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    lbriltz's Avatar
    lbriltz Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 25, 2007, 03:17 PM
    Out-of control teenage daughter
    My husband and I are at wits end! Our daughter is seventeen, and is driving us nuts. For example she left yesterday with people I have never met, she left a note saying she would be back in 30minutes. That was yesterday! She phoned at 1130 last night saying she was out quadding all day, and had the nerve to ask if I had locked her out! It is now 4pm and still nothing from her. We went through this last summer, we kicked her out, tough love after trying three different counsellors with no success. My husband and I do not know which way to turn anymore. Do we ask her to leave or just put up with the crap?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Apr 25, 2007, 03:39 PM
    Will I assume she is home alone ? Since if there was a parent at home you tell her she can't go, and don't let her.

    Does she have a cell phone, a computer, a CD player, all of which I will assume are locked away because she does not follow instructions?

    And if he is totally deliquent, *depending on where you live, since in some states at 17 they are no longer minors to the law, but there is detention, boot camp and other things to shock the idea of behavior.

    Also since school is not out here, is she going to school? If not,
    Bluerose's Avatar
    Bluerose Posts: 1,521, Reputation: 310
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    #3

    Apr 25, 2007, 03:54 PM
    Is she your only child? When will she be eighteen?

    What ages are the friends she is staying out with and what is their parents take on the situation. Lets face it she is not out there on her own. She is either with other people her age or older. If they are her own age and are pretty good kids, perhaps you should just give her a key and trust her to take care of herself. If they are older then it might be time to consider something more serious.
    rockerchick_682's Avatar
    rockerchick_682 Posts: 496, Reputation: 72
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    #4

    May 26, 2007, 04:18 PM
    I'm 17 and most of the people I know that are out that long are usually wasted or high on something. I hope she's just sticking to weed and alcohol. If I were you I'd set rules and if she didn't follow the rules I'd kick her out. It's your house and if she's not going to accept your rules then she doesn't have the right to live there. Give her a curfew and whatever other rules you want. Everybody wants a home to come back to, eventually she'll comply to the rules. I just hope she doesn't get into too much trouble while she's out. I don't think I know enough about it to give you a great answer.
    brooklyngurl345's Avatar
    brooklyngurl345 Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    May 27, 2007, 10:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by lbriltz
    My husband and I are at wits end! Our daughter is seventeen, and is driving us nuts. For example she left yesterday with people I have never met, she left a note saying she would be back in 30minutes. That was yesterday! She phoned at 1130 last night saying she was out quadding all day, and had the nerve to ask if I had locked her out! It is now 4pm and still nothing from her. We went through this last summer, we kicked her out, tough love after trying three different counsellors with no sucess. My husband and I do not know which way to turn anymore. Do we ask her to leave or just put up with the crap?
    Ok what you should is sit her down for a serious talk. Set some strict ground rules. Tell her what will happen and tell her to get a grip. I mean nothing goods going to come out of her spending the night with her friends! This talk has to be serious. She has to get in her shead that she has a life ahead of her doing what is doing right now, she will have a bad one. Watch her at all times too.
    NowWhat's Avatar
    NowWhat Posts: 1,634, Reputation: 264
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    #6

    May 27, 2007, 11:43 AM
    You have to set ground rules and stick to them. If she has a curfew and misses it - then you can either shorten her curfew the next night by however late she was (so if she's 1 hour late on Friday, then her curfew is a hour earlier on saturday). Or, you ground her and take privileges away.
    If you want to know who she is hanging out with - tell her you have to meet any new people before she is allowed to go out with them.

    I remember when I was late once - I came home and my dad was outside sitting on the tailgate of his truck waiting. There was no getting around it - and I knew I was in trouble just by looking at his face. She is not an adult and needs rules.
    If she breaks your rules - she losses privileges, luxuries and whatever else you want to take away. You should also add chores to what she has to do.
    Good Luck and don't give up.
    rockerchick_682's Avatar
    rockerchick_682 Posts: 496, Reputation: 72
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    #7

    May 27, 2007, 09:23 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    will I assume she is home alone ? since if there was a parent at home you tell her she can't go, and don't let her.

    Does she have a cell phone, a computer, a CD player, all of which I will assume are locked away because she does not follow instructions ??

    And if he is totally deliquent, *depending on where you live, since in some states at 17 they are no longer minors to the law, but there is detention, boot camp and other things to shock the idea of behavior.

    Also since school is not out here, is she going to school ?? if not,
    She's almost 18 so it's really not that hard to just walk out, and living without electronics isn't that hard when you're out with your friends.

