My daughter, 14, in high school, had sex with a senior, 18, last summer, she was madly in love with him and we only knew about what happened by coincidence. We then did what we thought was right: cut the boy off, and are planning to press charges for statutory rape against him. We changed her school, now she goes to a private school, and cut her off all the friends, she cherished most and we thought had a bad influence on her. We are monitoring her emails, and social networks and all her communications. We also tried to go to counseling, but she refused, and is growing more and more confrontational, opposing us in every way possible. She says she hates us and wants to leave the house as soon as possible. We are at a loss, she is our only child, and she is very bright in school. I guess I do not understand her animosity towards us, although she admits she messed up, she still clings to him (in thought) and to those friends who encouraged to have sex and applauded her afterward. She thinks we hate her and are out there to make her suffer.
How can we make her understand that we are only looking out for her and did what every caring parent should do? Or did we?

tickle

First of all the resistrictions on your daughter are way too harsh. Even though she did have sex, she is still your daughter and still only l4 years old and probably not mature enough to accept everything. I can wholey understand where she is coming from and also her animosity towards her. Sure she still clings to thoughs of him. That isnt bad you know, it is normal for a female to do who has been inimate with someone.

Changing her school was not bad move, cutting her off from her friends is bad news, as well as monitoring her e mails (she still needs privacy).

If you plan on pressing charges against the young man, understand that all this will have be relived again and again by her and you. Maybe rethink that option. It takes two to tango, so why is it rape ?

ms tickle

88sunflower

Wow! I agree with Tickle its way to harsh.

I was 15 the first time I had sex. I was with the boy until I was 18. I made the mature decision myself to go on the pill. I think you maybe could have atleast sat her down and talked with her first.

Arresting him for rape? Thats going over the line to me. Like I said I was 15. I was willing and ready and wanted to. Do I think I was to young, now looking back of course I was. But I am sure your daughter was a willing partner in this. Her friends maybe did encourage her. But thats what friends do. Its our jobs as parents to educate our children on the pros and cons of sex and waiting. Why cut off her friends? They didnt lay down with that boy she did.

I understand her feelings towards you. But I agree she is to young and maybe just needed to be sat down and talked to about this. Now she has fear in her and when she is ready she wont be able to confront you on protection or advice.

Of course she has feelings for him. He was her first. She gave herself to him. I never forgot my first. You can lock her in a room forever and his memory will be with her.

justcurious55

maybe the punishment for the daughter is a little harsh. but the guy was 18. an 18 year old having sex with a 14 year is statutory rape. it's illegal. he should know better.

i would gradually start giving her space. start giving her opportunities to earn your trust back. make the rules very clear. let her hang out with her old friends. but until you can trust her, everyone has to hang out with her at your house, while you are home. they can have some space. you don't have to be hanging out in the same room with them the whole time. but she can still hang out with them and you can still be nearby so they can't get into trouble. when she's earned some trust back and can go out with friends, set some rules. drop her off. know who she'll be with. maybe she'll have to call at certain times to check in with you. pick her up. if she's going to someone else's house, get that person's parent's number and give them a call before they go.

i am kind of curious, what do you mean you found out by coincidence?

88sunflower

I do understand its rape and I am not brushing that off by any means. I guess in my mind I am thinking what they were thinking. They are dating, think they are in love and so on. If it were a one time thing and he convinced her, of course its rape. I was hoping they were in a relationship when this happened and just didnt think things through more clearly before it happened. Maybe a better explanation on what happened or how it happened.

But again I do agree. Set some rules but dont tie her to the house.

justcurious55

i'd like more details too. but in my mind, i think this 18 year old guy took advantage of this 14 year old girl thinking she was in love with him (because really, at 14, how many of us thought we were in love? and then later at 18 realized that maybe there's a difference between love and lust and could even tell the two apart?) and he should have known better. but maybe i'm just too cynical.

88sunflower

I agree with you. I would like to hear more also. I can see both sides happening. I guess I see it the other way because it was exactly that way with me. I started to date a senior at 14, a month later I turned 15 and we had sex. But lucky or not, we did stay together. Doesnt make it any more right.

I am now thinking did the parents know there was an 18 year old in he life? Maybe not. So maybe she was pushed in to it.

HappyBird

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Thank you all for your advice. I am not originally from the US and pre-marital sex is a big, say huge, no-no where I come from. As for how we came to know: She left her an email open in which she was telling her friends that she had unprotected sex with the guy. She can still see some of her friends, it is not like we are locking her up, but we select who she sees.

justcurious55

is it safe for me to assume you freaked out and probably yelled at her? i imagine that would be my gut reaction if i were in your shoes. but maybe you were able to collect your thought before you talked to her and were able to have an actual conversation with her. if so, you can probably ignore the rest of my post. but if you haven't already had a sit down talk with her, it's never too late. she should be able to come to you and feel safe talking to you. she needs to know that at the end of the day, even when she messes up, you still love her. share your views on sex before marriage. she doesn't have to have the same views but she should learn to respect yours. and explain to her that even though you really, really, don't want her having sex, that at least if she decides to in the future, to use protection. and make sure she understands why. make sure she's aware of all of the risks that come with sex. stds. pregnancy. it's tough, because you don't want to scare her out of sex forever, but she really does need to be aware of all the possibilities.

88sunflower

Very good justcurious. Its never to late to have that talk. If she is doing it then it needs to be done. She needs to be safe atleast.