[Annsgirl]

My significant other moved into my home at his request 3 years ago. We have been together for several years total. His former wife is very bitter towards me and continues to cause drama. (Hang up calls, berating me, spreading stories, telling him to come to his senses, denigrating my religion). He is more than generous to her financially , as he should be, and is polite to her when they speak. She phones him at work or on his mobile phone constantly for one reason or another, knows every trip he takes, where he is,etc. His attorney advised him long ago not to take her calls but he does. She is a recovering alcoholic, admits to severe emotional problems, used to threaten suicide and has had a gambling problem. She admits she was not a good wife and was an inattentive absentee mother to their now adult daughter, an only child. Now she wants to make amends with her daughter, which is a good thing for both of them, but she has told her ex in the past that she will poison their daughter's mind against him. Instead, she has created a web of hateful untruths about me and has told him that in her mind, he will always be her husband and no one will destroy "their family".
His daughter is happily married to a nice young man, they are in their 30's and have just had their first baby. His ex has vowed that I will never be allowed to see or touch the baby. (I am medically trained in pediatrics, so it isn't her fear of my incompetency).
I want my significant other to enjoy this wonderful experience of being a grandfather and to be able to feel free about sharing it with me. According to him, he raised his daughter mostly alone as her mom would not go anywhere with them for years, so she "replaced" her mother as his companion on trips, events, outings. She loves him dearly. He also enjoys a very good relationship with my children and grandchildren and they are very supportive of our relationship. His daughter wants nothing to do with meeting my children. He and I ARE in love and want to share our lives. It has been a rough time for us... his daughter does not want me in her home or even for me to know where she lives. She will not be anywhere I am. She complains that she can never talk to him except at work or if he is out of our house because she refuses to call our home and does not want him to call her from ours. She talks to him as though he lives alone and has a life with no one in it. She says she does not want him back with her mother as she knows they are toxic to one another and claims she wants him to be happy. Yet...
He goes to daughter's home frequently to dinner, lunch, parties... and to be with the little newborn grandchild. He comes home to me as if all is well and doesn't even talk about it. It's as if he has two separate lives and he sees nothing wrong with it. Daughter will not speak about me or acknowledge my existence... She wants to take a "family vacation" in our RV with her father, husband, child and dog... but without me. My guy assumed that would be okay with me... it isn't. They can go by air, sea, car, bicycle or walk but not in something that belongs to us together unless we all go. He just doesn't understand the pain it causes.
He says he has tried to "talk" to her about it, but that he doesn't want to spoil his relationship with her.
His ex seems to be doing much better in her life, but her controlling obsession is splitting him apart from me with hurt feelings. He doesn't know how to place me at his side and resist the apparent temptation to hide me to avoid conflict. He and I have many friends and lead an active life with many shared as well as separate interests. I am fully willing to welcome his daughter, her husband and child into our lives on whatever terms she feels comfortable... even if it is simply a polite acknowledgement that I am a person. Her husband (whom I've never met... I was excluded from the wedding) is disturbed by his wife's behavior but says nothing. How does this ever get resolved? She and I are both highly educated and I have known her since she was a teen. The fact that her dad has chosen to be with me has made me her mortal enemy. She will not tell her father why. I feel that this situation will cause our breakup, and, of course, marriage is out of the question for him until she "comes around" but we are in our mid 60's and would like to enjoy our years left. I know it is hard for him, but I find myself losing respect for him... and for his daughter. It appalls me that someone can be so cruelly rude and he so forgiving of her bad behavior. Does this situation admit a resolution?

[DoulaLC]

Since she is no longer a teen, and you have known her for a very long time, why not have a talk with her yourself... woman to woman? You both have something very special in common, her father/your partner, and you both want him to be happy. Obviously he should be the one to talk to her, but if he won't then you might have to. You deserve to have happiness with the man you love.
It is unfortunate that she is being selfish and doesn't see it; would be even worse if she knows it, but doesn't care.

Maybe write her a letter, offer an invitation, acknowledge that perhaps things got off on the wrong foot, for some reason or other, and that you would like to be on good terms with her for her father's sake if nothing else. Perhaps present it as that you know she wants her father to be happy and that right now he is feeling very torn because it appears she is not interested in having a relationship with you, and you know that can't be it because you know she wouldn't want to put him in such a situation, etc...

[DoulaLC]

She may not speak to you as in face to face or on the phone, but she may read a letter when she is in her own home, at her own time, when she is by herself. Odds are the intrigue would be too much to resist!
Her father could drop it off for you on one of his visits. Of course she could just toss it in the trash without opening it, but it can't hurt to try... might even send it along with a nice candle or something else for her home... :) This way too your partner will know that you took the high road and made a heartfelt attempt at mending the bridge.

[talaniman]

A letter is a good way to reach out, unfortunately you can't change, or control, how another feels about anything. It is what it is, so back off, and put no pressure on your husband, to reconcile anything. Just enjoy your own life, and family, and give him space to enjoy his, and you.

I do agree that a vacation in the RV, should include you, and if it doesn't, let 'em walk.