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I have a nineteen year old daughter who I have always been proud of. She is smart girl, always did well in school and made responsible decisions. She and I had been very close and had so much in common. She now is choosing a life style that I don't approve of. Nothing that most people would be shocked about but against the values thats he was raised in. She has stopped going to her church to please her boyfriend. It hursts me so bad to see the decisions that she is making. The only way I can deal with it is to not deal with it. I mean I try to not think of her. It is easier now that she is back at school. I have not had much contact with her. Her brothers and sisters want to visit her and call her and I just can't. i know I should be more supportive but I can't. I cant think of her and be happy for her. I can't be proud of the good things she is doing because I can only focus on the loss. How do I love her unconditionally? I know she is not purposefully hurting me. I know that in the worlds eye she is a good person. SHe just isn't living up to my dreams for her, (the dreams she once had for herself as well). How do I hide the disappointment and be Ok with her decisions. I cant change them. How do I accept them? I feel like a terrible mother but I don't know how to change that.
First of all, your daughter is not going through anything that most normal teenagers don't go through. She is beginning to make decisions for herself and in her own way. This is merely a show that you raised her to be self-confident, self-reliant, and intelligent. Your problem is that she is making changes that she was not brought up to do like NOT going to church. I don't think you realize that in essence, you are showing her that everything that she learned in those four walls of Christ's House are lies. God has taught us to love unconditionally, to avoid judgment and to be supportive no matter what direction one may go in. Failure to follow these simple guidleines puts you more in the wrong than it does your daughter. Casting stones? Judging? Not showing love and kindness because she has turned from the way in which she was taught? It's a good thing it's not up to you to save creation from their sins or apparently we would all be condemned. I will pray for you that you find understanding in the book you claim to believe in. Until then, you are a perfect example as to why people like myself do not believe in the churches of today. I can pray at home, close my eyes, breathe in the warm air and feel His presence all around me. At church, I might be sitting next to someone as hypocritical as you.
You don't have to approve of what she does. You do, however, have to show her that you love her. I'm sure she already knows how you feel about certain choices she's been making as an adult. Push that aside, and give her a simple phone call to ask how she's doing.
No judgements, no fighting. Just pick up the phone and say hello. She'll come around as she matures and learns things on her own. However, she doesn't have a snowballs chance if her mom doesn't keep the communication alive.
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