    If she isn't going to school, there's some ticket you get and they'll put her on diversion for it, but then again she might be too old, but she's still a minor
    proudmommyoftwingirls's Avatar
    proudmommyoftwingirls Posts: 12, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jul 26, 2007, 07:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lbriltz
    My husband and I are at wits end! Our daughter is seventeen, and is driving us nuts. For example she left yesterday with people I have never met, she left a note saying she would be back in 30minutes. That was yesterday! She phoned at 1130 last night saying she was out quadding all day, and had the nerve to ask if I had locked her out! It is now 4pm and still nothing from her. We went through this last summer, we kicked her out, tough love after trying three different counsellors with no sucess. My husband and I do not know which way to turn anymore. Do we ask her to leave or just put up with the crap?
    I think you need to let her know that as long as she is living in your home there is rules that need to be followed and if she doesn't follow them then she needs to leave but set boundaries and let her know you are the BOSS
    raydrums1's Avatar
    raydrums1 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jul 26, 2007, 08:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by lbriltz
    My husband and I are at wits end! Our daughter is seventeen, and is driving us nuts. For example she left yesterday with people I have never met, she left a note saying she would be back in 30minutes. That was yesterday! She phoned at 1130 last night saying she was out quadding all day, and had the nerve to ask if I had locked her out! It is now 4pm and still nothing from her. We went through this last summer, we kicked her out, tough love after trying three different counsellors with no sucess. My husband and I do not know which way to turn anymore. Do we ask her to leave or just put up with the crap?
    YIKES - My daughter is turning 16 August 3rd. I got bumps reading what you wrote. I was one of those kids that didn't come home and did bad things but I was also working 6 nights a week from age 9 - I then skipped 8th grade all while working as a drummer in bands in clubs with drunks and druggies. I did get involved with all the wrong people but always maintained my work and commitments and grew well respected as a drummer. Now I'm 44 yo - and my drumming career never flourished into stardom, but from what I gather most of the famous drummers don't make 400 per gig like I do.
    What I'm trying to say here is that the bad in the world can't be hidden from the kids - we teach them right from wrong and show how horrible the results are from hanging with the bad stuff. The difference is that too much time to hang out and wonder if your cool like your peers-wanting to jump onto that band wagon creates a person who demeans what she's been taught - going so far - only to conclude - it - that's what's coming - Ill find my way passed it. The other person who is involved and devoted to something turns out to be a cut above the rest and looked up to. My son is 17 - I put him into Martial arts when he was 5 - he teaches at the school now part time and is a black belt. - he was aked to go on tour with Chuck Norris which I turned down. I made him realize why he wanted to go so much - that illusion and showed him what he would lose. He agreed and is now on Jr. Varsity soccar for the state and travels for away games on weekends - he did both
    Everyone has a talent - not everybody is granted the circumstances to find and manifest that talent - One found - your daughter will be dead on that endeavour and looked up to too boot and probably make $$$ MAKE HER FIND HER ABILITIES AND USE THEM
    alizabethdarlameithof's Avatar
    alizabethdarlameithof Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jul 26, 2007, 08:34 PM
    I am going to offer some advice, I am only eighteen, and so I don't know if you take it or leave it. It's all right with me. Last summer I was seventeen and was pulling the same crap. My mom was going nuts, and she didn't know what to do with me. I was at my stage where I wanted to be my own person, and it didn't matter what the adults around me thought. My mother eventually just made it hell there, until I decided to move out. Once I did move out I made even worse choices than I had been making when I was living with my mom. I had all the freedom in the world, and eventually my dad made me move with him, and got me away from all the friends and the problem was solved, until I moved to Arizona I found myself in the same boat. I think the best thing to do would be to sit down talk with her, and ask her how you can help her. She needs you, especially her mom. Life for a teenager is not easy these days, and she needs you. Just talk with her, don't kick her out it will only make it worse, then she will go on hating you . I am sure that is not what you want right? You only want what's best. Just talk with her ask what's wrong, and set rules for her. Make her understand that if she wants to be an adult, then she can't live there. And if she wants to know how hard the world really is, then let her. But don't throw her out. Hopefully this works for you. I know if my mother had only talked to me, I probably wouldn't have done half the things I have done in the last year. I hope this helps. :) Best wishes.
    raydrums1's Avatar
    raydrums1 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jul 26, 2007, 09:25 PM
    Hey alizabethdarlameithof, Absolutely valid advice - I never touched on parent to kid relationship. Too much to cover. I'm just saying and maybe you've even done this yourself. At any time - over anything find yourself totally entrapped - consumed by something? A subject, a topic a task a chore or just research? While you're doing that which in cases could be a couple hours to hours and hours or dar after day for a while. My point is that while in that mode you aren't invloved in other stuff or even thinking about it. In fact you'll have other people thinking about it to try to assist. Back when I was young playing drums or guitar was like video games to kids now days. Hours will go by while entraced in things. I spoil my kids with things that I think will motivate them in other things- they think it's cool. And I watch what entrances them. As soon as I see it I realate it to real life stuff. My daughter at 15 has her own dog sitting service. She devotes her time at an animal shelter. She also is very into arts n drama. For a school project she had to create her own short movie. Some kids did it on grphics with a story and some filmed. I bought her a very expensive digital camcorder. And told her that she should take something she would love to tell a story about and tell it using the animals. The video she produced and the time and thought and animal training involved was incredible. Even the editing with the credits rolling while the bloopers played was so funny and very well done. She keeps that camcorder imaculate - it's like a tool for accomplishing an art. Her reward - was - the 20 gig iPod as long as she paid for half. I got her a refurbished one from Apple for a little more than half the price and saved the money for her which she later used to pay for her Miss Teen USA gear. Which she won 2006 swimwear award. Because of the constant involvement in cool things and the level she participates on - she learns and develops and knows what she values and one day they will all pool up to a skill that makes her career and personal life course. And it'll be a happy one. They think some things are just sooo cool but never act as if they have to have that. As it turns out most of those things they wind up with out of nessesity.
    Being a animal lover and active in the community she gets too spend time with all different types of dogs especially. She knows the nature and understands their social interpretation. She makes enough money to buy and test out new innovative products and learns unpopular methods of working with them. She is becoming very well respected in this field for her ethics and know how with the animals. She now earns a weekly check from the shelter which is personally paid for by one of the shelters sponsors. Her dog sitting involves days or weeks per client and pays several hundred dollars. She has at least one clint per month but up to four. She doesn't care about the money but we've determined that she must be sitting on a lot of doe and know that she never spends anything. Except for dog stuff. I'm beginning to wonder how much she is spending on treating her boyfriend. Which I will deal with. As for her finances - well - my point is that - It's a delema where the money is going or kept and how much there is. Not who she's hanging around with or what trouble she's getting into. And when she does we'll know and she'll confide and we'll guide her and let her choose her own route with our warnings of what her choice might entail as a result. I'm babbling - but it helps me stay clear - I'm hoping I don't get paybacks for my childhood
    I was good but really bad also and always got away with stuff never getting caught. I wish I had been caught on some stuff. It would have been a better guideline for me.
    But I could never tell or say nor was I ever asked. I always wiped it clean. I hope they always are open with whatever they do.Life punishes enough - that along with this government enforcing punishments - it's just big enough too take someone down.
    I'm proud as a father - even though I'm unconvensional. I have my own methods and they never try to ask me - because to me not knowing or being stuck is unacceptable. 1 +1=2 and they can prove it. So is a trig problem - if you understand it. Once you understand it you're done. No way to fail a test or exam. My kids screw around in class and have straight A's and always are on the honor roll - If there's something you don't know and aren't getting it - you go and say so - and get as many people to explain it to you till you do get it. After that - class is over until the next unknown. They know and have in the past come home with a report card showing a B and I would crack up and ask how that's possible. The response from the teachers was that they seem to not care about the class and disturb rather than participate. Which now has changed to my son dramtically or comedically helping other students and involving his teacher. Weird but he turned that around. Now he has a schedule which enables him to leave certain classes early to do something else. Cool
    raydrums1's Avatar
    raydrums1 Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jul 26, 2007, 10:26 PM
    Hey rockerchick_682,

