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So I am 6 months pregnant. I live with my parents because they asked me to stay with them to get away from my baby's father for a few months until I found a place to live. The reason my parents wanted me out of his house was that he has a drinking problem and one night he head butted me in the nose when he was arguing with me and belittling me and he couldn't remember doing it the next day and denying it. Because this man has been abusive in so many ways to me over the past 3 years of our relationship by calling me names, controlling me, being overly jealous, locking me in the house when I want to leave when he is attacking me with names and getting in my face one time spitting in my face intentionally, he made me feel like I couldn't do any better. Until recently when I read what exactly abuse was all about after the fact that i am pregnant and living here i dont know what to do. he calls me names, when i wont go to his house he says i am with someone else, and now we are fighting because i have told him if he gets help and stops his drinking then i would consider moving back in. he is upset because i wont let the baby have his last name but i am willing to agree on her other 2 names with him and that's not good enough. he already has a 4 year old whose mother left him and lives in florida. his house is always a mess. the childs room is dirty all the time with rotting food and with dog going in there and not getting "cleaned up" after. he says after our girl is born after she is 6 weeks she is going in his 4 year old sons room who sleeps with a tv on all night and jumps off furniture and all types of things. i felt so bad for his child i took the role as mother for him but my boyfriend never treated me like a good man really. my self esteem has been ruined. my boyfriend knocks me down for living at home with my parents. i thought having a baby would make him grow up even though he is 28 and it hasn't changed anything. i am concerned about what my rights are to make sure my child is safe. there are times that my baby's father takes naps and he is a hard sleeper as for me i am a light sleeper. u can call his cell phone knock on his door and do anything in your power to try to wake him up and nothing works. until his son comes with his phone in his hand and gets in his face. so i am scared that if my baby girl goes over there alone and he falls asleep what if he doesnt wake up when she is crying? sometimes i try to wake him up from naps and he wakes up angry and almost swinging and its scary. need advice please! thanks
Oh, sweetie, I am sure you are scared and confused right now. I do want you to know that very few if any courts will allow visitation to a newborn. I am very happy to know that you realize that this is a pattern of abuse and will not stop.
Please, please, please do not ever consider going back there. You may lose your baby or your own life if you do. It is the circle of abuse and that circle escillates.
Stay away, far away. Document, document, document everything you can. Make a diary of dates times and instances if you can.
You are very lucky to have such wonderful caring parents. Please do not ever forget that. Do not burn your bridges by going back to this creep when he tells you he is sorry, it will never happen again, he loves you. It will happen, he will say that, then just as things are going well again BAM, his mood changes you get scared of him he may hit you or spit on you again.
Hun, the physical abuse is bad enough, but the mental and emotional scars can last much much longer.
Please take comfort in the loving and caring home your parents are offeringh you. Stay with them as long as you can. NEVER, and I mean NEVER go back to this man, you deserve better.
I was a practicing alcoholic from my mid teens to my mid twenties. I am 47 now. Your boyfriend MUST stop drinking completely for at least a year before you should even consider moving in with him again. If he has a heart and a soul and loves you and his unborn child, then he WILL stop drinking and (using drugs?). Your parents love you and are there to protect you. What better place can you be for the time being? Who cares what that abusive rat's behind has to say about it? I was mentally and verbally abusive to my first wife. Ironically, I stopped drinking because I saw that we were going nowhere in our lives and it was she who kept drinking. Last I heard, she is still drinking. She tried to get back together with me on several occasions but I insisted that she would have to stop drinking before I would consider it. She chose not to stop. Thank God because I am now in a really good marriage. Neither of us drink and we work as a team. When one door closes, another opens. Have you sweet little child and do what you can to raise him or her in a loving and sanitary environment. It's our duty as parents to raise our children with positive reinforcement and love. To try to raise a baby in the traumatic environment that you described would be a disaster for you and your child. Any male can be a "father" but only a loving and mature man can be a dad. Find a dad for your baby.
So I am 6 months pregnant. I live with my parents because they asked me to stay with them to get away from my baby's father for a few months until I found a place to live. The reason my parents wanted me out of his house was that he has a drinking problem and one night he head butted me in the nose when he was arguing with me and belittling me and he couldn't remember doing it the next day and denying it. Because this man has been abusive in so many ways to me over the past 3 years of our relationship by calling me names, controlling me, being overly jealous, locking me in the house when I want to leave when he is attacking me with names and getting in my face one time spitting in my face intentionally, he made me feel like I couldn't do any better. Until recently when I read what exactly abuse was all about after the fact that i am pregnant and living here i don't know what to do. he calls me names, when i wont go to his house he says i am with someone else, and now we are fighting because i have told him if he gets help and stops his drinking then i would consider moving back in. he is upset because i wont let the baby have his last name but i am willing to agree on her other 2 names with him and that's not good enough. he already has a 4 year old whose mother left him and lives in florida. his house is always a mess. the childs room is dirty all the time with rotting food and with dog going in there and not getting "cleaned up" after. he says after our girl is born after she is 6 weeks she is going in his 4 year old sons room who sleeps with a tv on all night and jumps off furniture and all types of things. i felt so bad for his child i took the role as mother for him but my boyfriend never treated me like a good man really. my self esteem has been ruined. my boyfriend knocks me down for living at home with my parents. i thought having a baby would make him grow up even though he is 28 and it hasn't changed anything. i am concerned about what my rights are to make sure my child is safe. there are times that my baby's father takes naps and he is a hard sleeper as for me i am a light sleeper. u can call his cell phone knock on his door and do anything in your power to try to wake him up and nothing works. until his son comes with his phone in his hand and gets in his face. so i am scared that if my baby girl goes over there alone and he falls asleep what if he doesnt wake up when she is crying? sometimes i try to wake him up from naps and he wakes up angry and almost swinging and its scary. need advice please! thanks
Nice picture, but back on topic: This x of yours is not going to change and you need to get it out of your head that it is even possible to go back to this very abusive relationship. I am all about reform and repair, and this is my first "NO" to that. I know he gets upset over little things and belittles you to make up for his lack of security, he is all about control and abuse. You need to be so careful to accept your family's advice at this point. They are not biased anymore they are now your way out of a deadly hole. Imagine how this guy will be as a daddy. Imagine a person bringing him a child to watch alone and know what you know about him. I suggest next time you see him, it should be in a court room. You are gonna be OK...Always remember that no matter how bad his life was, there was no excuse for any attacks on you! You seem like a real sweet girl. I know that in your heart of hearts you are scared, and have a million worries that keep you down. I know you will do what is right for your little baby. Remember to read all the post's on here, because I think you are about to get a lot of support from some good people. Congratulations 3months!!! Nothing beats a baby. I miss the late nights in the nursery just a 1month old and me. Be excited...Be very excited. lol Greg Quinn
PS...If there is a way for you to secretly talk to his x I bet you could find a pillar of strengths and be able to relate with her and help you come to a proper idea as to whether he can change or not. It's easier to go through something if there is a victim support system, and both of you have surely felt the same abuse.
