At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
Wondergirl, that sounds like such an awesome idea! I wish I could send him to you!
I will look into some community programs! Thanks so much for the advice.
He's acting like a 17 year old. Like I said, teenagers are dirty, lazy, and selfish for the most part.
This may all be very well true. But that doesn't excuse anything. Simply shrugging your shoulders and saying in essence that "that's just the way things are" is a cop-out. As a growing young man he has an obligation to learn to be a responsible, productive citizen and it begins at home. And as his mother, the OP has the responsibility to teach him that. If making him pay is what'll do it, then so be it. It's worth a shot. You can't just ignore that because he's a "dirty, lazy and selfish teenager" and expect him to magically grow out of it and suddenly grow up and be responsible when he turns 21. If his parents don;t start training him now, then he'll never learn. When he gets to be 40 he'll be a "dirty, lazy and selfish" 40-year-old. Same for when he turns 50, etc.
Location: Fort Worth; but my heart is in Cleveland!!
Posts: 238
Quote:
Originally Posted by s_cianci
This may all be very well true. But that doesn't excuse anything. Simply shrugging your shoulders and saying in essence that "that's just the way things are" is a cop-out. As a growing young man he has an obligation to learn to be a responsible, productive citizen and it begins at home. And as his mother, the OP has the responsibility to teach him that. If making him pay is what'll do it, then so be it. It's worth a shot. You can't just ignore that because he's a "dirty, lazy and selfish teenager" and expect him to magically grow out of it and suddenly grow up and be responsible when he turns 21. If his parents don;t start training him now, then he'll never learn. When he gets to be 40 he'll be a "dirty, lazy and selfish" 40-year-old. Same for when he turns 50, etc.
I agree. All very true. However, I never said his behavior was ok. His behavior is not surprising and shouldn't be excused or ignored. I never said it should.
My oldest brother was rather stubborn (correction - still is!) and thought (correction - thinks) he's the smartest person on earth, no one knows better than him, blah blah blah. From what you say your son isn't disrespectful to you verbally, which is great, but if you ask him to do something and he won't, that's showing you disrespect. Same with coming and going without clearing it with you first. It doesn't matter if he has a car, a friend is driving him, or he walks, it's still your business to know where he's going, who he's with and when he will be back. If he won't tell you these things, he doesn't get to go. If he goes anyway (let's face it, he's a teen, it happens!) then he comes home to a nasty surprise - the TV in his room is gone (or stereo, or computer, whatever). He gets it back when he EARNS it back. If he never earns it back, take something else the next time. My parents did this with my oldest brother - he eventually lost the door to his bedroom!
I'm sure you're in a tough spot because on the one hand you don't want to cause a fight, but on the other hand, you want him to stand on his own two feet and be responsible; meaning you can't do it all for him. But you have to look at what his behavior is doing to you and the rest of your family. Do his siblings miss spending time with him? Do they resent him because he has no chores and gets to come and go as he pleases? I think the "pay per thing I do for you" idea is great - IF you can get him to fork over the money, that is! Making him work for extra money when he spends his paycheck is also a great idea. By simply handing him an extra $20 when he runs out, he's not learning the value of money - he's going to think when he runs out, there's always more to be had. That spells credit card danger for the future! Another thought about his money - how does he cash his paychecks? Does he have his own account, or does he rely on you to cash them for him? If you cash them for him, start teaching him a lesson about savings - withhold a certain percent of his paycheck each week and put it into a savings account for him. Each month, show him how much money is in there, and encourage him to contribute more. If he cashes his own paycheck but you have a savings account of your own you can show him, do that instead. It will help drive the point home that saving money is important and can pay off; that spending responsibly is more important than buying the next best thing.
My husband and I read these threads and think about our 2yo.....what would we do? In discussion of this post we came to the realization that I am the responsible one. I know when things are due..what has been paid and what hasn't. I'm the one who puts things in priority.
When I was 17....yes I had to pay my way. When my husband was 17 everything was handed to him. He ran the roads..didn't work steadily.. got in trouble..was lazy and dirty. He still is, somewhat, at 30. However, at age 15 I was working after school..buying my own clothes..and helped with bills if needed, along with doing my chores. I was a typical teen...had to have push now and then, but was taught to be pretty responsible.
In your case, being that your son "was" a pot smoker....I don't think community service will do the trick. I would think he will rebel against it like it is probation or punishment. I think making him pay his way is a good idea...but he still needs to help with the household chores. However, if he pays his way.....you need to be ready to treat him like an adult. If he lives like an adult he gets treated like one. Good and bad!
Chores shouldn't be on "your time". Chores are everyday things that need to be done, when they fit in to the persons schedule. Not saying that he should be able to lay around all day, but if he has other obligations his chores should be able to wait. Think about it, that's what life is really like as an adult.....learning to organize your day properly.
Sorry to chatter on.....my vote is for.....................yes, he pays his way and learn to be a responsible adult
Remember, the teens who are sent to me are court-ordered. They have gotten into trouble and have been ordered to do X number of hours at a non-profit organization.
Of course, I also supervise teens who want to be able to put on their college applications the fact that they volunteered at a public library. Your son should be able to get volunteer work at a library or a nursing home or an animal/people shelter. He will find out he's not the only person in the world and will figure out that things he does will make others very happy.
Another thing that you might try doing is color-coding items, and making people pick up after themselves. One person has a green plate, the next red, the next yellow, etc. What gets into the kitchen gets washed. If it doesn't get to the kitchen, then they get to eat their next meal off a dirty plate. Same with laundry. If he leaves his dirty clothes lying around, then he gets to wear dirty clothes. And no way in the world should you be giving him money because he's blown his paycheck. When he comes to you complaining that he doesn't have the money he needs for his latest desire, sympathize about how rough that is, give advice about saving money, give him a hug and walk away. He's living at home, and this is the time that he needs to learn about how to handle finances. Bailing him out is the worst thing that you can do.
My 17 yr old comes and goes as he pleases. he doesnt clean up after himself ever. He leaves it for me to do. He will drink the last of the milk even if it means his 2 year old sis doesnt have any in the morning for cereal. He doesnt help out around the house at all. He sleeps all day on weekends while the other kids are helping get the house in order.He now has a job. I was thinking of asking him to help out with groceries. Would this be bad. I know im his mom and i should be the one to provide food. and i feel weird taking money from my kid. What can i do?
I am 18 almost 19.. and personally i think you should totally make him pay.. if he refuses or gives you a hard time, which most likely will happen.. then suggest that if he plans on staying there that he has to help out.. even if you don't want him to leave just try and scare him.. or if that doesnt work.. (which this one might work better.. it's what i get) you should maybe give him some kind of motivation.. like you will buy him a new game or you wil help out with his car.. or something along those lines.. make it be something he can't refuse.
Some pretty good advice from most posters here Juliepann. Think about it Mom, if he goes out in the world like he is now without you're trying something to change him, he will have problems.
OMG..another example of "that" kind of guy that all the single and married women complain about. Seriously, he needs a wake up call and it seems you are ready to give him one.
Linear Mode