    You have the best insight here I think. Give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about yourself - WHY? Because you are on this site with a reply. Your reply suggests that she could be out there doing the wrong things even beter your statement shows that you wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't a thing that could ruin someone or have lasting effects. You're smarter than the rest. Find what your talent is as delve into it. Even if it's something kind of supid, because it shows you an example of what your happiest doing. It usually leads to something similar. Or you'll develop another skill from it. These skills will come handy later in life when you want them too. For instance - I had to play drums with my fathers band on stage 2x a week when I was 9. It happened because I broke into his locked studio and was screwing with all the instruments. By the time he caught me I was actually able to play stuff. So he put me to work but as a drummer - I was into the guitar. But he still didn't know that I used to sneak his guitars out in the middle of the night and practice with them. When he found out I caould play guitar he immediately used it as bait. Ill get this if I learn this and perform on these other dates. Little did I know I was replacing other drummer s that he would normally pay 150-175 per gig. I would up working steady 4 -6 nights a week getting paid 175 and also trained another friend to take my place on my steady Friday or Saturday gig for 75. Which I was handed the other 75 while out playing somewhere else for 175. Never would have happened if I wasn't able to dive into it on my own. I didn't know I was valuable till people were fighting over me for gigs. I did be that guitar player but got bored with it. I could make the guitar sound like it does on a record but not the drums. It led me into sound engineering. I learned acoustic principles and live sound and bought the gear to play with. I've done sound for broadway shpws and countless live acts concerts and clubs. I left the band I was playing steady in a year ago that paid me 400 a night because I was bored an needed to stop. I took a gig doing a reality show that filmed in Costa Rica and lived there for 6 months- bad move but an experience that has it's own value. I came back home with no money no job no band nothing but 50K in debt and behind on payments - I still am to this day. I'd be doing just fine by now if it wasn't for the IRS auditing me. They are like a gang. Like thugs. From the drums to the sound engineering I was led into computers and all sorts of realated stuff. I work at a day job that allows me to come in as I please as long as I full fill my duties on a daily basis. A small but rich company that works on moral and honor rather than corporate demands. If I don't want to come to work because I just need to go to the beach and chill - all they ask is that I don't lie and just say it. As long as I keep my duties taken care of - One guy today called in because he drank too much last night which he left work to go to at 2pm. No big deal. That's how things should be. As long as when it's crunch time we got our companies back. I chose my hours to be 10 to 4pm and like yesterday I showed up at 1:30 and left at 4:30 - Today I went in at 10 and stayed till 5:30. And I'm way ahead for tomorrow. So I'll leave early. My job is set up totally different from other corporate jobs. My friends slash boss's are multi-millionaires who give their money freely and try to keep up with this government ripping them off. My bassis is on low pay forgiving shedule dictating my own whereabouts for little pay. In exchange I will get a chunk of the payoff when we sell. Don't know what that will be but we have a buyer and the deal will be closing(after much scrutiny) and I'm told that my kids colledge will be paid for my debt will be erased and should have enough to buy a nice house after. While keeping our jobs after the sale. Only to stick with them for the forming of the next new company. All because of fooling around with things without permission and just doing what I wanted. My head was entranced with the things inside my house that were forbidden to be touched. My father treated all that gear like it was people using drugs that I shouldn't see or handle or get involved in. Forbidden. If I sneaked it and didn't have any knack for it Things would be different - I would probably see musicians and their gifts on their instruments as some kind twisted thing that I can't have anything to do with. I never hide anything from my kids. Even when we talk about drugs or stuff to stay away from I sit and analyze what happens - mention some pretty wild stuff - the consequences of it and then laugh it off like it's something to do - maybe but NOT - and why bother. My son already knows that he has my personality of being addictive to things. He see's it as some kind handicap. So he does things to moderation - just sets a point where he will be satisfied. Even video games. I play Need for speed games on a 56" plasma with a steering, brake and shifting console that I built custim. Between the sound and the video and the way the steering and brakes respond it really is amazing. But I tell my sone that when I play this game I play it like I'm driving the black car. I can't drive that car like that in real life so I simulate it. He's very aware of the fact that the game and real life do touch in reality. After 4 hours of driving the game and I get into the car I really do feel like I can floor it and just bounch off of things or cops or anything. I feel like 90mph is just like the game. He just bought his own car and now understands what I mean. So now his favorite games are on Wii - He plans on becoming better at certain sports by going through the movements on the game - is he wrong?

