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-   -   Rude and abusive adult child (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=403148)

  • Oct 6, 2009, 02:13 AM
    speaktome
    Rude and abusive adult child
    I have a mid thirties child who through no fault of her own is unemployed, living at home and diligently looking for work. I have supported her for a year and a half. There are times when she "wigs out", that is she becomes very very rude to me verbally abusive. I have tried to journal these episodes to find out what they relate to. I have discovered that they have no particular periodicy (for example with her period, or full moon or anything else I can identify) but when I pay attention to the content of what she yells it seems to be one form of blame or another towards me that is irrational, Fortunately, I have some ways of "reality check" in that there are adults and her sister who confirm that her "rantings" are way out of line. Interestingly, I find that a couple of friends also have a very similar situation with their child in the same age bracket ( for one she has many many children and the mid thirties child is the only one who has this behaviour pattern). Her sister told her that it is the "trend" in California (where none of us are, by the way) for children that age to "kick their parents in the teeth". So now there are 4 of us with a similar problem. Even if I were horrid (which by all independent opinions I am not) there is no excuse to be treated like that. One of my friends observed that "if what she says is irrational that is an indication that it is not really about you at all". I have said I will not tolerate being treated like that but that is an empty statement; I cannot enforce it. I won't kick her out in the cold with no money and no place to go and a restraining order is out of the question. She has finally agreed to go to counseling but I'm almost sure she will back out. Any insights?
  • Oct 6, 2009, 02:36 AM
    mudweiser

    Personally, I would tell her to pack her things and go.

    She's a little ingrate and I doubt she is trying that hard to get a job, it's been a year and nothing-- not even going back to school? What a waste. She could be at least flipping burgers to help pay for bills like an adult. She is just using you.

    Give her an ultimatum even with the counseling. I think she just threw you a bone-- I don't think she's all too serious about changing.

    ...but that's just me.


    Sarah
  • Oct 6, 2009, 03:52 AM
    speaktome
    Well the difficulty is that I agree that she is "using " me but she is not JUST using me.
    She has had some part time jobs (not gotten fired, they ended) and without going into detail I do know she is diligently looking for work. She has applied to "flipping burgers" jobs and only landed one. It lasted 4 days before they changed managers who changed all the staff. I truly cannot fault her for the job search effort. It is the way she treats me that I need some help with. I imagine "kicking her out" as you suggest. She has nowhere to go and nothing to get there with. I buy food but I do not give her spending money. If she ever gets any it is from an odd job or two. And the last thing she needs is another degree that gets her nothing but another student loan. No, just telling her to pack her things and go is the self righteous easy answer and does not help her or me solve the underlying problem WHICH I WISH I COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS
    But thanks anyway for your opinion.
  • Oct 6, 2009, 07:42 AM
    J_9
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by speaktome View Post
    No, just telling her to pack her things and go is the self righteous easy answer and does not help her or me solve the underlying problem

    Part of the underlying problem is that you are enabling her to stay at home and do nothing. Does she do chores? Help with bills? Pay rent?

    You say she has degrees.. In what? If she truly wanted to work, she would find a job. She's just using you because you let her.
  • Oct 6, 2009, 08:49 PM
    speaktome

    Not only does she help with chores she does more than is asked or expected, no problem there. She does not help with the bills as she has no money, and she does not pay rent. Her degrees are in a field that is laying off workers right now and I cannot buy that "if she truly wanted to work she would find a job". I see the daily efforts she makes, the interviews she gets, etc. to get ANY job. Her being at home and my supporting her right now is NOT the problem, the problem is how she treats me, how she speaks to me. All I've heard so far assumes that she "does nothing". Not true. It is what she DOES, the way she treats me verbally, without going into detail it is clearly verbal abuse.
  • Oct 6, 2009, 09:08 PM
    itsamor

    MOM!? I thought you didn't know how to use the internet :p
  • Nov 23, 2012, 09:03 PM
    ric9
    I am in a similar situation but I am the adult child who has had to move in with my mom due to unemployment. I like your daughter, do chores plus consume time looking back to get gainfully employed. I too am not very pleasant towards my mother which is something I hate. I really work hard to change that. Part of my reason in my behaving badly is my own frustrations. The reality is in some professions it is extremely hard to find employment and the hopelessness gets the better of us. I feel angry, tired, worried and unfortunately the only person around me right now is my mom who I take out my frustrations on. I feel like a failure, I hate being dependent especially on my mom. At her age I wanted her not to worry about me. Getting employment is almost impossible in some fields and there are no great other options either... this is a hopeless reality. I am sure your daughter hates herself for her rudeness. She is probably doing this because she is very unhappy with herself. It would be nice if somehow you could talk and find a way to avoid the pain. You sound as caring as my mom.
  • May 16, 2014, 03:44 PM
    bnking23
    It is so upsetting when people say stuff like "she could be at least flipping burgers" because that's not always possible. There was a point about 4 years ago when I was unemployed for almost a year. I applied anywhere and everywhere I could, including Home Depot, WalMart, McDonalds, Petsmart, Burger King, etc. None of the retail or fast food places would ever hire me. All I ever received from them were postcards in the mail stating that I was overqualified.

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