[momofsix]

Hello Everyone,

Am new to this site, I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs and we have six kids between the two of us and we raised them all. Four Graduated and we have my two daugthers left to graduate. One a Senior and one a junior. My 18 yr old that is the senior, was molested by her real Father when she was 12 yrs. Old I didn't find out for two yrs. Protective services was involed and he lost all rights to my girls. She has seen doctors for this things were going great she had a boyfriend they were together for a year which was her junior year he broke it off and she got so depressed. She started hanging with the wrong kids I think she got into drugs, Skipping school last yr. I thought things were getting better in the summer, but as soon as school started (she is in cheerleading) she met this girl on the team and start hanging with her I don't care for the girl she has got her own problems with her dad, and I don't think it is good for my daughter. Anyway, We are back in school and since school has started she has missed maybe 25 days. Today her step-dad watched here leave and seen her pull into the apartments behind us and watched her and her friend sneak back to our house, I had just woke up to get ready to go to work and he told me so I went to the basement but couldn't find them. So I texted her and asked her why she wasn't at school that her dad seen her and her car and she said he was lying I told her I could see her car. She got mad and said she is moving out and would be gone before I got out of work, I didn't believe her because she has said that before and left for two or three days. Like another mother I paid her insurance and cell phone for the last 6 months we have taught are kids if they want a car and phone they have to pay the bills. She quit her job after her and her boyfriend broke up now she knows everything am wrong, we fight all the time and she tries to get me and my husband into fight which works, but she was gone with her stuff when I got home there is a few stuff she didn't take, But I told her I have had it I can't take it anymore, that if that is what she wanted to do is leave then leave. I can't handle the fighting anymore and paying for her stuff Remember she is 18 and I can't make her go to school or stay at home. Any help in any of this would be great:(

[ChihuahuaMomma]

While she is an adult and can really make her own choices. Perhaps you should persuade her to come home. But only under the condition that she gets a new job, doesn't lie to the two of you, and goes to school.

Where would she be staying if she is unemployed? With her friend that you don't approve of? This isn't good.

I suggest you try to get her to move back home, and once that is accomplished, recommend family therapy. A professional can really help you guys. Good luck to you.

[J_9]

First let me welcome you to AMHD.

I am sorry you are having to go through it all. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and it does not come with training or an instruction manual. I have 4 myself, the oldest is 21 and the youngest is 5.

With that said, is the cell phone bill in your name or hers? If it is in yours, cancel it. If it is in hers, stop paying the bill. Same goes for the car insurance. Is her car paid for? If not, whose name is it in and who makes the payments? Same goes for this one too. If the car is in your name, it is yours and you take it back, when, of course, you find it.

You are right, she is 18, you can't force her to go to school. But if she wants to act like an adult, she has to pay like an adult. For every choice we make, there are consequences. That goes for a 5 year old, as well as 18, and on upwards to our ages even.

When, and if, she wants to come home, there will be rules, boundaries set by you and your husband. She is to abide by them or she does not live there.

Again, it's all about choices and consequences. Whatever choice SHE makes, not you but her, there are consequences, good ones for good choices... oh, well, you get my point.

This will not be easy for you or your husband. The two of you need to sit down and be on board together. Have the same game plan. Neither one of you can cave in, or she will know, if she doesn't already, how to manipulate you. As I said, it won't be easy, but it can be done.

I wish you luck, and please do not hesitate to come here for a little moral support if you need it.

[momofsix]

J_9,
Thanks for the comment, I just think I need to hear it from someone else. As for the phone is in my name, But the car is hers she paid for it. I will check on the phone to see when the contract is up. That is what my other daugther said to do to, but it is the only way I can call or text her to make sure she is okay. I have found out that she is living with a boyfriend that we really don't want her to be with, he is black am not rasies but the way were raised we just don't approve of this, I just can't help it the way I feel. I have black friends but we think we should stay with are own kind. He is not a bad kid so I know she will be okay, plus her brother is with her, I kick him because he was seeing my daughter friend the one that was sneaking back in, and he is 20 yrs. Old he was doing good was doing the meps program for the Army and but I told him that he wasn't just going to sit around the house and not work ( had a job for 3 days and quit said he does not like retail) so with all that and everything else I told him to pack his stuff and go with his sister when she text me and told me that she will have all her stuff pack and gone for good before I get home from work and she did and so did he. Well I will try and do what you suggested. Thanks again

[cerisa]

Mom of six, I feel for you. We raised four children, now grown. We went though similar with one son, and one daughter. Usually they do come home again. Ours did after some tough love, a little time, and loss of a car each.
It is a cold world without an education and a job.
Stick to your guns. Be a united front, you and your husband. He needs to understand the necessity of this. She will drive a wedge between you if you don't stand together on your policies.

[zyi]

Well unfortunately this is probably only going to get worse before it gets better. Your daughter obviously is rebelling, and definitely doesn't have the kind of relationship with you that she can talk to you (may or may not be any fault of your own) I know when I was her age I thought my parents were stupid and didn't have a clue... I was sevearly wrong! But I was so hard headed I had to find out on my own. I think it is important for you to be loving but stearn. Let her return home but definitely put down some rules. She will always need her mom and you will always need her. I turely hope that she realizes that it is important for her to finish school and to get her issues under control. I am quite sure she needs a counsler or a good friend to hear her story and she probably chose this friend cause she went threw something similar and can relate. She must get her education though I droped out when I was 18 and now at 31 am having a lot of trouble getting on with my education, also I hope it doesn't take her as long to relize the worth of an education.
I'm sorry that she doesn't feal as if she can talk to you, as a parent that must be hard.
I wish you the best of luck with this situation, and just remember loving but firm (it may take her a while to realize you are just trying to help, but just stick with it)