    not at all - ever hear the saying among musicians -" if you can hum it or mimic it with your mouth than you can play it. It's partly true. If something can be spoken or sung with ease it can be played. But that's the mind and it's affiliation with they other part of your brain and senses that now has it down. The wii game or playing air drums or guitar trains the body to execute it. They work together. If everyone found what they love and found that they have a natural ability for it than we would all be veiwed as equal but different. And that is how I see it.

    The hard part is realizing that you've turned it into a job. Demanding and streeful and have put yourself in the position where you are forced to do it without any regard of your temperament and life's obstackles. Now it's a job. I left my band and a lifestyle of making 2500 sometime per week and took a total risk. Hired on a production as a engineer and Network administrator. I was in charge of configuring and maintaining 30 - 35 laptops for all the cast members and crew. Istalling and updating every one of them to be able to work in that country without fail. Also engineer sound for the music video productions and set up a small recording /rehearsal studio for cast members to train on. I wound up playing drums on one of the music videos - here: and becoming a cast member in the show. As well as the drummer for the all girl band and whatever they would play. Here's one video.


    YouTube - The Lie


    paste it into a new browser window.












    Quote Originally Posted by rockerchick_682
    I'm 17 and most of the people I know that are out that long are usually wasted or high on something. I hope she's just sticking to weed and alcohol. If I were you I'd set rules and if she didn't follow the rules I'd kick her out. It's your house and if she's not going to accept your rules then she doesn't have the right to live there. Give her a curfew and whatever other rules you want. Everybody wants a home to come back to, eventually she'll comply to the rules. I just hope she doesn't get into too much trouble while she's out. I don't think I know enough about it to give you a great answer.

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