I am a 44yr old woman who has 3 children. Daughter 25, she has 2 beautifil little girls aged 3yrs and 6yrs old. My son who's 20yrs old has a 3month old baby girl, and my youngest daughter is 17yrs old but does not have children at present. My son has not spoken to me for 4yrs. He refuses point blank for me to see my grandchild whom av never seen since the day she was born. Never am i allowed to buy her presents cards or the likes as they would never be given to her. My son hates his own sisters all his anties and cousins. he says he wont have anything to do with any of the family that has to do with me. My son was always really close to me when in his younger days. He was a great kid. Never in trouble with the police and always looked out for his mom. But then at the age of 15/1/2 he changed. The love he held for me has turned to so much hate and anguish. I moved to Scotland from England in 1990 to be closer to my mum who died in 1995. I Met a guy the relationship was great for the first few months but then it started to turn sour. He was mentally abusing me and my 3 kids, so i decided enough was enough, i left and returned back to England with my 3 kids who were still very young at the time. It wasn't long befor he came to England begging for me to return in which i did, 2yrs later i left him again telling him i didnt love him, my son hated him at this time,but being pushy as he and his family was i once again returned. On my return his family saw an oppotunity to get back at me for suposedly caursing their son stress within our relationship. Wickedly they got their cluches into my son and manipulated my sons way of thinking. My son spent all his time with them i began to see a change in my sons behaviour.I spent 10yrs with this guy but it wasn't a relationship we never slept in the same bed and never had sexual relations together it was more companionship. I met another guy 5yrs ago yes he was married and he is the sister of my now ex boyfriend. I want to stress that i had nothing to do with their marriage splitting up as their marriage was on the rocks befor i came on the scene they have one son whom is 21yrs old. When my son found out i was seeing his best mates father he did not like the idearbut neither did his son. my ex boyfreinds parents and sister has poisoned my son against me and his entire familyby saying that me and my partner have committed such an unlawful crime that we dont deserve to have any kids because of what we did to them. my son thinks that the family he is with are the bees and knees. My partners son wouldn't speak to me for 4yrs but has now come round and talks to me often.My son has wished me dead and says that if i was lying in the gutter he'd keep on kicking me.I moved in with my eldest daughter and her kids for a short time as my son decided to stay and live with my ex boyfriendand family. Within that time my son came round and said he didnt care if my partner droped dead so i was angry and very hurt i reacted by throwing my son out of my daughters house. That was the very last time my son has recognised me as his mother. We only live 1 mile away frm each other and i see him regular but he just hangs his head in disgust won't acknowledge me atal.I have wrote letters to him but he dosn't read them. He ripps them up withou opening them. Av tried phoning him he just hangs upand tried stopping him in the street to talk but he totally ignores me. I have no way of getting through to him. He hates us all.I love my son to bits and want to have a mother son relationship again but he's making it impossible.He calls my ex boyfriends parent gran and grandad and my ex his father. which he is NOT the father to any my kids. My son is now 20yrs old with a baby daughter whom id really love to see but im tired of getting nowhere. please if theres anyone who could advise me on what i can do please help as i feel alone heartbroken and devastated.

shygrneyzs

I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Do you see where you bad choices with the abusive man had led to the consequences of your son not wanting anything to do with you? You had the responsibility to protect your children and you chose a man over your children.

You cannot do anything to change your son's mind. I know you feel devastated but you cannot do anything in your physical power to bring about a change in your son's attitude and feelings towards you. It is a shame that he sided with your ex bf and that family. But he made that choice. It is not something you have control over any longer.

The best thing for you to do is to go about your life, your business, enjoy the family you have, and pray for your son and his family. I hope you have gone to some counseling to help you see beyond your past but to also have learned from your past, as to not repeat the sadness,

As a Mom myself, sometimes we just have to let our children go and make their own world, even if it hurt us. We cannot live their life or through their life.

Take care of yourself.

femme

Thanks ever so much for you reply, much appreciated. i I no howit sounds that i suposedly chose that guy over my kids, but believe me that was not the case. That guy and his familyare real good at manipulating people especially the young ones. My son used to come round to visit me and ask me to do his washing, which i did of course.untill he wished my partner dead . I reacted and told my son that he should never wish any one dead no matter who or what they done, as life is to short as it is. Then out of hurt and anger i dreadfully threw my son out of my daughters house which then led to my ex bf coming rounddrunk and coursing no end of trouble. That guy tried to wreck my car, sceaming, shouting verbal abuseand saying he'd make me pay dearly. I told him nicely to go home as he was scaring my 2 young grandchildren and that if he didnt stop then i was giong to call the police. He then left went home told my son that i had theatened my son with the police if he was to ever come near the house again and that my son was barred. With this my son came around screamed at me and said i was no longer his mother and that he never wants to see me or my family ever again. i tried so hard to tell my son and explain that the accusation was not true but my son would not listen. now my son will not listen.

Jesushelper76

Leave your son be. He has his reasons. Sorry for your situation but when I read your posts you need to also admit that your part of the problem here as well. No one can change your sons mind and we can not suggest anything that will actually help. Unless counseling is something you want to give a try. They will give you an outlit for your frustration plus give you suggestions on how to open the lines of communication. If it is possible and so on.

