My husband and I recently took in our 9 yr old nephew. He was not living in the greatest household, and we decided he needed a change. He grew up in a very low income household and was rarlely punished. He has been put into in school suspension a couple of times and nothing was ever done. He came to live with us just 3 weeks ago and we are trying to get him settled in. His english is not the best however he does understand and speak it very well. The school district he was in was definetly below par and we are trying to get him up to his level for the school year. well last week i came down stairs to find that he has spilled milk on my suede couch when he isnt supposed to be eating on the couch anyways and he had covered it up with a blanket. when i asked him why he did it he just said he didnt know, that he was just being lazy and didnt want to clean it up, later that day at vacational bible school he punched another kid below the belt. so my husband and i decided to punish him. we took away video games, and going to the park with his friends and staying the night with one of his friends he has aquired here. well that seemed to be going ok. then on sat we went to a softball game, there was a jumpy castle and he was told specifically not to play rough or wrestle because of the smaller kids. well i found him wrestling so i made him sit down and not play with the other children and when i was speaking to me he woud not look at me was completely ignoring me and just stared at the ground while breathing heavily. that evening we went to a friends house for dinner, at her house he started picking on the other child who is considerably younger then he is. when told to apologize he refused and started to ignore my husband any myself. I am running out of ideas i understand he is at the age where he is going to defy athourity and all and he is gonna mess up but groundation does not seem to be working what should we do

JBeaucaire

HOw about "cookie time" with him and you every afternoon? Every day you two sit down for milk and cookies and talk. You each get a cookie and then tell something you weren't happy about that day and why. Then you each get a cookie and then tell something you LIKED about the day.

This is about teaching communication of ideas in a calm way, and getting rewarded for it.

Regardless of anything else that has gone on, get a ritual like this going on and honor it. Let him go with you to the store to pick out the cookies you'll be eating this week.

Even if he's grounded about other things, cookie time is still sacred. It could even be incorporated into desert time after dinner.

This is going to take time. He hasn't lived in a house with rules. He wants it, but hasn't realized how HARD that actually is. Give it 6 months.

During this time he needs to see one very important thing - no matter what he's done wrong and is even being punished for, Amber and Frank aren't mad at HIM, they're punishing what he did. Amber and Frank still love little Johnny, and that will take some getting used to.

"I'm grounding you for spilling milk and not telling me so I could clean it for you. I'm not grounding you for spilling milk. Everyone spills milk. So, no video games for 2 days. Now tell me what I'm grounding you for...? Good, and I'm not grounding you for....? Good...and your punishment is...? Right! That means you can play them again on....? Right! Very good. Now give me a hug!"

At 9 he can handle that whole situation and it engages him in the process, forces him to acknowledge he DOES understand, and requires him to respond to you and lets him see you're still fine with him, hugs and all.

"Don't forget to put your clothes away before cookie time!"