good to your daughter and you do find out he's a decent guy then its OK.

Start living your life again and you'll find there are many people who are going through the same thing as you. Let Go of the past.

[positiveparent]

Its not like its been 4 weeks, did you expect your ex to become a nun or something?

Did you go NC when you broke up, if not perhaps that's why you're still clutching at straws.

I can see you concerns over your child however I have to ask, are you sure its totally over your concerns for her that you're now making an issue out of it all, because subconsciously you could just be using this to ensure your ex stays alone. Because of your hopes to get her back, have to say the likelihood of that happening after all this time is pretty remote to non existent.

You could always run a background check on this man, you only need his name I believe.

[Jake2008]

I think it is fair to say that who she dates, is none of your business.

There wasn't enough compatablility to marry her, and she clearly has moved on during the past 4 years that you have been apart.

You even pre-judge who she dates, and figure you have some say in the matter. You don't.

Why are you still dreaming of being a family. And if this is still so raw for you, after four years, it might be a good idea to get yourself into therapy, and work through it all so that you can move on, and live your own life.

I think running a background check, or insisting on meeting him, or anything else to solve your curiosity is unnecessary, and invasive. Why are you questioning your ex girlfriends character in her choice of men, that you don't know, and never will. If she is a good person and a good mother, at least enough for you to want her back, I'm sure other men see these qualities in her too, and she would not jump into a relationship with a 'bad man'.

The relationship is over. Please seek counselling to help you realize that.

[Kitkat22]

I do agree about getting to know something about the guy... it is your child. I do however question if you r motives are more for the sake of keeping tabs on the ex.

The child will be visiting you I assume? Leave the ex alone... she doesn't want you. Give the guy a chance... but ask to meet him.

Any parent would worry about their child being around someone they know nothing about. These days you can't assume someone is okay, just because he seems nice.
You also cannot assume he's bad until you have evidence or he has a questionable past. The ex , I would hope would protect her child.

[Fr_Chuck]

Unless there is something in the child custody agreement, that states she has to tell you, sorry, you have no legal right

Next if you visit with your child enough, then you will know your child is safe, ( that is all that matters) who he is does not

[Kitkat22]

Get over the ex... move on. Don't use the child against her mother.
As Fr_Chuck stated.. the child matters most.

I would hope your ex would have sense enough not bring a pedophile into the house. I really don't think you have any recourse but to accept this.

I'm not a lawyer so I can't tell you what you have to do... just move on...

[Jake2008]

You have been hanging onto a dream of reconcilliation, that is not going to happen. 4 years is enough hanging around hoping she will change her mind.

You have no more influence over who she decides to date, than you do over any other woman. She is single, she is not involved with you except for your child together, she can do as she pleases. The ties were cut four long years ago.

If it weren't for the child together, I think you would still be doing the same thing, and doing everything you can to get back with her.

As has been said, don't use the child as an excuse to cause trouble for her. You may or may not like the man she is with, your opinion does not count. Please don't see this as an opportunity to grill your child and put words in his mouth in order to justify your 'concern' about this man.

Hopefully you will be able to let go of her, and find another woman. In which case, I hope your ex doesn't do the same sorts of things as you are doing.

[Kitkat22]

Jake is right... don't grill the child.
Forget the ex. Find someone else.