[wizzkid89]

First, I want to say, I know this doesn't help, that you have one hell of a problem. In my opinion, I honestly think counseling would be your best bet. When I looked at your situation, there was no immediate quick fix remedy that could be given, I believe someone mentioned that earlier, val I think. The problem with counseling, is that your son might end up resenting you for it, and there are problems going that way. As for being a more "stricter dad", I see that working but not without counseling. You could set in place stricter rules, but let's be honest your son will find a way around them. Shut him out of your house, and he might end up just staying at a friends all night. Or he might seem to agree to your rules, until you slack off, and then he will bring them crumbling down. I do believe you as a person need to get a stricter backbone, but let's face it, you were all alone in raising this child. You couldn't be the one who spoils and the one who enforces, you had to choose and usually it is the one who spoils. At the time you lost your wife, you probably, either consciously or subconsciously, were looking for affection, and treating your kid with less rules, more treats, toys, etc. was the easiest way of attaining that. I personally think you are a good parent just put in an extremely hard situation. Know, however, that you can fix this. As far as my advice goes, I don't believe you need to just place more rules down on him, I think you should go to counseling, develop a stronger sense of self not only for your kid but for yourself, and then you can put rules in place. But he is old enough now, that I think it might be possibly to confront him like an adult. Tell him what you don't want going on and try and work it out. Like I said this is a hard situation, and I am not a professional, and a professional is really all that can help you now. Good luck.

[J_9]

I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.

Personally, I think this sentence speaks volumes!!

You do realize that eventually there will come a day when you have to be alone. He will grow up and get married and move out.

I think you need some intense counseling, both you, alone, and family, with your son.

Are you trying to be his friend rather than his father so that you can keep him around? Dangerous mix if that is the case.

[SingleDad]

Sorry but you can't really blame me I have a 16 year old son I didn't even want and I'm only 32.
Im not trying to be his friend I'm strugling just trying to be his dad.
Noting can get true to this kid I could beat him up and he still wouldn't care.
The only reason he was born was to make my life hell and the last line I wasn't thinking he can leave I don't care he's already messed up my life he can't do anything that would make it worse!
Intense counseling is not want I need its him to leave!

[wizzkid89]

With that kind of attitude I'm amazed you came here in the first place to better your situation with your son. If you truly don't care about your son, then give him over to someone who does, the world has enough apathetic parent's as it is, and it really upsets me that you think your son is nothing but a curse upon your life, and if so YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM. I refuse to help on this thread anymore, I can see it's just a major waste of time seeing that you are just counting the days till he packs his bags...

[talaniman]

Sorry but u can't really blame me I have a 16 year old son I didn't even want and I'm only 32.

A 32 year old half raised brat, trying to raise a teen-ager.

[cjcjz4]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But hes like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he wont talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do????

How old is he?

[wanger]

It could also be just a phase the boy is going through. Did you think of that? Somewhere between 10 and 18 they begin to get smarter and have a tendency to push to see just how much they can get away with. My son who is now 24 went through such a phase from around 11 through 15 or 16. We had one heck of a time with him and a lot of it stemmed from his mother and I breaking up. It takes a toll of kids. They are not as adaptable as adults and instead of reasoning out a situation, they tend to retaliate and most of the time it is not pretty. Get the boy some counceling, but go yourself first and talk with the councelor and explain everything that has been going on. My folks sent me to one when I was 11 simple because I was doing some unethical things, such as stealing and lying. They discovered with me it was just the fact that I had been the baby for 7 years and then my mother had my younger brother and all the attention was then on him. I retaliated by misbehaving. Give it a shot. All it can do is fail.

[J_9]

Sorry but u can't really blame me I have a 16 year old son I didn't even want and im only 32.
Im not trying to be his friend im strugling just trying to be his dad.
Noting can get true to this kid I could beat him up and he still wouldnt care.
The only reason he was born was to make my life hell and the last line I wasn't thinking he can leave I don't care hes allready messed up my life he can't do anything that would make it worse!!
Intense counseling is not want I need its him to leave!!

You have a 16 year old son you didn't even want! You think he does not know this? Well, I am sure he does. I am sure he knows you didn't want him every time you are mad at him.

The only reason he was born was to make your life hell!! I am sure you have told him this before too.

With an attitude like this I am not surprised he is acting up!!

I was trying to stand behind you and help, now I see the real person coming out. You need some serious therapy to help deal with the loss of his mother and how to be a father.

I am beginning to feel sorry for your son if this is the attitude to take with him.

[wanger]

how old is he?

:mad: I am sorry that I tried to help you now. If you have this type of attitude, then it is not the boy that needs help. It's you! You need to grow up and realise that that boy had no control over his coming into this world and it is your responcibility to raise him. He has no means of support and also needs adult guidance through his early years and obviously he's not going to get it from you. If you feel this strongly about not raising him, then you should have thought about that before you had unprotected sex with his mother. You do know that is what happens when you sick IT in that little hole, don't you?? Grow up!

[talaniman]

I have found that when people don't love their own flesh and blood, it's a very good indication that they don't love themselves. I suspected from the start that this so-called Dad had issues with himself that had nothing to do with having a teen aged son. While I recognise that teenagers are frustrating, it is also very exhilarating to watch them get to that young adult stage, and when he offered nothing but the worst and never mentioned his love for his son, I knew this kid would be at risk for misery and pain because the one who was supposed to raise nurture and love him would not get off his dead and get help for himself, so his son would not have to suffer. What a shame , and to think he came here for advice? He is looking for a way out where there is none. He needs help and lots of it, to stop the cycle that he probably had to go through... Not knowing how to love.