Don't move back with him, the only contact you should still have with him is through the phone. Tell him how he is angry all the time and brings you down emotionally. Tell him you dont want to see him anymore. If he keeps trying threaten to get the police involved. This man is abusive and will not be a good father, so whatever u do dont go back to him
I'm not even sure I would do the "phone" thing. He can still have emotional pull even over the phone or he can use threats and fear tactics to manipulate your next move. I say, start the process of finalizing this thing and start focusing on your baby's future. You are now tied to that baby's future which will be your future for some time to come. It's a good thing and you are more fortunate than a lot of women who don't have any place to go. Their abusive spouses or boyfriends move them hundreds of miles from their families for control purposes. Break it off.
oh wow! all of your answers have helped me so much! i fear i am doing the wrong thing by limiting his contact with the baby. i hear so many different views on the father being a part of the babies life. he has never paid taxes, his child does not have insurance, he does not have insurance, he won't go downtown to get the government insurance because he doesn't want to bring his name up about the taxes and it's all one big head ache. there is so much drama with all of this and my heart always makes me go back yet now my brain sees the brighter light at the end of the tunnel thanks to your support
[quote=Greg Quinn]Nice picture, but back on topic: This x of yours is not going to change and you need to get it out of your head that it is even possible to go back to this very abusive relationship. I am all about reform and repair, and this is my first "NO" to that. I know he gets upset over little things and belittles you to make up for his lack of security, he is all about control and abuse. You need to be so careful to accept your family's advice at this point. They are not biased anymore they are now your way out of a deadly hole. Imagine how this guy will be as a daddy. Imagine a person bringing him a child to watch alone and know what you know about him. I suggest next time you see him, it should be in a court room. You are gonna be OK...Always remember that no matter how bad his life was, there was no excuse for any attacks on you! You seem like a real sweet girl. I know that in your heart of hearts you are scared, and have a million worries that keep you down. I know you will do what is right for your little baby. Remember to read all the post's on here, because I think you are about to get a lot of support from some good people. Congratulations 3months!!! Nothing beats a baby. I miss the late nights in the nursery just a 1month old and me. Be excited...Be very excited. lol Greg Quinn
QUOTE]
thanks for the picture comment you are right there is a lot of good advice on here. seems everyone knows what they are talking about i am glad that i joined! i just have so much hope to make him a better person and i guess it's time to throw in the towel.
The father should indeed be a part of the child's life if it is a HEALTHY relationship. This is definately not. This man will be a role model to your child. Not the kind of role model I would want my child growing up with. How about you?
I am happy to hear you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and guess what? It is NOT a train light. LOL
oh wow! all of your answers have helped me so much! i fear i am doing the wrong thing by limiting his contact with the baby. i hear so many different views on the father being a part of the babies life. he has never paid taxes, his child does not have insurance, he does not have insurance, he won't go downtown to get the government insurance because he doesn't want to bring his name up about the taxes and it's all one big head ache. there is so much drama with all of this and my heart always makes me go back yet now my brain sees the brighter light at the end of the tunnel thanks to your support
Unfortunately, true justice rarely prevails in a situation like this. I've known really, really good guys who's ex-girlfriend or spouse moved their mutual children far away where the dad didn't get to see his children but still had to pay child support and I've known of some really abusive fathers who never paid a dime of support but still saw their children on a regular basis. It's sad any way you cut it. I don't believe that a guy who impregnated a woman in the heat of passion necessarily has "rights." What I mean by that is that a man needs to prove himself worthy of having a family. If his immaturity becomes detrimental to his wife or children, then he has no rights in my opinion. I'm sure the law sees it a different way.
Once an abuser, always an abuser. If he does not sign the birth certificate he can bring you to court to prove that it is his child then there will be tests to prove it and then they will have another court hearing to figure out child support, who the primary parent is going to be and visitation. If you have documentation about his abusive behavior and if he has past legal history of violence (ie domestic violence) then they will give him the least amount of visitation possible. You can try and get it to where he cannot see your baby at all if he is that dangerous.
you are right there is a lot of good advice on here. seems everyone knows what they are talking about i am glad that i joined! i just have so much hope to make him a better person and i guess it's time to throw in the towel.
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