Lots and lots of abuse in this family. Verbal and emotional. It is best that your son stay away and maybe he is happier? Are you happier?

Joe

Abuhar

Your son, maybe, suffers more than you. To have hatred to one's own mother is a heavy burden for the whole life!
But there is nothing you can do right now. Just pray and hope for the best in his life.
If your son was a victim of manipulation, he will learn about this one day, by himself. However, you might wait for this moment for years... till he becomes mature. Right now he is still young and naive, stressed and desperate, who learned to seek for other people's guilt for own life problems and not knowing better way to solve them. By his 20 he could only learn this from his ...many parents. Accepting this truth will help you to forgive him in your heart, be patient and find peace for your mind.

Ragazza

I am sorry to say this, I do kind of feel like your son in a way, by not wanting my mother to be my mother, since she was abusive to myself and to my sister, when we were young children.

BUT I DO FEEL YOUR PAIN.


I was really mad at my mother for many of years for adopting my sister (at the time she was 10) to another person. my mother did put me down a lot, she thought I was a highly special needs young person, when I was only crying out for attention for many a years, my mother thought she would raise us single handly, which she did pourly for it.

when I was 10ish until I was 15, my mother slept with her bedroom door open a lot (only way to the bathroom), all what I see was shadows, but she was having oral sex with another woman. I had to go though see and/hearing that every night.


to me I think that is wrong, what do you think?

Soozeekew

I understand your confusion. We give our entire lives, protect, and would die for our children without hesitation. They are everything; our life, our purpose, and our meaning. We create memories, love them unconditionally, and give them security, independence, and a means to survive on their own. Then one day they meet a manipulator or a pseudo friend who has the power to negate all of that. Two decades of devotion and love given up for drama.

Some kids are born the way they are and no nurturing in the world will change their DNA. The thing of it is, you never see it coming. Then one day they're sitting in their car outside of the house you provided for them for their entire life and they tell you they don't love you, you are not a good person, and they never want to see you again. Then they make good their promise and disappear out of your life.

That happened to me. My daughter and I were even in the same class together and she completely ignored me.

Except I was divorced from my daughter's father for six years when she walked out on my life for the fourth time. Even though her dad was the one who packed his bags and left, I wouldn't let him back. Even though he has bad mouthed me and committed PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) by his own admittance to a friend of mine, he has accused me of things that are not only lies, they don't even fit. When she was in college she made a school interview with him in which he did the same. She felt as though she had to choose a side. She chose him. The irony is that I divorced him on the grounds of emotional neglect. He was never there for any of us; not even my children. He was gone for 6 days before anyone even noticed. Still, she believes everything is my fault.

The mistakes I made:

When she was 18 and she left her mail open on my desk top, I read it and learned things I didn't want to know. But I never passed any judgement on her.

Her boyfriend sided with the manipator parent (my ex) and got very aggressive with me. I tried to defend myself through email.

When she was out with my youngest daughter, my alienated daughter wouldn't answer her cell phone when I called, brought her back late, and told my youngest that if I grounded her, then she would make it up to her by baking her cookies. I told my youngest that she could not visit with her sister without her sister knowing the rules. Also, my alienated daughter told me that my, then minor son has no curfew when he is with her. I stood my ground and kept to her knowing the rules. She's never contacted me for this and so I will not allow my youngest to see her. My son is now over 18 so this is no longer an issue.

Her father met someone when we were still married, then dated, got engaged, and moved in with this woman while SHE was still married. I felt that the situation was inappropriate as a role model for my children and I passed judgement on this woman openly. I insulted her in the beginning but that passed. Since then I have apologized but it is not accepted. As a matter of fact, she keeps posting quotes I have written in the past on public forums.

The thing that cinched my daughter's decision to disown me was my marriage to a good man seven years after I divorced her father. The only thing we can think is that she is angry that my life goes forward and I am happy without her father.

I am so sorry that you lost your son in this way. Personally, I have a close relationship with my 85 year old mother and I can't fathom a child doing this to a parent after everything they do for them during their entire lives.

I often wonder if it is worse to lose your children by their choice or an act of God. If anyone can help us, please comment. I love her more than she will ever know. As of now, she has no children. She is 25, became a teacher, like me. She is well educated and from the outside, she appears to have her life together.

However, I am very worried about her husband who loathes me. I got word that he says he wants to be robbed so that he can know what it's like to kill someone. He carries a concealed weapon and my friends who have met him are "creeped" out by his silent stare. He is unfriendly, disrespectful, and seems misogynistic with a cynical sense of humor regarding women.

My other children greatly respect me. I am very close to them, my daughter who is married and 22, my now, 19 year old son, and my 16 year old daughter. They love me very much and care deeply about this family.

Any suggestions for either one of us?

nanna d

Hi Soozookee I sat opened mouthed when i read your post, what has happened to you mirrors my life to a tee. Even down to having Four children the way your husband left and then wanted to come back. My son who is now 21 has not spoken to me in four years. I am sorry I have no suggestions I just wanted to know myself how you cope. Each day is a struggle for me to get through. Womans Aid helped and supported me in getting my divorce, and the counselling I received from them was excellent, but I never thought fours years later I would still be in this situation. I really wish I could say something to help but reading the posts I now know I am not alone in this situation. I just want the hurt to go away and hear my son say mum again