[Duran Duran luver]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But hes like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he wont talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do????

Do you have a religion? Catholic, Christian? Take him to church have someone pray for him! Im a kid too(even if he's not a kid take him) and when I have a problem I go to my Church since Im Christian and, I have someone pray for me! When someone prays for me I just feel loved and beautiful! All of your problems just go away, but you have to keep on going! In church you can scream, cry, laugh, and just express all of your feelings, it feels good! I may only be a girl but I know this works! Even with one of the toughest people in the WORLD!! Pick a day of the and take him every week!

[SingleDad]

I really didn't mean to say what I did.
But my son was brought home by the cops at 4.00 in the morning.
Don't worry I never ever said that to him I couldn't.
I tried not yelling at him when he came back so every thing I wanted to say I wrote on page 2.Sorry

[imation]

Well I don't know how much help I will be able to be on this topic.. but I can definitely give you a new perspective...
For I.. Am a 17 year old guy who spends almost every waking moment in my room with the door shut and the music on. I am essentially, your sons best friend lol.
I don't know what you can do, because how ever much my mum reaches out I just seem to go furthur away... something that I'm sure of already if he is anything like me, he opens up a lot when he is with people he is comfortable around, the girl you found him with perhaps?
He probably feels that its stupid to open up to you and would be embarrassed.. I know I would
Taking away his music is definitely a bad move, music is a huge part of a teenage boys life... if my music was taken away probably after no more than a day would go by and I wouldn't be able to take it. It's a release. A saviour.
Maybe there's nothing you can actively do to change the situation, believe me if I could think of anything then id say so, maybe you need to focus on preventing the bad situations, preventing arguments and fights, try to concentrate on giving him his own space and not intruding with things or making him feel like he shouldn't be doing things, and at the same time try to give him hints that you want to spend time with him, go grab some good movies and some fast food and ask him if you got any movies that he wants to watch with u, sit down and watch it and try not to go furthur and start reaching out to him straight away, the more good time you have the furthur along the road you will be to a healthy relationship
Let me know if I helped at all
Good luck!

[valinors_sorrow]

I really didnt mean to say what I did.
But my son was brought home by the cops at 4.00 in the morning.
Dont worry I never ever said that to him I couldn't.
I tried not yelling at him when he came back so every thing I wanted to say I wrote on page 2.Sorry

You certainly do manage to miss the point, don't you? You might not have meant to say what you did... but you do mean the sentiments. And kids have a way of picking up on even the unspoken stuff. It is plain as day on this thread that if you don't fix you, you aren't in a position to affect your son. I will presume that since you claim you are such a helpless victim and readily blame outside uncontrollable circumstances as your rational to do nothing, that he does the same. Like father, like son.

He will wear his hurt as some sort of badge of honour -- both the genuine parts and the trumped up parts he added on himself. "Its not my fault"-- will become his loophole and his motto. This will guarantee him a life of slow failure and ever growing deeper confusion. His life will be painful to live, attracting other bad stuff along the way. Should he live long enough and fail often enough, he may hit bottom and then find his way into the care of someone like me. By then his life will be a total trainwreck, he may have even considered suicide and he won't have anything to lose by trusting me, finally. And so we might begin the long challenging road to recovering the life he was supposed to have. If he is lucky and lives. And here you thought I was talking about your son! I was but this could probably be you too, and perhaps your father before you even -- it is how its handed down, generation after generation.

Consider this, a picture from the "ghost of the future", when you brush it all off as nothing that you can do anything about, okay?

[talaniman]

There is no shame in not knowing what to do, we all go through that at one time or another. The thing to do, if you don't know, ask, and then go about doing it. So in your case you have asked and the question has been answered, so what's the excuse going to be now? If your son doesn't get some sort of professional help he may becoming another statistic of a failed life as Val has pointed out very well.

[Leocadiya]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But hes like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he wont talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do????

Try doing something together that he likes... something constructive where both you and him can be equally engaged and then this will cause you two to start building a relationship... or start interacting and maybe some mutual understanding will start to form!

[thebbbabygirl]

Well I've tried using the advice some people gave me to help me deal with my son.
But hes like talking to a wall.
I tried taking away his things from him when he did something bad but it all backfired and now he wont talk to me and spends most of his time in his in his room with his music turned up full blast.
He is also falling behind in school work and he hardly eats.
I need help because I can't send him 2 boarding school then I'll have no one.
What should I do????

Pray If he is a teenager Pray, if he not a teen ager pray with my 14 years old this is what I found work is pray--Believe me it works...

[Morganite]

Hes 16 his mom died when he was 2 i didn't think he would need therapy.
Anyway if this was why he was doing this I would have tought he would have done this sooner (he hasn't done this before).
I don't think hes being bullied he has loads and loads of friends.
What do u mean I could be at his funeral??
Hes not on drugs I looked in his room.
He seems to on the computer alot when Im at work then rushes 2 turn it off when I come back.
I caught him in his room with a girl having sex.
I allready tried taking away his music but took my keys and got them out of the drawer.

Family counselling seerms to be indicated.

Good luck.

M:)

[SingleDad]

Am... I know I couldn't be more messed up then I already am but I found out I have Cancer.

[Thomas1970]

Am....I know I couldn't be more messed up then I already am but I found out I have Cancer.

I as well am very sorry to hear about this, but perhaps this is your body's way of telling you not to harbor resentment, and to make an effort toward reconciliation? In such a case, it will be imperative to both your own long-term survival, and perhaps your son's as well. It certainly gives you moment for pause.
If you really want help and support, it is available, here and elsewhere.
Good luck. Take care.